The second date, like the first, was pleasant. Anna offered to go to the botanical garden – the weather was not very favorable, but the girl did not care. It was so good to communicate with Max: they moved from one topic to another, and he understood it perfectly. We discussed news, series, funny posts on social networks. And then they said goodbye, and Anna was scared: she was too frank, too open. And she was too obviously interested in Max. “There won’t be a new date – I ruined everything!”
It is during this phase of a nascent relationship that something can go wrong, especially if couples are struggling to find the right balance. What is it and how do you get it?
Show interest without hesitation
Anchu Kögl has been writing about dating for many years and recently published The Art of Honest Dating. The name itself hints at what the author considers especially important in these key days and weeks of the formation of a relationship – honesty. Many women’s magazines still offer their readers the old-fashioned game: Don’t show your interest, stay out of reach. “The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us,” men’s magazines quote Pushkin in response. “However, this is what often leads to the fact that people do not recognize each other,” the blogger explains.
Anna’s fear that Max would disappear because she was too obviously interested in him was not justified. They met again. “A person who shows interest openly, without shame or justification, becomes incredibly attractive,” explains Kögl. “This behavior suggests that his or her self-esteem does not depend on the opinion and reaction of the interlocutor.”
Such a person seems emotionally stable, able to open up. And we, in turn, want to trust him. If Anna tried to hide her indifference to Max, he would not have revealed either. Perhaps he would have interpreted her secrecy as a contradictory signal: “I want you, but I don’t need you.” Trying to hide our interest, we thereby show ourselves insecure, timid, and therefore unattractive.
It is not at all about immediately confessing eternal love. Kögl gives examples of tactful signals that show our interest in the interlocutor in a variety of situations of acquaintance. “Let’s say you are in a noisy nightclub and have just met someone. You communicate and seem to like each other. You can say: “I am pleased to communicate with you. Shall we go to the bar? It’s quieter there, and we can talk normally. “
Of course, there is always the risk of being rejected – and then what? Nothing, Kögl is sure. It happens. “Refusal says nothing about you as a person. Most of the women I met turned me down. However, I have long forgotten about them, because it has never been important to me, – he shares. – But there were also women with whom I had a relationship. I got to know them only because I accepted my fear and nervousness, because I opened up, although I took risks. “
Even though Anna is nervous, she can muster up the courage and tell Max, “I love being with you. See you again? “
Admit you are nervous
Let’s face it, before our first date, most of us are out of place. A thought may even come to mind, is it not better to cancel everything at all. This does not mean at all that we have lost interest in a person. It’s just that we are so worried that we want to stay at home, “in the burrow.” What should I wear? How do I start a conversation? What if I tip the drink onto my shirt or – oh my god! – on her skirt ?!
It’s okay to freak out like that before a first date, dating coaches Lindsay Chrysler and Donna Barnes explain. They advise to take at least a short break before meeting with a counterpart. “Wait a bit before opening the door of the cafe, or close your eyes for a few seconds before going downstairs to where they are waiting for you.”
“Tell me that you’re nervous or that you’re naturally shy,” advises Chrysler. “It’s always better to be honest than to pretend you don’t care. By openly demonstrating our feelings, we get a chance to build a normal relationship. “
Set a realistic goal
Take a deep breath and think about what you expect from the meeting. Make sure your goal isn’t too high for a first date. Let it be something realistic. For example, to have fun. Or be yourself throughout the evening. After the date, try to assess whether you fulfilled your intention. If yes, then be proud of yourself! Even if there is no second date, this experience will help you become more confident in yourself.
Learn to treat yourself with humor
“Afraid of bursting into tears or spilling coffee? This is perfectly understandable! But, most likely, the object of your attention will not escape simply because you are a little awkward, ”says Barnes. It’s easier to joke about your awkwardness yourself than to burn out with shame all evening.
Remember: you are not in an interview.
Some of us feel like a job interview on a first date and struggle to seem perfect. “But the point is not only to convince the opposite person that you are a worthy“ candidate ”and you need to choose you, but also to let the other prove himself,” Barnes recalls. – So stop worrying too much about what you say, whether you’re laughing too loudly. Start listening to the interlocutor, try to understand what you like about her or him, and he or she – about you. Assume that you are initially attractive to a potential partner – this will give you confidence and make you more attractive. “