Two months ago, my husband became an ex. After our breakup, starting the day with his Facebook and Instagram became a bad habit for me. Even then I understood that I was only torturing myself, but I could not help myself.
Looking at his new and old photographs, reading short sketches about life already without me, I again and again plunged into difficult memories. I’m sure many people know this feeling. If you also cannot find the strength to leave the online page of your once loved one, perhaps my advice will help you.
Be honest with yourself. Do not deceive yourself, pretend that daily surfing on his social pages is just idle curiosity. Analyze in what situations you open his account. Most likely, you are hardly interested in him when you are very busy and solve important tasks that require concentration of energy and attention.
The ex’s account becomes interesting at the moment when you are tired, you are sad, you feel sorry for yourself and the future is seen in a black light. I’m sure you will agree that this does not bring you anything good.
And the next time you have an obsessive desire to open his page (and it, of course, will appear), ask yourself: “What am I looking for there?” The answer is obvious. You want to know how he lives. And do not stop until you find something that will make you jealous, suffer, and, as it often ended with me, open a bottle of wine and fall asleep in tears.
Even if you just remembered the past with nostalgia, do not forget – this is just a virtual world and it has nothing to do with your real life. Once you decided to leave, there were reasons for this, and no pictures on Facebook or messages in the messenger will change them.
The most effective way to deal with addiction is to simply block the person. Completely. On all social networks
In the end, I admitted to myself – virtual collisions with this person bring me pain. The only way not to look at his pages when I feel bad is to keep myself busy.
In the evenings, I forced myself to close my laptop and played with my daughter. If she was already asleep, she would include a movie that she had long wanted to watch. Over the weekend, I finally did what I loved in my youth – painting. Breathing meditation also helped.
But the most effective way to deal with addiction is to simply block the person. Completely. On all social networks. In the end, I decided to do it. Perhaps someday you will calmly remember the past, but for now, give yourself time.
“If a person was important to us, it is not so easy to reset the relationship at the push of a button.”
Tatiana Mizinova, psychoanalyst
The principle of “go away, go away” could be made the standard of parting, but, unfortunately, in reality everything turns out to be much more complicated. Living in the modern world, we have all become entangled in the web of social networks and instant messengers for a long time.
Ten to fifteen years ago, everything was much simpler. We parted, stopped communicating, and if by chance crossed or met, then we simply go to the other side of the road or do not notice the former partner at the party.
Today we are all connected by virtual reality. The decision to “remove from everywhere” is most often impulsive. This is a small symbolic murder – “you are no longer in my life.” But is it? If a person was significant to us, influenced us, it is not so easy to reset the relationship by pressing the “block” button.
We only add reasons for our feelings and support addiction, because we are not ready to accept what happened.
However, this will be an important step in living grief. Accepting a breakup takes time.
The heroine accurately describes in what situations we cannot overcome the desire to look at the pages of the former: “You are tired, you are sad, you feel sorry for yourself and the future is seen in a black light.” We want to see that a loved one is not sweet without us. And if it is not so? Then we only add reasons for our experiences and reinforce our dependence, because we are not ready to accept what happened.
Why do we go to the pages of the former? We want to return to ourselves positive emotions, we believe that only with him we were happy. And we lose faith in the fact that life will still give us a chance for happiness.
If you find it difficult to decide on a complete break, there is an option on social networks when you do not see a person, but everything that happens in your feed is visible to him. Let this be the first step to a virtual breakup. In any case, until you begin to more soberly assess what happened.
About the expert
Tatiana Mizinova – psychoanalyst, director of the Persona psychological center, vice-president of the European Confederation for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Vienna).
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