Why men don’t understand us and how to change it


Ingratitude and indifference

Men often think that a woman does not value them and that they take everything they do for her and her family for granted.

“I work hard so that my wife and child live with dignity,” admits Matvey. – However, she never asked about my successes, did not support me. I would like to feel that my efforts are appreciated and my wife is proud of me. “

Why does a woman do this

“A woman can appreciate a man, but she has no idea how important it is to thank and praise each other. She could not have gained this experience in the parental family, – says gestalt therapist Natalya Artsybasheva. – A man should try to praise her himself and speak directly about his need to hear her praise.

Perhaps such female behavior is associated with hidden resentment, and this is a kind of message: “You hurt me, well, I will deprive you of your praise.” The message is unclear and dangerous for the relationship.

In other words, a woman herself may not have enough attention from a man, but she does not speak about it directly. The only way to change this is to clarify what happened and resolve the situation on your own or with a specialist. “

Constant depression and expectation of support

If a woman is not in the mood all the time, a man often takes it personally. It makes him feel guilty.

“I don’t understand why women complicate things so much,” says Andrei. – Have a hard day at work? There will be another. Don’t like your job? We must change. Is it unpleasant that your friend constantly criticizes? Why is she among your friends? Life is much simpler. “

Why does a woman do this

Men are better able to distinguish between emotional and rational spheres. Having made a decision, they stop reflecting and prefer to act. A woman in a difficult moment often needs not so much practical help or advice as a sense of belonging. This is how misunderstanding is born.

“Women are more sensitive to details, this is an evolutionary mechanism, the flip side of the fact that they are able to distinguish thirty-three variants of his mood by the squeak of a baby,” explains Natalya Artsybasheva. “Plus, both sexes deal with stress differently.

A man usually needs to either do something or forget. A woman needs to talk and be with someone close. Men expect clear instructions from a woman on what to do. And when they don’t get it, they feel guilty and confused. “

Conversations “about nothing”

A detailed narrative that is not very eye-catching seems obsessive to many men.

“Sometimes she talks about things that are not interesting to me and are clearly not very important for our relationship,” says Vadim. – Then I just go into my thoughts. She accuses me of ignoring her interests and a quarrel is sparked. “

Why does a woman do this

Women know how to be attentive to the world of another person, demonstrate a greater readiness than men to listen and discuss a problem. And they expect the same emotional return from their half. What men call “boring and redundant details” can be an important part of life for a woman.

“In pairs, mutual learning is very important, and there is nothing wrong with informing a partner how best to support us, what can and cannot be expected from us,” says Natalya Artsybasheva. – About seemingly endless discussions, it is worth agreeing that, for example, you cannot discuss the topics of fashion and the family affairs of girlfriends, but about the psychology of communication and raising children, you are ready to listen carefully and look for a joint solution.

It is important to define these boundaries and rely not on the amount of time spent in discussions, but on its quality. But the silent “withdrawal into their thoughts” is the road to imperceptible distance from each other. “


Does she have her own life and friends? Men are often interested in this issue before deciding to build intimate relationships. They fear that a woman will encroach on their independence too much and prevent them from spending time on their own.

“It is important for me that the woman I love misses and wants to be with me. However, I do not want her to strive to spend all her free time together, ”admits Mikhail.

Why does a woman do this

Young women do have a strong bondage to home and partner and give the impression of being addicted to spending time together. This is often referred to as the nesting instinct.

“This is how oxytocin, a neurotransmitter responsible for motherhood and the pleasure of intimacy and togetherness, manifests itself,” says the expert. – In the future, the presence of children greatly raises the level of anxiety – this is a natural evolutionary mechanism.

Cubs of non-anxious mothers would have been eaten by tigers long ago. Therefore, anxiety stuck in us and helped us survive. The desire to rely on a man is largely due to the same. “

However, if we are talking about painful dependence on a partner, when a woman makes him the center of her whole life and responsible for her psychological well-being, this is a reason to turn to a specialist.

Natalia Artsybasheva

About the expert

Natalia Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her website

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