Why do we bond with men who hurt?


When we meet men and go on dates, we can meet more than handsome princes. There is a risk that we will face those who only imitate falling in love and sincerity of intentions and are ready to leave us for a new victim. We also suffer because of men who think they are able to build close relationships, but for various reasons are not ready for this. Such people deceive both themselves and their partner.

How to avoid rapprochement with people who bring only pain and disappointment into our lives?

Whom and why do we attract

Do opposites attract? This is just a common cliche. And we usually stop agreeing with this idea when the relationship between us and a partner lasts a long time, says the coach for interpersonal relations Greg Michaelson. But at the beginning of communication, we may really be attracted by certain nuances of the personality that we do not find in ourselves.

But at the same time, a confident person, who perceives life as a road full of opportunities and discoveries, intuitively reaches for the same life companion. And vice versa – the one who is shackled by inner fears and limitations will sympathize with the person who values ​​predictability.

“We unconsciously read these attitudes as familiar and most comfortable,” says Michaelson. – When you meet a man, by his body language, by his look, he determines how confident you are in yourself, whether you are capable of enjoying life. He may not notice the imperfections of your figure. But he perfectly sees a dull look, hunched shoulders. This image, as the closest and most understandable, is often chosen by the one who is ready to act out only his fears and complexes in a relationship. “

That is why self-doubt is a magnet for those who are afraid of life and are often incapable of trusting, responsible relationships. Most likely, this is not the person you want to be around.

Strengthen internal borders

Sometimes we ourselves do not notice how we give our partner every reason to think that his desires are always a priority for us. If he calls in the evening and unexpectedly offers to meet, do you change plans and immediately agree, even if you have already put on a mask and put on cozy pajamas?

“Even if you really like the person, you shouldn’t do it,” Greg Michaelson is sure. – When a man offers you a spontaneous meeting, then, most likely, he had other plans that were canceled at the last moment. He doesn’t really value you or your time. Such tactics are often used by pick-up artists, for whom what is happening is just a game. “

Perhaps the true task of such a person is to feel his power over you and thereby assert himself. It is important not to lose a sense of comfort, and this is possible only if the other party respects your interests, takes into account your desires.

To have a break

It is worth first of all to figure out why such people are next to you.

Perhaps you just recently experienced a traumatic event: illness or separation from a loved one. And they did not fully survive what happened, and the pain and feeling of loneliness are pushing to “heal” in a new relationship. The second party accurately reads your vulnerability and can use it to their advantage.

If from time to time you attract completely different people whom you would like to see as a companion in life, it may be worth pause, temporarily stop dating and start strengthening your inner state.

Connect selectivity

Often women are encouraged to broaden their understanding of a potential partner, not to focus on one type of man, and to get to know each other more actively. Try to go from the opposite of becoming more critical of new virtual acquaintances asking you out on dates.

Reject proposals from those who give you even the slightest doubt. If, after several successful meetings, you begin to notice something that bothers you in a man’s behavior, try to pause right away so as not to get emotionally close. Even if it seems to you that between you is what is called chemistry.

“People with similar interests and life values ​​notice each other,” recalls Michaelson. – Try to organize your social life so that you often visit the places where those who are close in spirit find themselves. If you love exhibitions, movies, sports, and you care about pets – start not with dating apps, but rather with clubs and forums of interest. It is there that you are most likely to meet a loved one. “

“We make choices unconsciously”

Marina Myaus, psychologist

If from time to time we find ourselves in a relationship where they hurt us, devalue our feelings, then, most likely, all the chosen partners have something in common. As a rule, the key that unexpectedly “unlocks” our heart is the so-called parental scenario. What we saw in the family and we repeat in the usual way.

As a child, we develop a special affection for one of the parents, bordering on falling in love. And it’s not necessarily about warm affection for a parent of the opposite sex. For a girl, this can be an unpredictable mother: either cheerful, ready to share with her all the childhood joys, then unexpectedly tough, capable of screaming and punishing for nothing.

The girl grows up, she begins to like men with the same spontaneity of feelings and uncontrolled expression of emotions. When the relationship with them collapses, the woman seems to be out of luck again. But in fact, she herself unconsciously chooses just such partners.

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