Why do quarrels with family hurt so much?

Why do quarrels with family hurt so much? KNOW YOURSELF


“After the death of my mother, my brother was changed. We’ve always been friends. Now he is ready to sue me for every centimeter of her apartment. He had already turned the rest of his relatives against me, now he took up mutual friends. This is my brother! How could this happen? ” – shares Irina, 38 years old.

“I found that there was not enough money in my wallet. At first I decided that I had counted wrong. But I’m a pensioner, you can’t count much here. I realized that the money disappears when the granddaughter comes. It’s scary to even admit it’s true. I don’t want to complain to my parents, but I don’t know how to look her in the eyes now ”, – Tatyana Sergeevna, 61 years old.

“My sister asked for a loan for a new smartphone when she broke the old one. I gave. We agreed that for two months. A year passed, she kept pretending that nothing had happened. I reminded – stopped answering calls. Who else I would not stand on ceremony with, but this is my sister … I decided to forget. But somehow it is not forgotten, ”- Roman, 35 years old.

Quite often, insults inflicted by family members hurt more painfully than if they were inflicted by friends or colleagues. Family ties can turn into bonds when it comes to showdown or trying to defend their positions.

Why does the family hurt more? The first and most obvious answer is because they are our relatives. The closest blood or even non-blood ones, but chosen by us – if it is a spouse, for example. We are tightly connected, and in our minds there is often an attitude that the family should be support and support. Ideally, this is so, but in life, unfortunately, relatives do not always meet our expectations.

The habit of sharing and consulting, helping with deeds and money tightly binds us to family members. And this means that we trust them, rely and count on support. And, meeting a different reaction, we feel doubly vulnerable – if only because we hold much stronger boundaries with colleagues and friends – both financial and personal.

In order not to destroy the relationship, we are ready to forget grievances, write off debts, “not notice” the hurting sarcasm

Who knows the weakest strings of our soul if not the brother or sister with whom we grew up together? Who knows many of our secrets, if not the closest people? The connecting strings can become the strings on which those who, in our opinion, break the rules and hurt us begin to play. And when we find that our revelations “can be used against us,” it feels like our trust has been betrayed.

Powerlessness, anger, disappointed expectations – and, of course, resentment covers the head. These feelings are hard to handle, as is the thought that an important life support — good relationships with family members — has proven to be unreliable. “As if the earth had slipped from under our feet. I wish I hadn’t had a brother – and it wouldn’t be so painful now, ”- this is how Irina describes her feelings.

In many cases, we forgive family members for things that others would not let go. In order not to destroy the relationship, we are ready to forget grievances, write off debts, “not notice” the wounding sarcasm or “accidentally disclosed” secret to the public.

However, forgiveness is not the same volitional action as hammering a nail or turning off the TV, for example. Forgiveness can be born spontaneously in a person’s soul. Or it may never come even after years of sincere desire to forgive the offender. Honesty with yourself is important here. Because an unforgiven resentment will likely undermine the relationship.

With a mutual desire to maintain closeness, you need to talk about the situation and your feelings and hear the other side. Then there is a chance to understand each other, forgive and continue to communicate without hidden negativity.

And perhaps this conversation will open our eyes to the fact that we were deceived and believed too much in the sanctity of family ties, built illusions about this person, and he simply is not what we thought. Well, the truth is sometimes useful, though not always pleasant.

The value of family ties also covers those who are prone to aggression, abuse, violence. And those who are not ready to give warmth and love to close people – children especially suffer from this, such wounds remain for life.

Sometimes the victim is faced with a terrible choice: to break the connection with one relative or the whole family, or to swallow the resentment and continue to communicate with someone who has caused or regularly causes pain. Sometimes it is because of family ties that the situation is so difficult for a person that the help of a psychotherapist is needed, especially when it comes to violence.

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