3. Difficulties in defending their own boundaries
Many of those who grew up in an environment of cold indifference or constant criticism and unpredictability say that they constantly felt the need for mother’s affection, but at the same time realized that they did not know a reliable way to get it. What caused a favorable smile today may be rejected tomorrow with irritation. And already becoming adults, they continue to look for a way to appease, to please their partners or friends, to avoid the repetition of that motherly coldness at any cost.
They cannot feel the border between “cold and hot”, then approaching too close, looking for such interpenetrating relationships that the partner is forced to retreat under their pressure, then, on the contrary, afraid to approach the person for fear that they will be pushed away. In addition to the difficulty of establishing healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, daughters of unloving mothers often have problems with friendships. “How do I know that she is really my friend?” “She’s my friend, it’s hard for me to refuse her, and in the end they just start wiping their feet again about me.”
In romantic relationships, such girls show avoidant affection: they avoid intimacy, although they are looking for intimate relationships, they are very vulnerable and dependent. “Light converged like a wedge” – this is their vocabulary. “They cast cowardly glances, hiding behind a book,” – also about them. Or, as an extreme manifestation of a defensive position, an instant “no” to any offer, invitation or request from a man. The fear is too great that the relationship will bring them the same pain that they experienced in childhood, when they were looking for mother’s love and did not find it.
4. Low self-esteem, inability to recognize their merits
As one of these unloved daughters said during therapy: “As a child, I was brought up, mainly struggling with shortcomings, they did not talk about the merits – so as not to frighten me off. Now, wherever I work, they tell me that I do not show enough initiative and do not strive to advance. “
Many say that it was a real surprise for them that they were able to achieve something in life. Many people delay until the very last moment when it comes to new acquaintances, looking for a better job, in order to avoid disappointment. Failure in this case will mean complete rejection for them, remind them of the despair they experienced in childhood when their mother rejected them.
Only in adulthood, the unloved daughter manages to believe that she had a normal appearance, and not “three hairs”, “not in our breed” and “who will take you like that.” “I accidentally stumbled upon my old photograph, when I already had my own children, and I saw on it a pretty girl, not thin and not fat. It was as if I looked at her with someone else’s eyes, I didn’t even immediately realize that it was me, my mother’s “felt boot”.
5. Avoidance as a defensive reaction and as a life strategy
Do you know what happens when it’s time to seek your love? Instead of “I want to be loved”, the girl, who felt maternal dislike in childhood, somewhere deep down in her soul feels fear: “I don’t want to be offended again.” For her, the world consists of potentially dangerous men, among whom, in some unknown way, you need to find your own.
6. Excessive sensitivity, “thin skin”
Sometimes someone’s innocent joke or comparison makes them cry, because these words, so easy for others, fall unbearably heavy into their souls, awaken a whole layer of memories. “When I overreact to someone’s words, I specifically remind myself that this is my peculiarity. The man, perhaps, did not want to offend me. ” It is also difficult for daughters so unloved in childhood to cope with their emotions, because they did not have the experience of unconditional acceptance of their value, which allows them to stand firmly on their feet.
7. Search for maternal relationships when interacting with men
We are attached to what is familiar to us, what is part of our childhood, whatever it may be. “Only years later, I realized that my husband treated me the same way as my mother, and I myself chose him. Even the first words that he said to me to get to know each other were: “You yourself came up with this way to knit this scarf? Take it off. ” Then it seemed to me very funny and original. “
Why are we talking about this now, when we have already grown up? Not to throw in despair those cards that fate has dealt us. Everyone has their own. And in order to understand how we act and why. It is very difficult to grow up without love, you have had this difficult test, but many people have experienced the same and were able to overcome it.