“Mom, this is Masha, she does not drink or smoke! – Why? – I can’t anymore! ” It’s even funny at first. But as soon as we find ourselves in the role of one of the characters in a similar story, the sense of humor quickly fails.
Despite all the psychology articles, personal therapy or life wisdom read, even if we all understand about separation, let an adult child go into adulthood and do not cluck over him, we still remain parents. This means that we will never stop wishing him happiness and worrying about problems.
We also wish ourselves happiness. Most of us hope that the family will be friendly, even with a new person, and the communication will be pleasant.
The chosen ones of children can be unsuitable for various reasons. In some cases, this is a matter of taste or intolerance of the future mother-in-law (mother-in-law) to some type, habit or behavior. For example, if a new person smokes or dresses, from our point of view, flashy or tasteless.
But there are also deeper contradictions that potentially lead to conflicts in the family or create a dangerous situation for a beloved child. There are a lot of situations. We’ll break down three stories that Psychologies readers have shared with us. Psychologist Svetlana Lukashevich comments.
“Devil in the rib”
Maryana, housewife, 44 years old
“Mom, this is Zhenya” – the son finally brought his fiancée to us for dinner, about whom we had already heard. The pretty girl modestly lowered her eyes and perhaps didn’t do a knixen. I exhaled. This is a good start. I was worried that our sarcastic and rather aggressive dad might scare this little angel. But that’s not what I was thinking …
“Twenty five years! – I shouted into the phone to a friend that evening. – For twenty-five years I have been living with him and have never seen him be such a bunny! From the very first meeting, she found an approach to him – and he swam! He laughed at her jokes, smiled sweetly and did not say a word of criticism or a single caustic remark. Does she have the talent of a manipulator or does he have a devil in the ribs ?! God is my judge, but I don’t want to see her in my house anymore! What should I do?..”
Before trusting a woman’s intuition and labeling her son’s girlfriend as a “insidious temptress,” let’s clear the perception of impurities of another kind of stimuli. Here you need to be uncompromisingly honest with yourself and answer a number of questions: “Have I not felt encroachments on my undeniable authority in the family?”; “Didn’t it prick me that the“ daughter-in-law ”was able to unwittingly reveal my stiffness in the perception of her own husband?”; “Are there any signals in my feelings that the relationship with the other half requires some renewal after 25 years of marriage?”
“Or maybe I’m just sad about the fact that the period of my son’s childhood is leaving forever and it is necessary to start writing a new life chapter?”
It is not simple! But all participants in the process are also in a vulnerable position. Armed with honesty, patience, a willingness to change, you can hear the real quiet voice of your feminine intuition. And enter into a deliberate dialogue with loved ones.
Dilya, translator, 43 years old
“When my daughter brought her boyfriend to meet me, I fell into a stupor. He looked like two peas in a pod like her dad, my ex-husband, after talking with whom I had to go through two years of psychotherapy before deciding on a new relationship.
Kolya resembled him even outwardly, but first of all – with movements, facial expressions, manner of communication. It wasn’t even funny because my ex was a psychopath and an abuser. As life has shown, the daughter’s fiancé turned out to be the same. Of course, she did not listen to me – love is blind. Only two years later, she finally broke up with him, retaining unpleasant memories and a scar on his temple from his fist. We can only hope that, like me, this story became a “graft” from such people for her for the rest of her life. ”
In the fairy tale, Little Red Riding Hood begins her dialogue with the Gray Wolf, despite her mother’s orders. Why? There is more than words and warnings. For example, some appropriated far away in childhood and deeply stored, unconscious pattern of behavior. She “programs”, excites, beckons and even sometimes makes you go for provocations.
And, contrary to common sense, Little Red Riding Hood does not just start a dialogue with the Gray Wolf. She goes to bed with him (after all, she could not, in her right mind, confuse grandmother with a wolf in her cap) and studies him in detail, right down to sharp teeth. The consequences are inevitable.
Your daughter has already played this scenario once, and now the main thing is to prevent it from happening again and again. And this happens often! After all, as we said, it’s not about experience and logic. But your “heroine” has an invaluable gift – a saving map of the way out of the dense forest of violence, which was drawn by her mother. And a large number of allies along the way. As I understand it, you can recommend the right psychologist if necessary.
A look from the back side
Irina, editor, 40 years old
“And, unexpectedly for myself, somehow turned out to be that very“ inappropriate ”girl. Once upon a time a young man brought me to meet my mother. “Irina? She asked, wrinkling her nose. “A terrible name!”
“The child himself must certainly become the author of his life.”
The psychologist explains: “For most parents, the situation of acquaintance with the passion of their beloved child causes stress. And sometimes it is not easy to understand the true reasons for your first reactions, but it is important to do this. After all, choosing a partner is a deeply intimate process characterized by increased personal significance and particular vulnerability to external assessments. Sharp disapproval from loved ones, and even more prohibitive measures can lead at least to a breach of your contact, up to a break in relations. And as a maximum, injure a son or daughter for many years.
Here it is important to be patient, understanding, baggage of wisdom, be close and be ready to offer all this wealth. But, what is very important, the child himself must certainly become the author of his life.
And although everything, most likely, will not go smoothly and it will not always be possible to build really close trusting relationships with new family members, but you will be rewarded with amazing discoveries in yourself and loved ones. You will find new facets of your need and need for a family, and communication with your child will not be limited only to routine phrases. “