Recently I came across an online discussion some of the members of which regretted their connection with married men. This is incomprehensible to me: almost always from the very beginning it is known that the partner is not free, and you are aware of the possible consequences.
I am dating such a man and do not feel any regret or guilt about this. Does it bother me that my friend is leading a double life and cheating on his wife? No, this is his choice, he is responsible for it. As well as my choice – to accept the situation and not demand more from him than he is ready to give.
There is no mercantile interest in our relationship. I am not trying to get material assistance or social advancement in this way. I’m just a happy person who rejoices at every meeting. A friend gave me a completely new sense of myself as a woman, and that’s enough for me.
Before we met, I had a relationship, and I was even going to get married. I sincerely wanted this and was faithful to the groom. At the same time, I always liked my colleague, but I drove from myself any thoughts and fantasies associated with this person. He was married, I had a relationship, and I could not imagine that something is possible between us.
We never talk about his family. He does not want to destroy it, and I do not intend to pressure him with questions about what will happen next
But once at a corporate party, we talked closer and realized that all this time we were drawn to each other. That very night we became close, and the next morning we started dating. For the first time, I felt what an “electric” passion that cannot be denied.
We never talk about his family. He does not want to destroy it, and I do not intend to pressure him with questions about what will happen next. I can only be responsible for myself and finished my relationship with the groom.
I will not dissemble: if a loved one once confesses to me that he is leaving the family to be only with me, I will be happy. However, I perfectly understand how unrealistic these expectations are. I have not the slightest desire to poison myself with endless expectation. I just want to enjoy life here and now. Therefore, I continue to live as I lived: I study, build a career, meet friends and even sometimes go on dates with other men – for the sake of thrill.
And further. I promised myself that if our relationship ends, I will not try to get it back. There is nothing sadder than the situation when a woman sits and waits for the love of her life to return, while this life itself passes by.
“Not getting what we wanted, we conclude: we didn’t really want to”
Tatiana Mizinova, psychoanalyst
Romances with married men have been and probably will always be. How many songs have been sung on this topic, how many films have been shot. And almost always these stories have a sad end when one or both partners are suffering. But here it is important to make a reservation – this applies to those cases when a spark ran between people and real feelings arose.
Can a relationship with such a man be pleasant and not traumatic? Yes, when they are based on mutual benefit, which can be anything: sex, money, support and promotion, help with car or home repairs. The boundaries of such a relationship are clearly delineated and end when the main request is satisfied. In such temporary unions, all the attributes of romance may be present, but at the same time both parties understand what exactly connected them.
The heroine’s situation is radically different, and she deceives herself, claiming that she is comfortable. When we fail to get what we wanted, we feel frustration, and the psyche uses one of the defenses – rationalization. We conclude: I didn’t really want to, and so everything suits me. The heroine is well aware that her expectations are unrealistic. Despite this, she has little hope that the situation will change.
The woman has a need for intimacy and care. Often this is not at all what a man needs in a relationship with his mistress.
In this couple, joint plans and the presence of a family with a man are not discussed, because this would very quickly return everyone to a reality from which both run away for the duration of the meetings. The girl turns out to be a small part of a man’s life, and he turns out to be her whole life. Yes, the heroine tries to break out of this trap, meets with friends and even goes on dates “for the thrill.” However, this is more of a way to maintain self-esteem, and at the same time “kill” the time before the next date.
Such novels, as a rule, are based on a strong sexual desire, but after a while it is satisfied, and the woman develops a need for intimacy and care. Often this is not at all what a man needs in a relationship with his mistress, if he can receive all this in the family.
The heroine reasoned reasonably: “There is nothing sadder than the situation when a woman sits and waits for the love of her life to return.” But in a situation of rupture with the “love of life”, few can remain calm and rational. Sometimes parting can be very painful and can take years.
About the expert
Tatiana Mizinova – psychoanalyst, director of the Persona psychological center, vice-president of the European Confederation for Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Vienna).