Those who have been in a relationship at least once know: someone from the environment will definitely find some kind of mismatch in your pair. Relatives, friends, acquaintances will certainly notice something that contradicts social stereotypes, cultural attitudes, family traditions. And all because there is no relationship without misalliance. Each union is somewhat unequal, the family and couples psychotherapist Natalya Olifirovich is sure.
“We are all different: the level of prosperity, social status, education, intelligence, appearance. We initially come to a couple in inequality: someone is more beautiful, someone is older, someone has a more agreeable character, someone is better able to adapt to stress. Some misalliances are invisible, and some are striking. “
But, it would seem, if a beauty likes her evil dwarf or a rich man lives well with Cinderella, then what difference does it make to them – who and what says about them? Why are they paying attention to this?
“We react to the vibes of others, unfortunately, you cannot ignore them,” Natalya Olifirovich is convinced. – We live in a society, the opinion of others is always important to us. In the same tale about Ivan Tsarevich, the father-tsar ordered him to shoot an arrow and bring home the wife that the arrow had hit. And it seems that the father approved of the marriage with the frog, but Ivan Tsarevich was still worried about how the social environment would evaluate this union. It is important for us that people approve and say: “Although she is a toad, she bakes like pies! And what kind of shirts he sews. And at night there is no one better than her. “
From “good” motives
Unfortunately, not all couples do well when someone attacks their bond. How does the attack occur? Most often, we are not told openly: “I love you and I am jealous of your partner, so I want to break your connection.” Or a mother will never admit that she is jealous of her own daughter, who lives in love and wealth with her husband, because she herself has lived all her life in poverty with an alcoholic.
If our friends and girlfriends are doing well – there is no violence or abuse in the union, then what difference does it seem to us how they live? What emotion is included in us when we climb into a strange monastery with our own charter?
“Most often, envy and jealousy are behind this, sometimes just anger – I don’t, but someone has. And then the couple is attacked, the happy owner of what we do not have. The easiest way in an attack is to exalt one’s own — son, brother, friend, and the second partner — to devalue and denigrate. Sometimes they say nasty things directly, sometimes covertly. “Your wife is good, of course, but here’s a leg of size 40,” says the psychologist.
But if you think about it, it turns out that with such attacks and injections we are indirectly told that, in fact, we are stupid, blind, spineless, since the wrong partner has “turned on” us. It is difficult for people without psychological training and preparation to resist such pressure.
Those who are psychologically savvy can directly ask the “well-wisher” question: “What message do you really want to send me? What are the real motives behind such an attack? ” As a rule, people who are inexperienced in psychologically theories begin to doubt: did I really choose that one? After all, relatives will not lie, they do not need anything from us, they love us and worry. Few of the loved ones honestly admit that someone else’s happiness infuriates.
“In several episodes, Shrek wants to marry Fiona,” Natalya Olifirovich gives an example. – She, in the language of psychology, is a split personality – from her mother she inherited human beauty, from her father – the appearance of a toad. And she needs to choose which part of her will remain forever. She chooses to be the same as her beloved Shrek.
But all the same, throughout all the films, certain forces constantly interfere and want to prevent them. Because it’s unbearable that ugly green ogres can be happy and give birth to babies. Therefore, it is important, when you are attacked, to remain stable and to put an obstacle on all attacks. “What’s the difference to you?” Or “I’m not ready to discuss this with you.” Or you can ask: “And with what feelings do you ask me about this, maybe this word with the letter Z is envy? No? Is this a concern? But did I ask you to take care of me? Do I look like a person who needs this kind of care? “
Very often, with visible inequality, misalliance is balanced. She gives her youth and beauty, and he gives her a sense of security and a life in abundance. He holds a high status, and she creates comfort and warmth at home.
But even if you yourself suddenly think that there is inequality in your union, draw up a table. It will help you to clearly see what each of us invests in the union, how balanced the investments are. And what and how can be corrected.
“Write in the table: what I give to my partner, what I get from him and what I would like to receive from him,” Natalya Olifirovich suggests. – Weigh: is it balanced what I receive and give. Rate on a 10-point scale from 0 to 10 the effort you put into each action: 0 is very easy, 10 is very hard.
If you have a huge amount of return, but everything is simple on his part and it doesn’t cost him anything, this is an obvious imbalance. Because we value the relationships we invest in. What would I like or would like to receive from a partner? Talk about it. “I am grateful to you for this and for this, but I really want to receive flowers or erotic text messages from you once a month.” Monitor daily: “Do I still want to be with this person? Do I still love him? ” If yes, then everything is fine. “
And it is also useful to think if suddenly we ourselves are annoyed by someone else’s misalliance: what in this story attracts me so much, what is it about me, my feelings, my life? Maybe I’m so involved in a friend’s life because my life lately cannot be called happy? And is it much easier to engage in someone else’s misalliance than your own?
About the expert
Natalia Olifirovich – family psychologist, systems analyst, chairman of the council of the Republican public association “Society of Psychologists and Psychotherapists” Gestalt Approach “(Belarus).