The institution of marriage has been changing significantly lately. What seemed like a natural scenario for the development of relationships is not suitable for everyone, and people choose their own options. For example, not everyone is ready to live with a partner, even if the relationship is long and stable, even if the marriage is officially registered.
Personal space for everyone
The reasons for living separately can be different for everyone. Basically, it’s all about the lack of time for yourself and the need for personal space. No matter how close and good the relationship is, people get tired of each other, everyone has their own way of life and habits.
For example, introverts are especially acutely concerned about the inability to be alone with themselves for a long time and to control their territory. It is very difficult for them to constantly share space with someone else, even with a loved one. By closing the door of the room behind him, the introvert must make sure that he is safe and that no one will enter – at least not enter without knocking. Any unexpected guests can be very upsetting.
Sometimes, when living together, people feel guilty for not being able to pay attention to their loved ones every evening, and instead of having a dinner and a lively conversation, they dream of crawling under the covers in pajamas and alone watching a horror movie or playing with their beloved dog.
Having a spouse with children or pets also complicates living together and can lead to a conflict of interest.
“The sons of my partner, 12 and 14 years old, lived with us for half a week. These days I could not concentrate and rest, – admits communication strategist and blogger Vicky Dimech. – Not everything was bad, of course. But I’m an introvert and I really need a lot of time alone. Therefore, sometimes in the evenings I ran out of the living room.
But the last straw was that one of the sons began to visit his father in the days when he was supposed to live with his mother. He slammed doors, could enter us without knocking and turned on the sound at full volume, playing the console. I realized that this situation is absolutely unfair. “
Vicki describes himself as an introvert and highly sensitive person. To restore emotional balance, such people need a comfortable space in which the order they have established reigns, without surprises in the form of candy wrappers left by children or things scattered by their partner.
Is it good or bad?
Studies published on the Internet provide conflicting information. Some argue that for the development of relations, a couple needs to live together. Others write that the guest format helps keep love alive.
Obviously, there is no common recipe for happiness, as always, and cannot be. Each couple chooses their own path, the most important thing is that two can find an option that suits both. The ability to listen to yourself, understanding your own needs and respect for each other help in such a search.
A person who is satisfied with life feels happier and conveys this feeling to those with whom he communicates. Having the ability to regulate the relationship between social and solitude, he experiences less stress.
Making up for the lack of time in order to do what you love helps to feel more whole, not to lose your “I” in a relationship. Provides a resource from which a person is able and wants to share energy, mood, interests with a partner.
“Any marriage is a kind of contract,” says clinical psychologist Lidia Fedorova. – And the guest as well. And if in such an agreement two people are satisfied with everything, if relations with each other and with children are honest and open, then why not choose this option?
Many people go into this relationship because of injury. For example, if there was a negative experience of addiction – when it turned out to be scary and painful. Let’s say a relationship with an abuser or a rapist. The so-called counterdependence is formed – “I am on my own”. In fact, we are all addicted, in any relationship, and avoiding this is also a kind of addiction.
It happens that a guest marriage is not a voluntary choice, but a compromise, with its own pitfalls and internal conflicts. In this case, this is just one way to avoid solving problems. “
There is nothing wrong or shameful in seeking to provide yourself with the necessary level of psychological comfort. Moreover, it is the attempts to change oneself and “adjust” to the general standards of life or the needs of the partner that usually lead to disastrous results and ultimately destroy the relationship. And for some, a guest marriage is the only opportunity to build a partnership that will delight both for many years.