Everything you wanted to know about polyamory but were shy to ask


Polyamory is often confused with polygamy and open relationships, although they have only one thing in common: the possibility of sexual intercourse not only with a regular partner. In reality, polyamorous relationships are built on the idea that each of us can be in a love relationship (share not only bed, but also life) with several people at the same time. Polyamory is, first of all, “amor”, love, and “poli” is a nice bonus.

What is special about polyamory? Psychologists and polyamorous psychologists Dossie Easton and Catherine A. List note: “When we are looking for a partner for life, we need a lot from him: similar values, common interests, great sex, the same gastronomic tastes. And you can find mutual understanding with a much wider circle of people – you just need to stop trying them on for the role of “together and forever”one

Instead of searching for the “right” person, polyamor gets the opportunity to choose and self-knowledge. After all, even sex with different partners allows you to discover new manifestations of your personality – for example, through such types of intimacy that the main partner is not interested in.

Polyamorous test

It’s important to remember that polyamory isn’t for everyone. First of all, this is not a way to stir up or mend relationships that do not suit you – if your couple already has problems, then the appearance of other people can only intensify their manifestations. First ask yourself if you feel good with your partner, if you really want to be with him. Maybe, out of habit, you continue to be in a relationship that has long outlived its usefulness? In this case, you should first listen to yourself and your desires, and then look for happiness in another (or others).

Many try to become polyamorous under the influence of partners or the environment and end up feeling miserable. As a couple, both must be equally willing and interested in such changes, so a healthy polyamorous relationship through self-sacrifice is not possible.

The next step is to determine how “compatible” you are with a non-monogamous relationship. If you do not want to share your partner with another person and do not have the emotional strength to maintain a close relationship with someone else, polyamory will not work for you.

Polyamorous Relationship Code

The common idea that polyamores abandon monogamy because they avoid responsibility is nothing more than a stereotype. In polyamorous relationships, not only the questions characteristic of more familiar forms of communication are preserved, but also new, specific ones are added: “Will my partner like my new girlfriend?”, “How to find time and energy for all partners?”, “What to tell the child?” And you won’t be able to solve them without taking responsibility for your life.

As with any relationship, rules are important in polyamory – conscious, mutually consistent, and flexible. Whether it’s budget, home, or sexual intercourse, agreements are based on concern for the senses. You will have to decide whether what you want will be comfortable for your partner, whether it is important for your relationship. The trial period – the limited duration of the agreement – will show what to do with it next. If it does not work as we would like, then it can be revised or removed altogether.

There is no official set of rules – even the concept of “treason” depends on the agreements of the partners themselves. For one, it turns out to be important that the partner always sleeps at home, for the other – that his partner coordinates with him the choice of lovers. Sometimes the responsibilities of the parties do not coincide: what offends one person may be unimportant for the other. So there is cheating in polyamorous relationships, and it is not about sex as such, but about breaking agreements.

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