Can everyone fall in love at first sight
Man and woman
“I know it’s childish, but I really want to experience this – at least once.” Elena, 30 years old, dreams of falling in love at first sight. She understands that a stunning love does not guarantee either mutual fidelity or happiness. More than once she heard from friends, read in magazines and novels that this feeling is illusory, and disappointment is almost guaranteed. Nevertheless, she dreams of a meeting that will aggravate her feelings, possibly changing her fate.
“Love at first sight is an instant idealization of a person,” says Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko. “Almost instantly, confidence appears: it is precisely the one who will make us happy”. But is everyone capable of this?
When feelings are full
“She comes unexpectedly, capturing the whole being of a person, he simply does not realize what happened to him,” says psychotherapist Gleb Lozinsky. – His mind focuses on thoughts about something else. He realizes that someone is managing this relationship. They are like an element. ”
Those who know this feeling recall that it surged instantly and completely unexpectedly. “I wandered around the exhibition, examined the paintings,” says 42-year-old Olga. – And suddenly I felt that someone was looking at me. A gray-haired man smiled at me. For some reason I thought: “A happy and smart person. You can live your whole life with him. ” The stranger approached Olga, they talked … “Later, Sasha said that at that moment he felt an incredible surge of energy, lightness, springiness.”
“This condition is akin to an insight in psychotherapy,” says Tatyana Rebeko, “when for a long and painfully we cannot find the answer to an important question for us, but at some point an insight occurs. And everything falls into place, lightness and understanding appear. ”
Each of us can fall in love at first sight. But only under certain conditions
“Love at first sight is always accompanied by a feeling of uniqueness,” adds Gleb Lozinsky. – We suddenly realize that this person is the only one and with him we will live our whole life. Therefore, such moments cannot be many. If the series of loves is endless, the lofty part of love at first sight and the uniqueness of meeting with oneself disappear. Then we are talking more about a certain form of neurosis, which manifests itself in the obsessive behavior of a person who is “in love with love”.
32-year-old Marina is sure that she is not capable of such frivolity. “I need to know a person before I can love him. I can’t just – click – and fall in love. It wasn’t like this with me, and I wouldn’t want to worry about it. ” She is convinced that she can never fall in love at first sight, because she does not need such love …
But Marina is mistaken. “This feeling does not depend on our desire, because it comes to us unconsciously,” our experts say. Each of us can fall in love at first sight. But only under certain conditions.
Is it always mutual?
Not. That is the tragedy of the situation. “Love at first sight comes when we meet a person who, as it seems to us, tells us about ourselves,” explains psychoanalyst Roland Gori. – He gives us this signal against his own will. And reciprocity is, of course, not guaranteed. ”
When the other does not share our experiences, we can become isolated and love suffering. The only way out is to understand that only we see this mirage. And try to redirect attention so as not to plunge into the approaching pain.
When we meet ourselves
32-year-old Stepan, having met Natalya, was not looking for love. However, she too. He just arranged an apartment in St. Petersburg and was going to enjoy a bachelor life. She, having completed graduate school, went to study in Strasbourg for two years.
That evening, Natalia arranged a holiday on the occasion of departure. Stepan brought a friend with him. “The attraction I felt for Natasha was so strong that I was even scared,” recalls Stepan. – I did not want to believe it, I lied to myself, because this sudden feeling threatened my quiet life. I left the party, but the very next morning I began to miss her. And I called her. ”
Natalia tells the same thing: “I saw him and seemed to be under hypnosis. I knew that he was that part of the puzzle that my happiness lacked. When he called, I decided to refuse the trip. And I never regretted it. ”
“Saturated with energy, powerful love at first sight affects the deep layers of our unconscious,” explains Tatyana Rebeko. “We fully accept the other person — and he also accepts us.” And the realization that we are worthy of this feeling inspires. ”
If the novel develops steadily, calmly, this does not excite the friends of lovers. And love at first sight infects even those who are nearby: everyone wants to experience an equally strong passion. But are we ready to meet her?
When we are free
It is impossible to find love at first sight, having set such a goal. “Because this madness always arises involuntarily,” says the psychoanalyst Roland Gori, “it suddenly envelops us at the sight of a person and replaces his image with an enchanting mirage.”
Love at first sight requires openness, inner freedom from all obligations. But in this state we are not always. “If we are already in love and happy in a relationship, nothing will happen,” says Tatyana Rebeko. – Indeed, in this case, we are splashing out energy in relations with a real partner, in conflicts and reconciliation with him. And we will not have an unconscious need to fall in love at first sight. ”
“When a person suppresses his anxieties, he can be broken by a flood of feelings,” agrees Gleb Lozinsky. – So he not only releases the accumulated negative energy, but also meets with himself. One could say this: we fall in love with another, which helps us to know ourselves, to feel contact with ourselves, with our unconscious. ”
When something is missing
Sudden love helps us understand what we are missing. “When we fall in love, we experience a feeling of fullness, as if the missing part of our personality had returned to us,” writes psychoanalyst Robert Johnson in his book “We” (Kogito Center, 2005). “Life becomes intense and full of joy, ecstasy.” Feeling ourselves “completed”, we feel that we have reached the goal. We are fascinated by the illusory sense of coincidence, as if the person on whom our gaze fell would complement us and heal the wounds.
“It happens that sudden love will sparkle like lightning when we have just experienced hard times,” Tatyana Rebeko muses. “In such crisis moments, a feeling can flare up to a friend’s husband (the friend’s wife), because there is a feeling that the well-being of our friends was created by their partners.”
Love at first sight seems to give us the opportunity to experience a rebirth in reality
But still more often there is a meeting with a stranger who suddenly comes to our aid. So, Julia at 41 years old first experienced love at first sight. “This meeting took place at the worst moment of my life: I found out that my husband was cheating on me. I tried to forgive him, but I felt only self-loathing and shame. ”
Once, the management instructed Julia to meet with a new client. “A tall, angular man was waiting for me; he had children’s hands and a very sad look. My heart was beating furiously, I felt uneasiness, awe, desire. He did not notice anything.
A few days later I saw him on the subway. I was so amazed that I thought: this is a hallucination. He stopped. I blushed, muttered something and hurried away, never knowing if my feeling was mutual … ”
When are we ready to go back in time
“We are looking for love in a sense of security that we experienced in early childhood, next to our mother,” says Tatyana Rebeko. At first sight, those of us are inclined toward love, who acutely feel the need to relive those moments when we exchanged with our mother the very first ones in life, emotionally filled with looks.
“This happens unconsciously and does not depend on our will,” the psychotherapist continues. “We suddenly regress, returning to an earlier period of development. Why? Because this stranger reproduces for us the space in which we felt the mother’s love and this feeling sunk into the very depths of our being. Of course, this amazes us, because it is beyond our consciousness. ”
We are once again experiencing the emotional richness of the first moments of communication in life, we experience the very sharp curiosity that has been moving us since our birth. Love at first sight seems to give us the opportunity to experience a revival in reality.
Why is this feeling scary
Not always a sudden feeling develops into a long relationship. Often because the strategy of behavior of lovers becomes … flight. “Love at first sight sweeps away the familiar life, and this can be frightening,” explains Tatyana Rebeko. “We are losing control over what we painstakingly created.” Therefore, having fallen in love, we can decide not to follow this feeling. ”
At the same time, love at first sight gives hope to experience what we are striving for, what we dream about, what we so badly need. But such a perspective is sometimes so scary that a person is unable to control himself. Refusing to fall in love, we protect ourselves both from anxiety and from excruciating disappointment, which is inevitable if the feeling turns out to be unrequited.
As a rule, those who are not sure of themselves do this. This is reminiscent of the first school love we were hiding with all our might. So we tried to maintain a feeling with which we did not know what to do. We were afraid: if we confess our love, they may reject us, ridicule us and eventually abandon us.