An unequal score is the main reason for family quarrels?

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An unequal score is the main reason for family quarrels?

One of the main causes of conflict in pairs is the feeling that we are doing more than a partner. The family psychologist Alexander Shakhov is convinced of this. He is sure that in relationships we all count points. At the same time, we unconsciously evaluate both our actions and the actions of the spouse on our internal scale, which may differ from the partner’s rating system.

Why do couples quarrel? The reasons for conflicts may be different, but the main reason, as a rule, is one – the feeling of losing. “For example, my husband said thanks for the dinner, and you rated his words at 3 points. He himself prepared the dish – assigned 8 points, organized a romantic dinner – counted 10, brought a bouquet of flowers – 20, ”explains Alexander Shakhov. – Or, for example, the wife gave her husband a calm look at football, and he accrued 4 points for her. I prepared a delicious dinner and brought it to the TV – 10. It would seem, why are the ratings so different? The fact is that men and women have different grading scales. ”

During one experiment, psychologists asked partners to rate on a 10-point scale all their actions, as well as the actions of the partner. It turned out that the men did not attach much importance to the fact that they threw a jacket over the shoulders of the woman, seeing that she was cold, while women rated this act at 8 points, seeing in it a manifestation of love, attention and care. Flowers and expensive perfumes as a gift for men received different points depending on the cost, but women noted only the sign of attention: both perfume and bouquet received the same points.

There can be any reason for a quarrel, but the reason is always the same: “I have done more than you”

The husband returned from work and believes that he has 50 points, which means that the score is 50: 0 in his favor. He expects his wife to level him up by preparing dinner, leaving him alone and letting him rest. However, the wife had a score of 0:80 in her favor: she also worked, and besides, she cooked dinner, took the children from school and did homework with them. She expects her husband to talk to her, show care and affection. Both believe that they have done more than a partner, and require an equalization. Conflict erupts.

“There can be any reason for a quarrel, but the reason is always the same:“ I did more than you. ” Often partners accumulate points, but they don’t always score, ”Alexander Shakhov explains.

Step to life without quarrels

To establish relationships, the psychologist offers a special technique. Within a week, each spouse should write down on the sheet their actions and the actions of the partner and evaluate them on a scale from -3 to +3, where:

  • -3 – strongly dislike
  • +3 – really like it,
  • 0 – anyway
  • super win – +10,
  • Super Loss – -10.

10 points can be set when you yourself or a partner have done something out of the ordinary.

You will learn the partner’s value system and learn how to invest in what is truly valuable to him

For example, you have prepared breakfast for your husband. How many advantages do you set for yourself? Decorated the table with napkins in the tone of the tablecloth and decorated the dish – how many points are for the creative? But whether her husband will notice …

He did not thank after breakfast? You can put him -2. Gave flowers for no reason? +10. At the end of the week, you can compare the results and be very surprised: the points set are almost always different.

“As a result, you will learn the partner’s value system and learn how to invest in what is truly valuable to him, and he will learn what is important to you,” the psychologist explains. – This exercise opens up more perspectives when you do not do what you usually do. For example, if you do not cook dinner, your husband will put a low mark and he will understand how much he needs it. So you teach him to appreciate what you do, and you personally. ”

Alexander Shakhov

About the expert:

Alexander Shakhov – family psychologist, relationship expert, head of the Center for Psychological Assistance, author of the courses “Male Psychology”, “Female Self-Assessment”, “5 Steps Towards Her Child”, “Manipulators and Their Victims”, “Relief from Negative Emotions” and a number of others .

Photo Source: Getty images

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