Does the narcissist live in all of us? To a certain extent, even in everyday life, yes. And this is not bad: self-confidence and high self-esteem have never bothered anyone. It should be understood, however, that people who truly suffer from narcissistic personality disorder are self-absorbed and unable to take into account the feelings of others.
After a hard breakup, it’s easy to start suspecting yourself of anything – including narcissism. What if it was us? What if we were too focused on ourselves and stopped hearing our partner? Here are seven signs that will help you understand when you break up that you are not a narcissist and this is not the reason for the breakup.
1. After breaking up, you strive to better understand how the relationship works.
After the breakup, you try to figure out what happened and why, to understand how what started so well ended up so badly. You immerse yourself in reading literature and interacting with experts. Also, you want to know why you are hurting and feeling so bad right now. The narcissist is not at all interested in delving into all this – he knows that he did everything right, and the problem was in the partner.
2. If you need help, you go to therapy.
When you feel bad, you ask for help, but narcissists usually don’t. If the narcissist nevertheless begins to go to psychotherapy, then exactly until he realizes that the therapist is “not good enough”, intelligent, and understanding. Or until he senses that a specialist is about to expose him.
3. You don’t have a string of failed relationships.
Most likely, you already have a breakup experience. You’ve been in a relationship before in which something went wrong. Narcissists repeat the same scenario in every relationship. Since they are not able to love and at the same time constantly need self-affirmation and adoration, they are not able to build close relationships. They splurge for a while, pretending to be gentle and loving, but tend to evaporate before the mask is ripped off.
4. You suffer from the breakup and may blame yourself
Increased anxiety, flashbacks, panic and even paranoia – a difficult breakup for most of us does not go unnoticed. It takes time to get over it. Most likely, you are afraid to accidentally collide somewhere with a former partner – even on the vastness of social networks. Any mention of him upsets you.
At the same time, you are trying to rethink your behavior and your role in the relationship, to understand what you did wrong and whether you could have done otherwise in order to maintain the union. It is extremely important to work out these points so that they do not interfere with your building new relationships.
Narcissists, on the other hand, after parting, experience one of two emotions: happiness if they themselves left a partner, having met someone “better”, or anger, if they broke up with them. If his ego is hurt, the narcissist can become obsessed with the idea of revenge, so stay away from him after the break.
5. You are able to sincerely apologize.
Even if the narcissist asks for forgiveness, he is motivated not by remorse, but by some selfish interest. But the partners of narcissists have to apologize constantly – for this, for the other, for the third, and sometimes do it altogether just in order to keep the peace in the family.
6. You don’t follow your ex’s lives with obsessive obsession.
The first time after breaking up, most of us sneak a peep into the life of our ex, but for narcissists, this “first time” never ends. And it’s not that the narcissist still loves this person (most likely, he doesn’t know how to love at all), it’s just his way of self-affirmation.
It is important for the narcissist to make sure that he could return his partner if only he wanted to. Sometimes attempts to do this continue for years. The only reason to stay in contact with such a person is if you have children in common with him.
7. You have read this article
Obviously, but nevertheless: the narcissist will not read publications about narcissism – simply because he likes everything about himself and there is no need to work on himself. So, most likely, if you have read this material to the end, the test has passed successfully.