When you do not have enough attention from your partner, it seems that everything and everything is much more interesting and important for him than your relationship. It seems that even if you enter a room without clothes, he will not notice it. He cares about anything – TV, telephone, children, work, just not you.
Sadly, your loved one simply ignores you. Let’s say he has a really responsible job that requires full dedication and concentration. You just have to be content with the last place on the list of priorities. It’s not easy to come to terms with this. And you end up begging for attention like charity.
Everyone has a need to be needed, and that’s okay, write the authors of How to Maintain the Spark of Love, coaches Suzy and Otto Collins. However, over-compulsion turns people off. But how do you tell him (or her) that you need more attention without bothering you?
Let’s start by looking at what it means to be obsessive. This is endlessly calling or sending messages, especially if you don’t get an instant response. Try to catch the slightest change in the partner’s mood and, if he (she) is dissatisfied or annoyed with something, take it personally. Constantly pester with questions: “Is everything okay?”, “Do you love me?”
Definitely, all this gets on the nerves of the partner. Obsession can manifest itself in different ways, but the result is always the same. Sooner or later, the relationship will finally deteriorate. The person will become silent and ignore you even more than before. You will end up suffering from loneliness and a sense of abandonment.
Think, suddenly you are actually too intrusive? If so, stop spinning the spiral of addiction that is taking you both further and further away from a healthy relationship, the authors write.
How to get the full attention of a loved one without “begging for alms”?
1. Identify your wants and needs
Think about what you expect from the relationship. Think big: what feelings would you like to experience together? Perhaps some of them are already present in your life. It is also important to distinguish wants from needs.
Your needs are not discussed, there can be no compromise. This is all that can serve as a reason to rethink the relationship – to stay or part. Immutable needs may include monogamy, honesty, and respect.
But desires can and should be discussed. If you want to have your heels scratched before bed, that’s a desire, but not a need. Remember that for some people a need is just a whim for others. The point is that you yourself are clearly aware of the fundamental difference and ask for what you want, but do not betray your values, which are the basis of emotional needs.
2. Engage in self-realization
If you suffer from a lack of attention, it may very well be that you are simply bored and have nowhere to put yourself. This state is burdensome. And it is quite natural that you are trying to improve the situation at the expense of your partner. But aren’t you asking a lot?
When you feel your own failure, expecting someone to fix everything is not only dishonest, but also pointless. The most loving and attentive person in the world cannot make someone who does not feel it himself to feel special.
Take responsibility for your own well-being and peace of mind. If you are unhappy with yourself and think life is a failure, improve first. Remember what habits, actions, activities in the past brought you satisfaction and joy. If nothing comes to mind, make a list of ideas and start experimenting.
You may not be able to achieve instant success, but still try to notice when you feel even a little better.
3. Say what you want
Of course, your partner’s behavior greatly affects your condition. Suppose you are doing everything you can to ensure that your needs are met, but you are still being neglected. Perhaps the partner is constantly “hanging” in chats with friends or disappears for hours on social networks. The fact remains – he has time for other people and entertainment, but not for you. Even if it happens unintentionally, it’s still a shame.
Tell me what exactly does not suit you. Choose your words carefully. If you begin to reproach right away that he / she does not think about you at all, and speculate about some ulterior motives or feelings, it hardly helps. In all likelihood, hostility, defensive behavior, and further alienation are not the attention you were seeking.
Talk about what you want. Don’t focus on what gets in the way of your relationship. Better voice what you would be grateful for. Offer, don’t insist. For example: “I love it so much when you breathe down my neck. Shall we lie together on the couch in an hour? “,” Let’s turn off the phones for the evening and go for a walk? “
4. Be yourself
Always remember that you are unique and value yourself. By remaining yourself, you become more interesting and attractive to others. Pay attention to your partner and what is happening to him, but think about yourself first. Rely on yourself and be honest with yourself. And then no one will accuse you of obsession.