Successful women know their worth, because all their lives they overcome difficulties and work, sparing no energy. But sometimes, in an independent and imperious way, endless pain hides.
They feel uneasy, if everything goes smoothly in life – too unusual sensation. Therefore, they begin to “wind up” themselves: “you are not capable of anything”, “everyone around you sees how insignificant you are,” “all men in your life are the same as your dad, and in the end they will also leave you.” Opening this spiral of negativity is difficult, but possible. All that such a woman needs is to gradually become more condescending to herself, at least 1% per day.
Relationship coach Sherlin Chong recalls her client, who never had time for a session. She could not allocate a free hour, because she was always busy – something to do, then important meetings, then charity events. “After another excuse, I doubted that she really wants to establish a personal life.”
According to the expert, such cases are repeated regularly: such women are often simply not able to relax. During the sessions they are nervous, impatiently straighten their hair, smoke cigarette after cigarette. It seems to them that time is wasting. One gets the impression that their idleness will certainly lead to a catastrophe of universal proportions.
Purposeful women live in constant combat readiness. They have learned: in order to succeed, you must constantly make efforts. Not surprisingly, the same logic carries over into a romantic relationship.
Unfortunately, that is why they are so often attracted to toxic partners: life experience has taught that you can achieve the result only through hard work. They are investing more and more in relationships, despite the fact that returns are not visible.
A woman does not want to get rid of this anxiety, but, on the contrary, sinks deeper into it, because this is a long-familiar condition
For an active and active nature, the state of rest is unbearable. It would be nice for them to do yoga, but yoga does not suit them. In essence, nothing suits them. Their style is to race at full speed. In fact, they are fleeing from despair, a burden of great responsibility is pressing on them, but to stop and take a break is even worse.
Many of them do not realize that work at the limit of possibilities takes the form of masochism. Successful women use it as a kind of punishment to cause anxiety in themselves.
Very often, the roots of this behavior are found in early childhood: for example, the father left the family when the girl was five years old, and she decided that this happened because of her. A young, fragile mind is very susceptible to such traumatic events.
If the injury has not been worked out, whenever a woman lets someone in, an image of the departing father pops up in her memory. This is called separate anxiety and makes you think that the next partner will leave her too, no matter how much he swears otherwise. Paradoxically, she does not want to get rid of this anxiety, but, on the contrary, plunges into it deeper and deeper, because this is a long-known and understandable state.
During the coaching sessions, the same phenomenon is observed every time: the client agrees to abandon negative beliefs and consolidate new ones, but her body “turns on” the chemical reaction that throws her back. The body and brain are tuned to a setup that has been inside for twenty years, and are programmed to fear.
Successful women with separate anxiety all the time live in anticipation of the storm. They not only exhaust themselves with work, but also feel considerable relief, filled with negative emotions.
You can free yourself from the trap of negative attitudes. A conscious choice decides everything: stop scolding yourself
When they are too happy, do not feel guilt, sadness and other negative feelings, the brain and body are indignant. The body literally demands to restore the set of chemical elements laid down in it many years ago.
Thus, an unusual sense of peace is eliminated by self-flagellation: “you are a jerk, a loser, he will abandon you anyway” and so on.
Nevertheless, one can free oneself from the trap of negative attitudes. Everything is decided by a conscious choice: stop scolding yourself and learn how to transform thinking. Although it is very difficult to refuse that your whole life has been a part of you.
That is why it is so important to convince the client every day to become at least 1% more indulgent to herself. Imagine your internal state as a flower that gradually grows around the weeds surrounding it. It is getting taller, and the sun shines on it brighter. This is the cumulative effect.
“Working with such women is a huge responsibility. Often you have to be tough, but fair, Chong admits. – It has happened more than once to warn that we will part if she does not do what I say.
My task is to convey that from time to time it is necessary to stop and take a breath, otherwise no one will help them, and this becomes their motivation. But by and large, no one can be forced to take care of themselves. ”
In fact, this is the same work with a personal trainer who directs and corrects actions, but the skills are fixed on their own. You can detect trauma and track it until adulthood, but the rest depends on the person himself.