Why men do not ask for help and how it turns
Man and woman
In a difficult situation – in particular, during a divorce – men prefer to “remain men” and refuse to help. “This may be due to the fact that during stress, the male brain is not as active as the female one, it slows down the production of the pleasure hormone, oxytocin,” says Fallan Jacob, a psychologist. – It turns out that women are more inclined to deal with a stressful state, but for men, the brain signals that the situation, although difficult, is still bearable. This “hormonal deception” is too expensive for both men and their loved ones. “
Despite the social changes in society, many members of the stronger sex are not ready to admit that they can be hurt, lonely and even scared – these qualities still do not fit with ideas about masculinity. Such attitudes do not leave the opportunity to openly express their feelings, and when divorced, to go through all the stages of grief, which men need as much as women.
Men are deprived of support. They rarely turn to a psychologist and are not ready to talk about what happened with their friends and relatives. And since it is difficult to cope with feelings alone, they often begin to deny what is happening, convincing themselves and others that everything is in order with them. The depreciation of their experiences drives into a new trap, which over time only enhances the state of depression.
What are the consequences of men trying to cope with everything alone?
Health is getting worse
The state of latent stress undermines the body. Chronic diseases are exacerbated and new ones appear. Increasing depression begins to affect work, relationships with friends and colleagues.
Self-confidence is lost
Since work and achievements directly affect the self-identification of men, the feeling of their own inefficiency “de-energizes” them. Self-confidence and desire to move forward are lost.
Relationships with children suffer
“It’s hard to constantly walk in a mask of“ all is well, ”because the children are sensitive to reading the falsity,” recalls Fallan Jacob. – A young child can still be occupied and distracted by games, but if the divorce occurred in adolescence, the children will need a sincere conversation with their father. And often he is not able to build this dialogue, since he himself is in a weakened emotional state and needs help. ”
Sometimes growing depression is also an indirect reason that fathers after a divorce refuse to regularly meet with children.
“Trying to recover from depression in a new relationship, men are even more confused about their lives.”
Natalya Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
After a divorce, it is important for men who often deny the very idea of external support, to assert themselves and to feel better. And one of the fastest ways is to make new relationships.
A brief reference: there are four hormones that act on the brain and are responsible for the feeling of happiness: oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphin. For women, oxytocin is the most natural way to have fun and effectively reduce stress. To get it, often hugs and a sense of community are enough. Men tend to seek pleasure in the achievements for which dopamine is responsible. And a new friend, and often not one, contributes to this. However, the sensations become dull, and stress does not decrease.
At the same time, a woman is often intentionally chosen younger, and even one that meets the accepted standards of beauty – this increases the production of serotonin, which is directly related to a sense of growing status and self-respect. Symbolically, a man is trying to show his surroundings how much he can afford.
It is necessary to survive, burn out and rethink the separation, to take out from it new experience and knowledge of yourself
However, a crowd of admiring observers thins over time. Here he should be supported by endorphin, aggravated by rampant sex. But even these emotions come to naught over time. Gradually, the celebration of life gives way to burnout. New relationships do not help if a man tries to cure depression with their help. It is necessary to survive, burn out and rethink the separation, to take out from it new experience and knowledge of yourself.
How can one help a person in this situation? Lead to a psychologist. A man is scared to look weak, but without help he is at an impasse. The need for support is increasing, and it’s becoming more difficult to open up and less and less to cope. The greatest trust, of course, is the authoritative man who himself went to the psychologist and this helped him.
About the expert
Natalya Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her.
Good divorce rules
We are used to thinking that divorce is a terrible, tragic event. But it often happens that this is a sure way to become happy separately from each other.
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