Why is it important to leave your parents on time
Man among people
Is distance a guarantee of strong and warm relations with parents? Or, just continuing to live under one ceiling, we remain a family? Or maybe the whole thing is what kind of relationship we have from the beginning? There are many cases when matured children continue to live with their parents and feel absolutely comfortable.
“My mom and I are very well together,” says 29-year-old Natalya. “She is my best friend, I can always share with her, get advice and comfort.” I am often asked why I do not live separately, but I do not understand why. I’m not at all opposed to building my own family one day, but first I want to meet a loved one. ”
“It is indicative that the girl justifies her unwillingness to leave her parental nest by not finding her half,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – This is the most common explanation used by adult children living with their parents. Many in words dream of meeting a loved one who is often portrayed as an ideal prince / princess, which is obviously unattainable. They don’t understand that while they live under parental shelter, it’s more difficult for them to build their own family. ”
If the family is complete, children may be the only link
What bonuses do older children receive? There is no need to pay, cook, clean anything, and, most importantly, you can live with the illusions that they already have a family. “This infantile position gives an unconscious feeling that a person is not growing up, which means he will not grow old and will never die,” the psychologist explains. “Living with our parents, we seem to remain forever young.”
The situation persists only if both sides are not ready to cut the umbilical cord. The parent also feels necessary, loved. A single mother acquires the illusion of a personal life in her son. In the daughter, the mother sees a close friend and psychologist with whom you can speak frankly. Often mothers try to influence the decisions of children on important issues, thereby obtaining not only an imaginary sense of control over a rapidly changing life, but also a feeling that the child is still small and inexperienced, which means that they are young.
If the family is complete, children may be the only link. The child’s departure from home makes the spouses understand that they have long become strangers to each other. “Another scenario is possible when it is the mother who holds the adult child,” Marina Meaus shares. – A son or daughter has always been a symbolic guarantee in the family that the husband will not leave, obeying the pattern that arose after the birth of the child: a woman with a baby cannot be abandoned. Leaving home a long-growing child, she unconsciously tries to keep a man by her side. ”
How does this threaten children and parents?
A son or daughter who is “stuck” under her mother’s guardianship often develops helpless, infantile behavior. Such a person begins to be afraid of life and, obscured by the figure of the parent, is surrounded by phobias. It’s scary to find a new job, make money, build relationships with a partner …
“Dependencies can form: a person feels like a teenager and makes excuses that drugs or games are just innocent fun,” explains Marina Meaus. “The longer he lives with his parents, the more difficult it is to change something in life.”
Daughters mom can replace the whole world. As a result, the young woman does not develop the skill of social connections: there is no circle of close friends and useful acquaintances. The world comes down only to the figure of the mother, and a full, eventful life passes by. However, this state of affairs does not bode well for a parent, usually a mother. She also ceases to live her own life: build a career, make new friends, travel. If she is single, it becomes difficult for her to find a new partner.
How to change this?
“It was convenient for me to live with my mother,” 26-year-old Artem admits. – There was no need to think about ironed shirts, dinner was always waiting at home. However, I had already left my student age, and constant control, including of my personal life, began to weigh. Mom was categorically against me renting a house. When I tried to convince that it would be better for our relationship, if I start living separately, tears began. I could not decide for a long time and when I finally confronted her with a fact, she had a heart attack. Now I’m feeling guilty. ”
“The son has matured, he needs his own life. It takes time for mom to accept this, the psychologist believes. – Psychosomatic illnesses often begin to return a “negligent” child to the family. Only children can change this situation. The parent is likely to be pressured. You will be convinced that it’s more convenient and economical to live together. If you find it difficult to immediately decide to move, you can rent a house and live separately from your mother a couple of days a week, getting used to independence.
The main thing is to start building your life separately, even if at first you will be lonely and uncomfortable. Gradually you will feel more and more confident. This will help the parent make your decision and begin to get used to new forms of relationships. ”
Separation: painful but necessary
Symbiosis with the mother is just as important for the baby as the way out of it is for the teenage girl and adult woman.
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