Why doesn’t he want to get married?
Man and woman
Close relations imply a full exchange of important resources, which at some point leads to dependence on each other. Psychologically healthy dependence of two loving people is a necessary condition for rapprochement. It consists of several factors:
- Satisfaction: “We receive the support necessary for our spiritual well-being.”
- Contribution: “We have already invested a lot in this relationship.”
- Alternative: “He (she) suits me better than others.”
One of the studies, during which psychologists watched couples for seven months, showed that the emotional connection was strengthened in the case of an increase in the indicators of “satisfaction” and “contribution”, but at the same time, a decrease in the “alternative”. Those whose relations were broken showed a decrease in the first two factors, but a significant increase in the “alternative”, that is, the ability to satisfy their needs with another person.
Subsequent studies have shown that a feeling of closeness to a partner can persist even with a relatively low level of satisfaction, if we have no other alternatives and we have already invested a lot in the relationship.
Scientists also interviewed women who have experienced domestic violence. Those who did not receive enough warmth and support (satisfaction), but said that they were connected by common children and memories (contribution), admitted that they still felt intimacy. The desire to return also dominated those who did not receive outside support and did not believe that without a husband their life could improve.
Why do we avoid close relationships?
Gaining financial independence allowed women to be much less dependent on men.
“This, on the one hand, turned out to be a positive factor, freeing women from the need to enter into relationships that do not bring joy,” says personality psychologist Jeremy Nicholson. “On the other hand, the desire for autonomy negatively affected the motivation for rapprochement and the inevitable emotional dependence on men, without which healthy, trusting relationships are impossible.”
It was also not easy for men to accept this challenge of time. A divorce, which from now on became a solution to problems for women if they were no longer married, threatens men with unprofitable consequences: the need to pay child support, making it impossible to live with children.
“Thus, in the eyes of some men, deep rapprochement risks causing significant difficulties, while offering too modest benefits,” says Jeremy Nicholson. “After all, caring for a husband and children has ceased to be the only important goal for a woman.”
“Independent partnerships in which we strive to protect ourselves from mental trauma in advance by restricting access to another in our lives can bring certain social benefits,” says cognitive psychologist Alena Matvienko. – However, this also negatively affects our deep-seated need for emotional closeness and trust. When both partners generously give each other spiritual strength, the feeling of deep connection, bringing mutual joy and inner stability, becomes a reward. ”
How do we get closer?
Find someone who is ready for a relationship
You can knock on the closed door endlessly, but even if it finally swings open, we may not be pleased to meet someone whom we so stubbornly sought.
If a person does not share what you are ready to offer, and his needs do not overlap with yours at the moment – for example, he prefers to build a career or maintain a romantic relationship with several people – then all your attempts to get closer to him are doomed to failure.
Therefore, an important condition for close relations is a meeting with a person who is potentially ready for them.
Do not be afraid to give
It is important to understand what exactly the partner expects and to create an interchange space in which both will be easy and free. Feel free to talk more often about those qualities of a loved one that are especially dear to you. It may be his ability to listen to you, make you laugh, or make you a cup of your favorite tea. Do not hide from your partner everything that is so dear to you in him: a look, touches, hugs that feel special with this person.
Let him know – his physical presence in your life makes you happy. Try to give your partner exactly what he needs at the moment: words that increase his self-confidence, willingness to share his new interests or just short messages that remind you that you are nearby and think about him.
Do not be afraid to take
As the English proverb says, “Two always dance tango,” so don’t resist your partner’s desire to give. Sometimes we are overwhelmed by the feeling that excessive care deprives us of independence. However, it is the expended emotional and stifled forces that bring together. Be open to everything your partner is willing to share with you.