“Why do I need all this?” or How false attitudes prevent us


If you think about it, there is always something good in life, something that makes you smile. What we can feel grateful for. But sometimes something bad does not let go for a long time and makes you feel trapped. What to do?

Crisis psychologists recommend changing your perspective and wording.

Attitudes from childhood

It often turns out that we are at an impasse not so much because of life circumstances, but because of internal attitudes. And, as a rule, they were not invented by us, but “installed” in the head in the distant past. These are the so-called introjects, that is, the rules established by society, family, events that impressed us, books and films.

They can sit so deep that we don’t question them. But by bringing attitudes to the level of awareness and critically examining them, we can break the deadlock.

  • “Dad’s brother is flirting with me, but this is a family, I have to endure.” True?
  • “The son does not study with only A’s, and my child should only be an excellent student.” Exactly?
  • “My mother has always mistreated me, but I have to love her.” Sure?

Such concepts destroy, make you doubt the correctness of the choice, experience helplessness, or consider your life as a failure.

Troubles happen

Almost everyone has another inner fundamental attitude that enhances the drama of any difficult situation. It’s like we are waiting for life to suddenly become perfect. An ideal society where everyone is good and satisfying. An ideal family in which no one quarrels, an ideal partner without flaws, who meets all our needs. Perfect body without cellulite. An ideal world without pandemics and disease, hunger and enmity.

But this is impossible even in a fairy tale. Because the happy ending is the end, not the beginning of the story. And in order to have something to tell, write and shoot a film, you need conflict and obstacles. Buddhists long ago formulated a simple truth: there is suffering. Problems are an integral part of life, no matter how much we dream of heaven on earth. It can be said more simply: anything can happen. The question is how to relate to this.

In Russian, two words can be applied to such a situation, and their semantics determines a lot. The word “resign” has something of the position of the victim – helplessness, stooped shoulders under the yoke of suffering, drooping corners of the mouth, hopelessness.

But “to accept” is already a volitional act. There is always a choice – to spend resources on indignation or to accept, agree and solve the problem. Straighten your shoulders, stop sacrificing yourself. Face the facts and accept the circumstances soberly without ignoring your dissatisfaction with them.

There is an exit!

Gestalt therapists talk about a paradoxical theory of change that grew out of the work of Fritz Perls. Psychiatrist Arnold Beiser put it this way: change occurs when a person becomes who he really is, and not when he tries to be someone else.

Transferring this theory to life, you can say this: sometimes the work to stop hating your life and get out of the impasse begins with the recognition of facts, reality. And the next step is to rethink the interfering attitudes.

Psychotherapist Eric Meisel calls introject change work creating our own philosophy of life that makes sense to us and helps us solve problems. We cannot entrust this task to anyone else or buy a “package offer”. Fully becoming the creator of his life, everyone is able to rethink attitudes, define a system of values ​​and create their own philosophy. And then there will be freedom of choice.

For example, set boundaries, negotiate rules, or even stop communicating with a toxic mother. Accept as a fact that the child is not perfect, admit to yourself that they themselves were not like that at his age, accept him with love as he is. Saying no to an abuser relative, discussing a problem with your family, or breaking contact.

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