Narcissists are always punished for breaking the rules. They may scold or ignore. For a while, push away from yourself or just show constant dissatisfaction and try to manipulate to cause a feeling of guilt for breaking the “rules”.
There can be many options for “punishment”, but they are all very unpleasant. Therefore, we try to “guess” these rules in advance so as not to break them and not upset a loved one. As a result, we “walk on tiptoe” in communication with him. This behavior can lead to anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are many examples of the “rules” that narcissists make. For example, your partner is unhappy that you dress too provocatively or, conversely, too modest. He or she gets scolded for sweatpants or flip-flops, or anything else, such as blue clothes.
A narcissistic partner can even control your diet, for example, judgmental asks, “Why are you eating this?” He may not like the way we walk, talk, allocate time. He wants to control our entire life to the smallest detail.
“I have heard many stories from clients about the different rules that narcissists set for loved ones. Do not go without shoes, do not wipe your wet hands on your pants. Don’t text me, just call. Don’t eat sugar, eat a slice of cake. You should never be the first to visit. You should never be late. Always come 5 minutes early. Never take a credit card, only a debit card. Always take only a credit card, ”says psychotherapist Shari Stines.
Oddly enough, narcissists are predictable in their waywardness and fickleness. Certain patterns are repeated in the behavior of each of them. One of these patterns is the unpredictability of rules that change all the time. The changes have specific reasons.
One of them is that narcissists consider themselves superior to others and are confident that they know “how to” better than we do. That is why they think they have the right to set rules for others. Only a very narcissistic person thinks that everyone around should obey his arbitrary demands.
The second reason is that the narcissist needs to make the victim (partner, child, colleague) a “bad” person. From the narcissist’s point of view, we become “bad” by breaking his rules. He needs to feel like a victim, and he is sure that he has every right to punish us. These feelings are very typical of narcissists.
Why does one adult tell another what to wear, what to eat, how to drive a car? This is possible only if he believes that he has the right to decide what will be best.
“If someone close to you is a narcissist and you are desperate to please him so as not to provoke a conflict, I can give only one piece of advice: stop. Set your own rules and follow them. Let this person make scandals, fall into a rage, try to manipulate you. This is his business. Take back power over your own life and do not succumb to attempts at manipulation, ”- sums up Shari Steines.