What and how to talk about on a first date?
Man and woman
1. Talk about travel, not movies
English psychologist Richard Wiseman conducted a study. It turned out that of the couples who discussed the films on their first date, only less than 9% wanted to meet again. But of those who spoke about travel, 18% continued to meet. The reason, perhaps, is that travel for us is associated with a carefree vacation time, with the embodiment of romantic dreams. Talking about these exciting moments, we are inspired … and become more attractive.
2. The main thing is not to talk about, but how
The secret of communication, assure American social psychologists Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick, of avoiding extremes. Do not try to dominate, but do not be passive. Take the “feed”, slightly change the direction of the conversation and give the “pass” back. Respond to his (her) answers warmly and with sincere interest. This combination – the adoption of another and unobtrusive adjustment of the topic – will ensure an even flow of conversation.
3. Be honest
On the first date, many are shy or afraid to talk about themselves. And in vain. Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook University in New York who studies the mechanism of forming romantic relationships, experimentally proved that you can quickly accelerate the process of internal rapprochement at the first meeting of the couple.
When arranging a meeting, you can agree in advance which topics you’ll be interested in discussing.
Aron made a long list of questions that the participants in the experiment had to read aloud to each other and answer them in turn. For example: “Would you like to become famous? In what area? ”,“ Have you had any old dream? Why didn’t it come true? ”,“ What is your greatest achievement? ”,“ Your most precious / most terrible memory? ”.
The effect of “frankness games” turned out to be amazing: literally in an hour of communication, previously unfamiliar people began to feel like soul mates.
According to Aron, between them there was such a level of confidence that ordinary couples sometimes do not reach in weeks, months, or even years.
4. Better contentious topics than boring ones.
If you can’t get in touch, get in the mood and start a conversation … at least about abortion. Dan Arieli, a specialist in behavioral economics and the author of several bestsellers (familiar to Russian readers), notes that on a first date, people usually balance, solving two problems at once. They want to show themselves and to carefully find out something about their vis-a-vis so as not to hurt him (her). Therefore, for safety reasons, they choose some safe topic of conversation, avoiding risky ones, and as a result they may seem boring to the interlocutor (interlocutor).
But what if we make the first conversation more piquant, clinging to the living? Asking this question, Ariely conducted an experiment.
He suggested that dating site visitors completely eliminate neutral topics from the correspondence, such as weather, hobbies, football championships or work, and start an absentee meeting with “immodest” questions such as: “How many novels did you have?”, “When did you break up with your last partner?” , “Have you broken someone’s heart?”, “How do you feel about abortion?” As a result, the participants admitted that the correspondence was really exciting for them.
Of course, for real life this is a little too much, Arieli admits. But he still recommends avoiding too banal and therefore boring topics. Why not approach the first date outside the box? For example, when arranging a meeting, you can agree in advance which topics that are of interest to both of you, you will discuss. Or, conversely, make a list of prohibited topics. Be that as it may, the main thing is to risk getting out of the comfort zone, and you will benefit, says Arieli.
5. Talk – and only?
How to understand whether it is possible to count on sex in the first meeting? According to the American dating site OKCupid, for this you need to ask a person an elementary verification question: “Do you like beer?” Regardless of their gender and orientation, the willingness of beer lovers to have sex at their first meeting is 60% higher than those who don’t share love for this drink.
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