“We are waiting for change”: what is behind our desire for something different

KNOW YOURSELF


It so happens that the need for change is really ripe. And behind the thirst to change everything is something more than anxiety and a desire to escape from responsibility and accumulated mistakes: it is possible that our true “I” gives voice.

28-year-old Maria worked at a local TV channel and was living with a young man when it suddenly occurred to her: she wants to make music! In her hometown, there were no prospects for such activities. “My friend thought the idea was crazy, and I didn’t want to give it up,” she recalls, “so I left alone. I confess that later I regretted my decision more than once, but decided not to return. Now I am a bass player in a small band … “.

Is it a whim or a serious choice?

Follow destiny

You need to follow your destiny, psychoanalyst Juliette Allais is sure: “Lacan called this special impulse that makes us alive, desire. It leads us to the road that is ours. ” Our vocation is at the very heart of life energy, joy, motivation. It is like an inner light that makes us shine, shine in the chosen area. “When we move away from him, we kind of go out,” continues the psychoanalyst. “I would advise you to consider this lack of appetite for life.”

There are families in which the concept of vocation is appreciated and encouraged. And others, where “people don’t do that”, “it’s not serious”, “it’s impossible.” Demonstration of family loyalty sometimes blocks our path to ourselves. But distance from one’s own uniqueness can lead to depression.

“We should listen to what is trying to bring us back to ourselves: a feeling of general unhappiness, meetings that are perceived as signs, a feeling when it hurts in the heart, if we see a joyful person or read a book that awakens an incomprehensible nostalgia. Following your calling isn’t always comfortable. But if we turn our backs on him, we can pay dearly for it, ”concludes Juliette Allais.

Where to run?

Family psychologist Svetlana Loseva shares a story: a woman who dreamed of a new love came to her for a consultation.

– I want to go to America, get married, have children and live by the ocean.

– And on the shore of which ocean do you want to live? – the psychologist clarified.

– I did not get that…

– America is washed by two oceans. Where do you see your family life?

– Yes? – the client who dreamed of America was surprised. – I didn’t think so deeply.

Later it turned out that behind the dream of love and the ocean was a desire to leave her parental home at any cost, where she was uncomfortable. There are many such stories. Svetlana Loseva explains: in an attempt to change their lives, many are guided not by the desire for new horizons, but by the desire to escape.

We can expect displeasure and even condemnation of former acquaintances, accustomed to seeing us in the old role.

“They run from dissatisfaction with life, from the total control of their parents, from living conditions, from a usurper husband, from a hysterical wife … At the same time, the clients themselves may think that they are running towards something: a higher salary, better living conditions, new love … But often they are not ready for the inevitable difficulties that will have to be overcome, creating new conditions and environment for themselves. “

In addition to material and everyday challenges, we can expect displeasure and even condemnation of former acquaintances, who are used to seeing us in the old role.

Svetlana Loseva talks about a seminar that took place at the medical academy: “We psychologists talked with students, and nine out of ten said that we were studying to be a doctor because our parents wanted it that way. That is, young people do the will of mom and dad, and not their own, study, because they pay a lot of money and they feel sorry for both parents and money. For the time being. And rethinking life can manifest itself as a rebellion, ”the family psychologist notes.

Find resource

The conflict between what others want us to be and what we – consciously or unconsciously – would like for ourselves, creates tension. Having broken through, it can be expressed in the desire to destroy everything habitual “to the ground.”

“By wanting to change a situation that causes discomfort, we often endanger the whole of the usual way of life. Whereas a more attentive attitude to our feelings would help us not to reach the boiling point and make changes in specific directions, ”says Svetlana Loseva. True, the changes themselves and their scale do not always depend on us …

Irina was 48 years old when her husband left her. The shock was so strong that she decided to drastically change her life. “I was simply unable to go to work. Alimony for two teenagers allowed him to hold on. And I, so as not to cry all day, began to make woolen hares, the same sad and lonely as me. Six months later, a lot of them accumulated, I put up their “portraits” in social networks, and, to my surprise, there were buyers for them, ”recalls Irina.

Today she is 52, and we can already say that she has succeeded: to switch from five-day work to homework, spend much more time with the children and realize herself in her hobby, which now does not take time, but brings money. On the other hand, her income fell by half. However, Irina does not regret it.

Sooner or later

It is believed that it is common for a young person to look for “where is better”, but at a more respectable age it is worthwhile to calm down, not to make sudden movements. There is logic in this: the more acquired, the more we risk losing.

“Grandmother Lena” is widely known in Runet – Elena Erkhova from Krasnoyarsk. All her life she dreamed of seeing the world, but she worked a lot and did not have time to travel. And yet she fulfilled her dream – at the age of 85, “grandmother Lena” went to see the world. Soon she became famous: her posts on Instagram received thousands of “likes”, she was invited to a TV show. She visited many countries, including the Dominican Republic, Italy, Israel, Thailand, Vietnam.

Grandmother Lena recently passed away at the age of 91, but the last few years of her life have been delightful and fulfilling.

You can follow a dream even at 85, but then there will be too little left for real life.

So it’s never too late to find yourself. “Meeting with our real desires, following the call of the heart can be associated with the fact that we are aware of the finiteness of life and decide to do what we always wanted, even if not completely ready,” says psychologist-consultant Anna Milova. – Finiteness, mortality is one of the existential given, an integral part of human being in the world. While we are young, it may seem that we have an ocean of time ahead, and in order to start something new, it takes a lot of courage and encounters with our own imperfection, strength – to take responsibility, including for possible failures.

When we realize that we are finite (for example, by meeting our own aging or going through the loss of loved ones), there is a determination to fulfill our true desires, and not wait for the right hour. Because if you wait, you can never wait, the best moment and ideal conditions may never come. “

Hearing the call of our hearts, we do not get rid of fear (for example, will we succeed in our plans), but we still take risks and follow our dreams, because if we do not do it now, then we may never make up our minds.

And yet, it is probably better not to wait for a pension to fulfill your wishes. If we really always dreamed of changing the profession of an accountant to felting rabbits from wool, perhaps we should not delay this and wait for crises that will push us to a radical change of profession. You can follow your dream even at 85, but then there will be too little left for real life. And if you start right now?

Change: safety

Starting life over is attractive. But how to maintain control, not to get lost when emotions surged and insistently demand changes? Gestalt therapist Ashe Garrido shared “safety precautions.”

You need to allow yourself to accept and stay in temporary uncertainty, while at the same time providing yourself with sufficient comfort. Any crisis is a situation when old methods do not work, and new ones have not yet been discovered. This is a highly uncertain situation. It is very difficult to transfer it.

“Worse not – wait and catch up” – just about that. The brain always tries to “complete the figure”, to complete the incomprehensible to the understandable, with which it is known how to communicate. And often, when we find ourselves in such a situation, we experience tension and try to relieve it – to do at least something to add clarity. Anything, even wrong, leading to trouble, but ending uncertainty.

In fact, it is worth acting counterintuitively. Don’t deal with uncertainty, but let it be. Observe yourself, watch carefully and listen to what is happening inside. Provide yourself with comfort: adequate sleep, walks, enjoyable activities. Remind yourself that anxiety is natural now, not a signal that everything is gone. These are simply the attempts of the brain to navigate in new, changed conditions.

Our brain is a tireless worker, it looks for new ways, processes a lot of information from the inside and outside. And he will find a way out, the main thing is not to drive the horses. Attention to yourself and the world around you, a warm attitude towards yourself, patience, warmth and tenderness give a large amount of internal resources and help to notice external resources.

You can try new activities, like new dishes when there are a lot of them on the table. Slightly, slowly, listening to the sensations. In the end, you will want to return to something again and again, meanings that were simply inaccessible before will be revealed. Everything will happen in due time and as it should.

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