Thunderstorm school: what to do if your child mocks other children
At the word “bullying,” each parent is worried: does anyone offend his child. We tend to idealize our own children, and therefore we rarely think that a son or daughter may not be a victim, but an aggressor. However, as family therapist Jennifer Cannon observes, “every child is able to participate in a bullying, even if he looks like an angel.”
Why do children choose bullying?
A bully who does not give rest to classmates is unlikely to cause sympathy. But when your own child is involved in bullying, we may have conflicting feelings. Of course, such behavior cannot be ignored, but before proceeding to specific actions, it is useful to find out what is the cause of aggression. What problems does the child try to solve in this way? What happens in the soul of a teenager who has chosen the role of aggressor?
Family therapist Ronald Mach points out two reasons why a child can engage in bullying: “First, children who are successful among peers use bullying as a way to maintain the faith of others in their strength and influence. Secondly, those who have once faced injustice and now consider themselves entitled to oppress others are often engaged in bullying. ”
Canadian psychologist Gordon Neufeld believes that when studying bullying in a children’s team, we often attach excessive importance to behavioral manifestations, losing sight of the root of the problem: “Aggression towards peers is closely related to attachment disorders. If a child feels vulnerable, this leads to a desire to dominate others. He exploits their weakness, which is the essence of bullying. “
The need for a close, safe relationship is one of the basic requirements for a child. Therefore, if he lacks the support and acceptance of his parents, it is difficult for him to build healthy relationships with his peers.
“I saw children who felt invisible at home while at home they were engaged in bullying,” says psychologist and teacher Gail Gross. – A child needs the love and respect of adults, especially parents. And if he does not get this at home, he does not feel significant and becomes vulnerable. “These feelings turn into anger and resentment, which he then displaces on classmates.”
How to react to parents?
According to Neufeld, it is important that there is a caring and understanding adult next to the child, who will help him to realize his feelings, treat him with acceptance, and show another example of relationships. If such an adult is absent, the adolescent will inevitably seek understanding and support among peers with similar aggressive impulses.
Gail Macklem, author of Bullying and Teasing, Social Power in Children’s Groups, recommends that you first understand what causes your child to be involved in bullying. Perhaps it is difficult for him to cope with a fit of anger, or he is trying to win the recognition of classmates, which means that in fact he lacks confidence.
Help your son or daughter see their own worth, no matter what their peers think. Macklem advises to explain to the child that he always has a choice how to behave with others. Offer to reflect on how he would have felt if he had been bullied. Developing emotional intelligence and empathy skills is the most effective way to prevent future aggressive behavior.
Even if a teenager has long been a cut above your head, he is still a child and needs help and love. Our task is to teach him to cope with his own feelings, to show that relations are possible without violence and aggression. In addition, this is an occasion to ask ourselves: what do we do when we are filled with anger or resentment, what words would help us in a difficult moment. To share our own experience, to admit that we tend to be annoyed or angry, can be much more effective than edification and moralizing.
Dima Zitser: “Harassment in school begins with the words“ everyone should ”
Bullying, or bullying, is by no means a rare occurrence in a childish environment. The answer is adults – parents and teachers, says teacher Dima Zitser and explains what to do if bullying at school does happen.
Are we free to choose?
Yes, the philosopher Robert Mizrahi answers, as we are always responsible for decisions we make or … don’t make. Not quite, says psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan, because our unconscious directs and sometimes pushes us.