What games do we play
People live in a system of unconscious play, smoothly flowing from one role to another. This process can end only if the person becomes aware of what is happening.
“Let’s look at the example of relationships. A woman starts dating a man, but by this moment she psychologically has not left the state of a little girl, says psychologist Anna Avdeeva. – Not having received enough parental love, he builds relationships in such a way as to compensate for this lack. A man can smoothly integrate into the script and play the role of a father. The result is not partnership, but parent-child relationships. “
A man, wanting to dominate and feel power, acts as an adult. Relationships “hang” at one stage of development. Partners should develop and grow together, set common goals and go towards them. In a relationship where one plays the role of a child and the other as a parent, development is out of the question. Their life together is built on the foundation of emotions: the child was offended, the adult felt sorry for him, and so on. Therefore, this relationship is not healthy.
The main feature of a person who takes the position of a victim is the unwillingness to take responsibility for their actions.
We are often not honest with ourselves: when communicating with people, we wear certain masks. For example, to satisfy an internal need for something.
“In the process of communication, we always experience emotions“ for ourselves, ”although we present these experiences as a desire to help others. For example, a friend comes to me, complains about life, work, children. I listen to her and sympathize. Do I want to help a friend or am I just playing the role of a savior in order to get a response – love, gratitude or something else that I lacked as a child? “
The roles of savior and victim are among the most popular in society. The main trait of a person who takes the position of a victim is the unwillingness to take responsibility for actions. The victim constantly seeks pity and sympathy and sometimes provokes the aggression of others herself in order to be able to manipulate them.
In turn, the one who puts on the mask of the savior feels needed, feels content. A person who is accustomed to always saving everyone, constantly finds an object for himself to protect.
Why do we do this
“Behind these masks are childhood experiences – the need for acceptance and love,” comments Anna Avdeeva. – In such games, people often rush to help others: they lend money, listen to stories about problems, take on someone else’s responsibility. But trying to be good to others is not always recognized and fulfilled. This leads to a crisis, enthusiasm and strength are lost. This can throw the Savior to the other side, and he unconsciously turns into a victim. “
Family attitudes in a certain way affect what roles a person chooses for himself. He becomes like his parents, lives their life, repeats their experience. Sometimes people deliberately choose the same path as their parents, as if bringing them back into their lives.
Someone tries to get away from the imposed parental rules, but by coincidence they find themselves in similar situations. For example, in families where parents oppressed with authority and overprotected, children often build codependent relationships in their families, in which they play according to the rules set by their parents.
How to quit the game
To get out of the game and take off your masks, it is important to understand what kind of game you are playing and why. Awareness begins with the understanding that repetitive situations, events occur in life, and similar people meet. It is as if the same scenario is going on in a circle. As soon as we have realized it, it is useful to observe: what emotion becomes the leading one in life, what inner pain guides actions, moods, words? Having discovered these emotions, they need to be neutralized.
“Often behind the masks there are emotional experiences that we keep and cannot let go. Liberation from the roles imposed by the parents is possible only when a person begins an independent life, becomes capable of realizing the present, and is responsible for his actions. And at the same time he understands what exactly from his parental heritage he wants to preserve ”.
Even if a person likes his role and he receives benefits and pleasure from acting out it, it is necessary to understand that this does not make him mentally and emotionally healthy. Eternal play is exhausting and energy-consuming. And this energy can be directed to development and improvement.
Predator, rapist, aggressor … As soon as they do not call this role from the famous Karpman’s Dramatic Triangle. However, in Russia the original concept was so paraphrased that now it may not help, but, on the contrary, harm.
From the outside it seems that you have a wonderful job, a wonderful family and everything is perfect. But in the morning you can hardly get out of bed, because you do not know why to start a new day. At lunchtime, you actively criticize someone’s bad behavior, and in the evening you are so exhausted that you climb into the refrigerator again, although you promised yourself not to eat for the night. This is a dead center from which it is difficult to move if you do not know how.