The quiet relationship killer and two ways to beat him


“Do you remember how it all started”

It all starts with a glimpse of mutual interest. You both notice him. From this spark, a flame of passion soon flares up. It’s no longer possible to resist mutual attraction, and so on Friday night you go on a date. Friday flows smoothly into Monday. You are dizzy with happiness, and when you are apart for just a few hours, you both lose the ability to function normally. All thoughts are about the moment when you can again embrace each other and merge in a kiss.

The job begins to suffer, the boss worries about meeting the deadline, but you don’t care. I can’t concentrate. You spend maximum time with each other, listening to endless stories about a colleague from the accounting department, and it seems that you have never heard anything funnier in your life. Week follows week. It feels like these happy days will never end. This is her, you tell yourself. – This is Love”.

And then the passion suddenly begins to fade away – just like love for that song that has been listened to too often. Yes, you are still close, but something is irrevocably gone. At first, you could not tear yourself away from each other and did not get out of bed for the whole weekend. Now you can not always remember when the last time you had sex – yesterday? The day before yesterday? Last week?

Her majesty routine

You spend Friday night together and have sex after dinner and a movie. Meet friends on Saturdays, for example, at Zoom. On Sundays, you clean up and cook dinner together. Monday and Tuesday are TV show time. And so on and so forth. You know exactly what you will do on any given day. It’s so convenient, so predictable, but predictability is what creates boredom. In the evenings, you ask each other about how the day went, but not because it’s really interesting – it’s just the way it should be. It’s not that you don’t care at all, it’s just that the answers don’t change much from evening to evening.

On Friday, after a hearty dinner, there is no time for lovemaking, and Thursday evening becomes “sex time”. To reignite the flame of passion from the embers, you are planning a vacation. And everything seems to be working out. But then you go home to the old schedule. A week passes – and there was no vacation at all. Comes Thursday – “sex night”. But neither you nor your partner feel aroused. Both silently undress and climb under the covers: “Well, come on?” It is no longer lovemaking, no sex – it is a weekly duty, a conjugal duty.

The quiet relationship killer and two ways to beat him

“And how did we get to this point?”

Remember your once favorite song? At first it bored you, but that’s not all. One day, she starts to annoy. There is no longer any way to listen to it.

At dinner you think, “If I hear about that accounting colleague again…” Another Thursday is coming – “Sex Night”. But you’re watching the show with passion. “Oh, I didn’t notice that it’s so late,” you say to each other. – Maybe let’s sleep better? – “If you do not mind, then I do not mind.” Both of you sigh with relief, and then suddenly you think with horror: how did we get to this point?

You have never fought. Nobody fought, did not leave the house, loudly slamming the door, did not cheat. So where did it go? “But I love you! – you say to each other. – You know that, right? We have to come up with something! “

Time to act

And you tear the calendar off the wall. No more routine! No friends or TV shows! On Sunday morning you take your partner out for a walk. He, in turn, walks into your shower on Monday before work – a pleasant surprise. At dinner, instead of asking how your day went, you ask, “What would you like to achieve in life?” A few weeks later, you enroll in a dance studio or an acting improvisation class together and rush home after class, unable to contain yourself. You suddenly remember why you once fell in love with that song.

How to spot an impending threat in time

Routine is the “quiet relationship killer” we spot too late. To find out if he has crept a little too close to your couple, ask yourself: what were the last six months? Didn’t these 180 days turn out to be similar to each other, like two drops of water? Have you experienced Groundhog Day 180 times?

Routine inevitably leads to boredom. Relationships are slowly dying while you both wonder how it could have come to this. But this fate can be avoided – there are at least two simple ways. Even if you have heard about them more than once, you are unlikely to apply them, and even more so correctly.

  1. Let go of expectations and add spontaneity to your life. Giving up routine doesn’t mean resurrecting a relationship. Sometimes we place too many unjustified expectations on this move, so the first and foremost thing is to give them up. The less pressure the better. Allow yourself to be more spontaneous. Try new things and do it together. The more interesting you both are, the higher the chances that the mutual attraction will return.
  2. Do what is interesting to each of you. When you are mired in a routine, it seems that the same worn-out record is playing in your head. And when you do what fascinates, life is filled with meaning. The feeling that the relationship is being pulled back disappears. Moreover, you give your partner a reason to become interested in you again. The days are no longer twins, because now both of you are doing what is interesting to everyone and arouses enthusiasm.

The more variations of your favorite melody you can invent, the longer the album will last.

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