The first (successful) vacation together

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24 903
PSYCHOLOGIES No. 33

The first (successful) vacation together

The sea, the sun, he and she – and it seems that nothing else in the world matters … But the first experience of a joint holiday for a “novice” couple decides a lot in the development of relations. Far from the usual, everyday life, two have to open up to each other without any embellishment.

Main ideas

  • The test of intimacy: to see the true desires, character, features of the behavior of another and “verify” the outlook on life.
  • Study of desires: surrender to attraction, listen to each other’s bodies and desires, coordinate your sexual rhythms.
  • The temptation is ideal: allow yourself to be open, without idealizing the partner and not trying to embellish your appearance for him.

Two plane tickets, two suitcases, ready to go … The desire to escape from everyone further away is, of course, better to some island where only nature, stars and the ocean are familiar to all lovers.

Although before the very departure in the soul, doubts may suddenly arise: “What if we were mistaken? Will we get along with each other? What are we going to talk about? .. ”Such questions are inevitable, because the first joint vacation is a turning point for the relations of any couple.

Being under the microscope

Whether we choose the comfortable beaches of Spain or the log cabin on the banks of the Volga as a paradise for two, the first joint journey becomes a test. After all, now it’s not only about spending a few hours in private, – for several days, or even weeks, we will always be together.

And therefore there is no chance to hide the fact that in their things someone prefers a “creative” mess, and someone does not like to shave unnecessarily or sees no reason to crawl out from under the covers until dinner is served. Going to travel together, we voluntarily go to intimacy twenty-four hours a day.

“The decision to go somewhere together is a serious step towards each other,” says psychotherapist Viktor Makarov. “Both partners deliberately take risks: after all, such a rapprochement can both strengthen and shake the existing relations.” A joint journey allows us not only to stay face to face with each other, but also to open ourselves up and get to know our partner in an atmosphere of domestic and human proximity.

“It is considered in vain that the main test for love is separation. A one-room hotel room can be a much more serious test, ”warns family psychologist Inna Khamitova. Close contact twenty-four hours a day is not easy even for very close people. Imagine: one is an “owl” and the other is an “early bird”, and on vacation this inevitably affects their joint plans. Both will have to reckon with this.

“Here a certain style of relations will manifest itself,” Inna Khamitova continues, “whether they will make a joint decision on a common regime, whether they will make a mutual compromise, or will one prove to the other that he is wrong and crush him for himself. How to share a bathroom, whether to go on an excursion or sunbathe by the pool, dine at home or in a restaurant – the couple is constantly in search of ways to an agreement. Until we lived together for at least a few days in a row, we cannot say that we are made for each other. ”

Check the looks

“The rhythm of life largely depends on daily needs, old habits, family traditions,” says Viktor Makarov. “On vacation, the opposite is true – we are not organizing the world around us, but it will reorganize us.” A vacation together – a time of maximum closeness, it gives us the opportunity to see the true desires, nature and characteristics of the behavior of another.

“We met with our future husband for more than two years before we managed to combine our vacations,” says 31-year-old Svetlana. – We went hiking along a simple mountain route. Actually, I was afraid that I would quickly get tired, that I would be bored away from civilization, but he persuaded me. And I did not regret it: there I seemed to see him with different eyes and … really fell in love. I thought he was the most ordinary guy, but a good person. But he was amazing – caring, skillful, strong. I don’t understand how I could consider him ordinary! ”

Traveling together is also a decisive stage on which the future sexual life of a couple depends in many respects

“Spending twenty-four hours with each other, partners (sometimes for the first time) also get the opportunity to“ compare ”their views on life,” says sociologist Irina Palilova. – Indeed, in daily time pressure we often do not have time for serious discussions about the main thing.

Situations that allow you to see the behavior, the partner’s actions may not develop – the dating environment is always a bit artificial, besides, both at such moments are focused primarily on each other, and not on what is happening around. ”

Wish time

In an atmosphere of relaxation, we no longer build life according to time frames or obligations, the main are the desires and feelings – ours and the partner.

“In essence, it is on vacation that we discover the true desires of another,” adds French sexologist Gerard Lele. – After all, the most important thing appears at our disposal – time for hugs in the afternoon siesta, for exploring our bodies, desires, and sexual rhythms. Therefore, traveling together is also a decisive stage, on which the future sexual life of the couple largely depends. ”

“Vacation is the time of greatest sexual intimacy, when you can focus on the process, and not on the result,” Inna Khamitova agrees. – This is an opportunity to be a sexual gourmet, to listen to the desires of a partner and your own. You can “let go” of attraction, indulge in exquisite pleasures, try to better coordinate your sexual rhythms – this is the basis on which relations will subsequently be held. ”

When the couple returns to the daily working rhythm, in which time for each other again will not be enough, emotions will calm down, and sex may seem familiar. The feeling of deep sexual interaction, which they felt during the first vacation together, often helps to restore feelings to breath.

The first (successful) vacation together

Do not “play along”

“Nina and I decided to go on holiday to Turkey together six months after we met,” recalls the 26-year-old Eugene. – I was sure that we would have a great time together – because we were in love, we wanted to be there, but there was not enough time, despite the fact that I often stayed with her for the night.

But the trip was a complete nightmare! In Moscow, Nina was a business and active girl, and there she lay in bed until noon, she could not be pulled out beyond the beach, she was not interested, and as soon as we walked ten minutes, she began to complain that she was tired … It’s good that all this showed up early enough before the relationship went too far! ”

“We need to prepare for a joint trip,” Victor Makarov advises. – Everyone knows how important it is not to make a mistake in choosing things – clothes according to the weather, in a guidebook or in medicines. It is equally important to understand the measure of autonomy with respect to each other. ” It is necessary to determine the boundaries of proximity, acceptable for both, because everyone needs a fraction of personal time and space.

“Try to catch the moment when the other wants to be alone,” continues Viktor Makarov. – If a partner answers questions uninterestedly, looks absent-minded, lost in thoughts, perhaps it’s time to give him a “respite”.

Do not try to play the role of a perfect life partner. Trying to meet the expectations of a partner, you can be trapped

“Too much focus on each other is risky,” Inna Khamitova confirms. “It is clear that the two have long dreamed of staying together longer, and they, like in the sea, rush into this proximity, and then discover … that they are tired of each other. There is a feeling (for each or one of the two) that in this endless merger you lose yourself. And this is a completely natural feeling, because each of us is a social being, but our own individuality is no less important for us. ”

At the same time, in a relaxed atmosphere of relaxation it is easy to begin to idealize relationships. We want everything to go so well that we try to notice only positive aspects in the other, and at the same time we try to show what is expected of us, agreeing to slightly embellish our real appearance.

“You should not try to play the role of a perfect life partner,” warns Inna Khamitova. – Trying to meet the expectations of a partner, you can be trapped: without the ability to remain ourselves, at some point we begin to feel irritation in the society of the one for whom this whole game was started. A partner becomes a source of discomfort, and it is very easy to unconsciously begin to blame him for this. “

When leaving for the first time together, it is important to allow yourself to be as open as possible in a relationship. How close are we willing to let another person close to us? Of course, no one will guarantee that you will be accepted as you are. But the risk is definitely worth it.

The first step to a future relationship

Going on their first joint vacation, the two create the beginning of their shared story. These days they have an invaluable fund of common jokes and funny cases, secret “code” phrases, intimate habits and rituals. These treasures belonging to both will become the basis on which their relationships will be built, and insurance in case they suddenly crack.

So the journey is not only a separation from the usual life, it is just an ordinary life, for which we often simply do not have enough time. Paradoxically, what was one of the first tests of strength for two can subsequently become a reliable means of strengthening relations … if they continue.

Sometimes it takes only a few days for the partners to be filled with an idyllic way of paradise relaxation and feel a new reality: they have the opportunity to become one, a couple. Traveling together often becomes a journey into the future: it is away from home that the two people decide to live together. And their return to real life is already happening in a new quality.

How to treat annoying little things?

Inna Hamitova

He is strong, gentle, witty … but he never closes the tube of toothpaste with a cap. She is cheerful and charming, but can put a wet swimsuit on the lid of his laptop. It’s worth talking about it – kindly and without complaints, advises family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova.

Psychologies: Who often has such claims – in women or in men?

Inna Hamitova: Both of them are equally annoyed, because each of us from childhood gets used to certain rules, the distribution of roles and customs that were adopted in our family, to our “everyday trifles.” Habits reflect an individual way of life, and the way another person lives – even a beloved one – in some details may seem unreasonable, irrational, unusual to us.

Fascinated by new emotions, lovers often prefer not to notice annoying household trifles, hoping that over time everything will be corrected. Should I postpone the conversation on this topic?

This situation belongs to the category of “traps”. On the one hand, a lover does not want to create a partner’s image of himself as a quibbler and a bore. However, suppressing negative feelings, he risks exploding at a moment completely unexpected not only for the partner, but also for himself.

When irritation builds up, any little thing can be the last straw. It’s best to talk kindly, without complaints, not only about any specific habits and gestures, but if possible and more broadly: ask about how “everything was arranged” in his family, and tell how it was customary in yours.

What would you recommend to people who are going to spend a relatively long time together for the first time?

If you want to try to guess whether something will annoy you in a partner, take a closer look at his family, its traditions and habits. And the most important advice: do not think that love makes a person a telepath, who is obliged to read your thoughts and predict your desires with ease. A huge number of family boats crashed into the harmful idea that “if he loves, then words are not needed, he (a) should (a) understand and feel this way …”

Try to accept the person as he is, treat his lifestyle as something unusual, new and – why not – find something useful for him in himself.

Text: Natalia Kim, Elena Orlova
Photo Source: Getty Images, NATALIA RODIONOVA AND VADIM ZHOLOBOV

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