Psychologies: It seems that today we are much less likely to say: “I have a dream.” Do you notice this trend? Is there any devaluation of the dream and what is the reason?
Alla Chugueva: Everyone is dreaming. The question is how they relate to this. Clients come to see me with a specific task, problem, whether it is a quarrel with her husband, betrayal, divorce, or a desire to increase their income.
The pace of life is high, so there’s no time to sit, like in the last century, in long evenings and languidly think about life. And our culture does not tend to dream of something far, for many years to come, and then go to a psychotherapist with this dream.
If something happened, you need a quick solution to the problem. Like an ambulance.
Perhaps we ourselves sometimes do not know very well what we want. You create and lead transformational games. Can they help to hear their deepest desires?
With the help of games you can determine your desires and tune in to them. Indeed, some in adulthood simply do not know what to desire. Because they lived in the existing system and used its templates and settings. On the one hand, it cannot be said that templates and settings are bad, and you need to live only “as I want.”
We live in a society where there must be rules so that we do not kill each other, so that we can communicate with each other. But when there are too many rules and a person limits himself too much, you can crush your own desires, do not hear them. The game is good because there are no restrictions, social attitudes, there is no real time, space, political and economic laws, there is nothing, there are only rules of the game.
The game helps to see the path to the fulfillment of dreams, to find resources that can be used. A person can achieve anything
That is, the game is a free field. Do you want to earn a million – please, do you want to meet a man – please, in the game you can do it, although in life you haven’t succeeded yet.
The game eliminates stereotypes, helps to free oneself from ordinary patterns of thinking and behavior. At least for the time it lasts. A person can open up in it and allow himself to desire what he wants.
But can he not reveal himself in psychotherapy or just in conversation?
This is completely different. When I ask customers: “What would you like?”, They immediately begin to limit themselves. They say: “I want an apartment …”, and I ask: “What apartment do you want?” – “Two-room”. – “Why two-room, why not three-?” – “Well, you can three-room” … – “And where?” – “In the sleeping area.” “And why in the bedroom, why not in the center of Moscow, you can wish what you want.”
If you ask a person what he wants without restrictions, it will be difficult for him, because these restrictions are already built into our lives. This is not in the game, nobody presses and says: “No, you will never earn an apartment.” Please, wish for anything, even to fly to Mars! A man allows himself to be revealed and can awaken something in himself, find out what he really wants.
But then the question arises, “What is the meaning of my desire?” So I’ll make an apartment in the center of Moscow, play, and then what? I will come back to reality again.
Why can’t I make money? The reason may be that a person is busy with his family and he simply does not have the strength for anything else
The game helps to see the path to the fulfillment of dreams, to find resources that can be used. A person can want and achieve anything. This is a cost issue. It is possible to fly to Mars, but the question is how much time, resources will be required to prepare for astronauts. I usually suggest customers formulate a more realistic request.
There are people who are unrealistic, they say: “I want my own business,” but they never tried to create it, they always worked in the office. But at the same time, after three months they want business and income of 500 thousand rubles. It is appropriate to ask: do you have money that you are going to invest, are there sponsors? How do you plan to achieve this in three months?
And then people think. Maybe they will postpone the deadline, but at least begin to imagine what they need to start this business.
It happens that they come to you with one request (for example: “I want to get married within a year”), and during the game it turns out that there is a different desire behind this: not to get married, but to establish relations with my mother, change jobs, or to go to another city?
It happens often. In systemic family therapy, there is such a thing as a symptom. Suppose a partner has changed a person, he wants to figure it out so that he no longer cheats. But the betrayal did not happen by chance, but as a result of actions, events that preceded it. And you need to deal with this.
Or, say, a child is behaving badly, the situation is also familiar to everyone. In fact, he behaves badly as a result of the fact that the husband and wife do not have intimacy. When we analyze this in consultation or in the game, the client sees what the true causes of his difficulties are. And then he weighs whether he is ready to invest resources in establishing relations with a partner or not. And so in almost everything.
Why can’t I make money? The reason may be that a person is busy with his family and he simply does not have internal resources for anything else.
The game provides an opportunity not only to change our circumstances, but also to change ourselves. How does this happen in practice?
The game focuses on one topic. First, the participant builds his dream, formulates the goal. In the process, he plays “about it”: about earnings or about relationships, there can be any goal. Looks at how to reach this dream. Finds out what qualities need to be shown to achieve a dream. And he often sees that he already has these qualities, he just does not show them, because he is in his limited, narrow sphere.
The game is good because its participant resides in the situation. We do not just talk, as in consultation, here he plunges into his story
The game allows you to go beyond that. In addition, the game has excitement. Man does not need to resist what is happening.
In a classical consultation, time must pass before the client admits to himself that he has properties that interfere with him. He needs to come to terms with this. They can be seen immediately in the game. Both other players and presenters can show him this: look, you take away chips from everyone or, on the contrary, you give too much, you do not get anything yourself.
The game is good because the participant resides in a situation. We do not just talk, as in a consultation. Here he directly plunges into his story. “I, it turns out, am losing my playing chips” or “I, it turns out, gain, then I have this ability.”
At the end of the game, he will reveal his key abilities, which are already there or which need to be shown a little stronger in order to achieve the goal.
About the expert:
Alla Chugueva – systemic family therapist, member of the Society of Systemic Family Counselors and Psychotherapists, head of the psychological games studio “Reflection”. Her
The interview was recorded for the joint project of the journal Psychologies “Status: in Relations” and the radio “Culture” in December 2016.