“Poverty is a state of mind”: 4 steps to big money
Career and self-realization
Practices how to
How to understand that something is going wrong in our relationship with money? There are signals worth paying attention to:
- The desire to quickly spend the money just received.
- Strong excitement when receiving large sums.
- Refusal to pay their labor.
- The habit of greatly underestimating the value of their labor.
- Buying unnecessary and low-quality things that break quickly.
- The habit of lending money to unreliable people.
“There are quite offensive situations: for example, we get sick before important negotiations that promise good profit, or are late for them. Thus, the block on income is manifested, ”explains Stanislav Efremov.
But there are two more blocks – for spending and accumulation. We save in small things, buy only the cheapest things, don’t throw away old and worn clothes, but store them “on rags”. Some spend the whole day to go to a remote store for sale, store unnecessary things at home on the principle of “maybe useful”, and go on vacation doomed to an unloved cottage or stay at home, because “you have to save”. So we forbid ourselves to spend.
But we also do not allow ourselves to accumulate. What signals does this block give? “If income doubles sharply, then expenses will immediately catch up. And if a large sum comes, for example, a profitable contract or inheritance, then all this will quickly be spent on clothes, equipment, cars, travel, furniture updates and super expensive repairs. The accumulation block prevents money from being held by the owner, ”the expert says.
Try to write down your goals without using the words “no” and “not” in the form of positive affirmative statements
How to get around these blocks and allow financial flows to come into our life and enrich it? The psychologist suggests taking four steps in this direction.
Step 1. Goal Setting
“Try to write down your goals without using the words“ no ”and“ not ”in the form of positive affirmative statements. Instead of “I do not want to lose money” – “I want my apartment.” Next, for each goal, you need to write what it gives: “My apartment is my security stronghold, I can live in it under any circumstances, no one will drive me out if I lose a lot of income. My apartment will give more freedom: I want – I call guests, I want – I screw the screws into the wall. I can repair it to my taste: paint the ceiling in purple, hang pictures with beautiful lighting, make a mirror wall, put the furniture that I’ve dreamed about for a long time. ” Such “chips” give a lot of joy, “says Stanislav Efremov.
It would be nice to imagine yourself in this apartment, to “feel” what it feels like to be in it. And record these feelings. “Such a description gives motivation for change, as well as a direction for work – when and how much money is needed. It’s important not to dream for 20 minutes every day, but to create a vivid image and use it as a “carrot”, motivation – we waved in front of us and move on. ”
If you dream for 20 minutes, sending a request to the Universe, then the brain will decide that you already have an apartment (and the brain doesn’t really share reality and fantasies), and will not give you the strength to make money. Our inner critic will certainly wedge into dreams, he must be turned off. How? Change the wording.
“Some of the goals can be regarded as impossible, or unworthy, or too great. If it is difficult to write “I want not to work, but …” – write down “I would like not to work, but …” or even: “I would like not to work, but to do what I love.” Because the critic inside us will recall that “everyone should work, there is nothing to believe in fairy tales.” With the help of “would” we neutralize it. “
Step 2. Finding Constraints
Successful interaction with money is often blocked by thinking. Therefore, finding these blocks is the second step. Much depends on in which particular process — receipt, spending, or accumulation — barriers appeared.
- Barrier in receipt. “In fact, we just get a little money, as a result – we have little money for life and no savings,” comments Stanislav Efremov.
- Barrier in accumulations. “Life can be gorgeous, but from pay to pay. If problems arise with the source of income – dismissal, illness, pension, bankruptcy of a business – the person is extremely vulnerable, he does not have an airbag, and from the usual wealth he immediately falls into frightening poverty. “
- The barrier in spending. “A person can be rich, have good savings, but still live in poverty, not allowing himself anything. And if you live in poverty, then what is the use of accumulation? ”
The reasons for the restrictions often lie in the scenarios that we inherited from our family. We do not know other models, because our parents, grandfathers and grandmothers lived this way. Dealing with the inherited alien script is one of the destinations on our way to a rich life. But how to see him?
“Tell your monetary rules to the conditional“ Martian, ”that is, a creature that knows the meanings of words, but does not know the way of earthly life. Occasionally take up the role of a Martian and ask the question “Why?” For example, you can build such a dialogue:
– It is important to save.
– Because it is important.
“Well, how else?”
“If you repeat the same thing several times with bewilderment or irritation, this is a sure sign of the scenario,” explains Stanislav Efremov, “Note it:“ It is important to save. ” And move on with the “Martian”. “
– And what will happen if you do not save?
– And what exactly is bad?
– You will die in the gateway.
And here it becomes clear which scenario works: “It is important to save, otherwise you will starve to death.” Naturally, such a dialogue is most productive not with oneself, but with another person, best of all – with a psychologist. If you cannot consult a psychologist, ask a friend or girlfriend. The main thing is that the “Martian” must maintain benevolence and detachment.
“The same Martian can be told about his cases with money. Briefly, according to the paragraph, write out 10-20 such stories. What happened? What did you do? What was going on around? What were the consequences? In which of the three processes (receive, spend, save) did you find a barrier? ”
It is useful to recall how we received the first money, did we have any savings in childhood, what happened to them, how is this connected with the current relationship with money? Analyze your kind: what were the stories of losses (any), how they affected your ancestors. How did ancestors relate to money? How did they live? Are there stories that are similar to yours or respond to you? What were your favorite family proverbs, sayings and sayings about money? What advice about money would your parents and grandparents give?
Step 3. Rewrite the script
Sometimes it turns out to change relationships with money without special psychotherapeutic work. But often, despite all the awareness and discoveries in family history, familiar patterns continue to lie in wait for us. And we understand that we again stepped on the same rake, because the old “encoding” inside us has not yet been rewritten.
“We are making attempts to live a new life, but the scenario has remained the same,” says Stanislav Efremov. – If a person is “not allowed to spend,” then you can arrange a holiday and a pleasant life only through strength and great resistance. Is it possible to rejoice through power? Imagine that such a person decided to do something new and went on vacation. And he will sit at the resort, calculate how many hens can be bought with money from this trip, not find a place, try to work on vacation (this scenario is often combined with workaholism). As a result: I spent the money, I didn’t get any pleasure, and the scenario can only get stronger from this. ”
And what happens if, according to the scenario and personal attitudes, “being rich is dangerous”?
“In this case, you can expect hidden sabotage from yourself. After all, our caring subconscious mind believes that it saves our lives, and will do a lot for this. As a result, we run the risk of getting into a minor accident, giving money into bad debt, going on a very expensive trip, buying a very expensive bag, and indeed, giving in to shopping in full. ” Changing a scenario using psychotherapy and certain techniques is more reliable and more effective, the expert said.
A script is a tough, lifelong program; it drives us. And the role model is different possibilities of movement
“The scenario is easy to imagine as a subpersonality living in our head. And with this subpersonality you can do the following: send her “retired” with gratitude and recognition of her merits. After all, usually a scenario arises as a saving model of behavior for our ancestors in difficult situations. It is important to understand exactly how the script saved the lives of ancestors and whether there was any benefit from it in our lives. Once, during a psychodrama session, I worked with the script “You can’t spend, you will die of hunger,” Stanislav Efremov recalls. – I divided and presented it in the form of two subpersonalities. One was responsible for a reasonable saving of resources, and the client found it useful and wanted to leave it unchanged. But the second part did not allow to live to the fullest, relax at least for a minute and allow yourself a little joy. We worked with her.
It turned out that this subpersonality can shift the focus of its attention. She stopped scolding him for “extravagance” and drew attention to the debtors of this person: after all, you need to return what you can and continue to control who you can lend to and who not. She also determined whether to work without an advance, to what level it is possible to lower the price in negotiations with the customer, and where it is worth staying so as not to work at a loss. ”
But what will come in the place of the previous scenario? After all, can not we live without rules? You can replace a hard script with a set of different role-playing patterns of behavior. You can understand the goals associated with finance: what and why we need spending, income and savings. You can start to manage the choice of a suitable model of behavior at one time or another and activate it.
“The main difference is that the script is a tough program that lasts a lifetime, it controls us like a deep track on the road, from which it is impossible to get out without help. And the role model is different possibilities of movement, like turning right or left. Here we decide where to turn and when to stop, ”explains Stanislav Efremov.
Psychotherapy will help get out of the rut and pick up a set of useful role-playing models.
Step 4. Going around the blocks
A few simple tools will help you get around the “money” blocks.
Personal bookkeeping. Written or electronic personal bookkeeping is a very useful tool that not only brings the system and planning into our financial picture of the world, but also allows us to analyze what and how we spend money. Remembering every little thing bought is almost impossible. But taking into account how much money we receive and how much we spend gives a clear picture of the movement of cash flows.
“We often wonder: why did I buy this? And when and on what did I spend this amount? Next time we will think hard, deciding to purchase some next “necessary” thing, ”says Stanislav Efremov. If you record in advance all the required payments, then we will not find ourselves at the end of the month with debt on rent or unpaid internet. So, we will have less cause for alarm.
The trick that saves you from squandering can be the transfer of all finances to a bank card
Measuring in a new way. If we have a spending unit, we will calculate how much we earn per minute, hour and day. We’ll measure the value of a pleasant thing not in rubles, but in minutes.
“For example, a“ super-expensive ”cactus should not cost 500 rubles, but 15 minutes of my working time. I can’t give 500 rubles for mischief. And 15 minutes I can. ” Such a cunning maneuver allows us to see that we, saving 20% of the check in the hypermarket, spend almost three hours on a trip to it, which, if translated into money, will more than cover the savings. So maybe it was worth buying everything in a store near the house, and spending three hours on something else or earning for them, say, 6 thousand rubles? ”
A similar example with a taxi: for example, a trip costs 400 rubles, but it saves 50 minutes, for which we can earn 2000 rubles, so is it profitable? For someone, a trick that saves you from squandering may be to transfer all finances to a bank card if paper money does not want to stay in your wallet. At the same time, it is important to leave the card at home and never pay it.
“An effective tool can be selected for each block and for each scenario,” the expert concludes.
About the expert
Stanislav Efremov – Psychologist, specializes in relationships with money, family history and difficulties in female-male relations. His page in.
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