P – priorities: how to understand what is most important for us


Tatiana is 38 years old. She has a husband, two children and a clear routine from morning alarm clock to evening lessons. “I have nothing to complain about,” she wonders, “but I often feel tired, irritated, and kind of empty. It seems that something important is missing, but I do not understand what exactly. “

Many men and women live against their will in an autopilot mode set and programmed in their place by others. Sometimes – because they said “no” to themselves, but more often only because they did not dare to say “yes”.

Our personal life is no exception: over time, what we entered into a relationship for is overwritten by everyday life – everyday tasks and minor conflicts, so we are faced with the need to change something in relations with loved ones. If we do not do this and continue to move “on the knurled”, then we lose strength and interest in life. Over time, this condition can turn into depression.

Time to become a cheerleader

“Clients with a similar problem come to me more and more often,” says medical psychologist Sergei Malyukov. – And then, for a start, I propose to decide: what really pleases you? Then find out how this feeling appears, why exactly at this moment. Maybe this is the realization of some of your qualities or traits. And they just can be the thread that will return the taste of life. It would be nice to remember yourself in those periods when everything was in order, and to understand what activities, what relationships took most of your life. Ask yourself why it was important. “

You can also go from the opposite: to isolate those activities and relationships that give rise to depression, boredom, dissatisfaction, and try to find out what is wrong with them. But this path, according to the psychologist, is more difficult.

Tatiana turned to a psychotherapist, and he invited her to remember what she loved as a child. “At first, nothing came to my mind, but then I realized: I went to the art studio! I liked drawing, but I didn’t have enough time, I gave up this activity and completely forgot it. ” After the conversation, she decided to resume it. Having made time for an art school for adults, Tatiana realizes with surprise: all this time she lacked creativity.

When we know the rules and regulations too well and operate on autopilot, we lose the feeling of novelty, surprise and excitement.

We sometimes ignore our needs for years. Hobbies sometimes seem insignificant compared to work or family responsibilities. There are other reasons why we abandon classes that were once important to us.

“They cease to please when they become routine and the initial idea is blurred, for the sake of which we generally started doing this,” explains Sergey Malyukov. – If we talk about a hobby or work, then this can be when we are pressed by too many ideas about how to do it right. For example, ideas that you need to achieve certain successes by a certain date, use specific techniques, compare yourself with others. Such “external” attitudes over time obscure the essence of our business. “

Excessive professionalism can also lead to this result: when we know the rules and regulations too well and operate on autopilot, we lose the feeling of novelty, surprise and excitement. Where does interest and joy come from? The way out is to learn new things, try to do something different or in a different way. Remember what it means to be an amateur. And again, allow yourself to be wrong.

P - priorities: how to understand what is most important for us

Not everything is under control

“I don’t know what I want, I don’t feel what is good for me” … Such a state may be the result of severe fatigue, exhaustion. Then we need a thoughtful and full rest. But sometimes not knowing your priorities is actually a refusal, behind which there is an unconscious fear of failure. Its roots go back to childhood, when strict parents demanded an urgent solution of the tasks set for the top five.

The only possible form of passive protest against uncompromising parental attitudes is the decision not to decide and not to choose. In addition, by refusing to highlight accents, we maintain the illusion of omnipotence and control over the situation. If we do not choose, then we will not experience defeat.

We must acknowledge our right to be wrong and to be imperfect. Then failure is no longer a fearful sign of failure.

But such unconsciousness is associated with getting stuck in the complex of an eternal youth (puer aeternus) and is fraught with a stop on the path of personality development. As Jung wrote, if we are not aware of the inner content of our psyche, it begins to influence us from the outside and becomes our destiny. In other words, life will over and over again “throw” at us repetitive situations that require the ability to choose – until we take responsibility for it.

For this to happen, we must admit our right to be wrong and to be imperfect. Then failures will cease to be a frightening sign of failure and will become only part of the movement along the path that is chosen for us not by society, not by modernity, and not even by our close ones, but only by ourselves.

“We can determine what is really important to us by tracking how much the actions invested in a particular activity give energy and resources,” says analytical psychologist Elena Arie. “And the latter, in turn, allow you to more effectively process anxiety, shame, guilt and other feelings that interfere with focus on achieving goals.” Knowing what is important to us, we will understand where our strength lies.

The most important thing for them …

“Be present in your life. I am often in a hurry myself and hurry others, I try to predict the future. I recently decided to change this. I try to stop, ask myself what is happening to me at this very minute. I am angry? Rejoicing? I’m sad? Every moment has its own meaning. And then I begin to understand that life is great. ” (Svetlana, 32, illustrator for a children’s publishing house)

“Get rid of unnecessary things. This applies not only to things, but also to thoughts. I threw away the alarm clock: I don’t have to get up at a certain hour; sold the car, walk. I gave the TV to my neighbor: I will live well without news. I wanted to throw out the phone too, but my wife is calmer when she can call me. Although now we spend more time together. ” (Gennady, 63, retired, former deputy director of sales)

“Be among friends. Meet new people, get to know them and open up yourself, learning something about yourself that you did not know before. On the Internet I found a small company that produces T-shirts with prints, I liked them. They recently posted a post about financial problems. My friends and I bought several T-shirts, for ourselves and as a gift. We received a letter of gratitude. I am not personally acquainted with the guys from the company, but I was glad that I helped good people. ” (Anton, 29 years old, procurement specialist)

“Do what you like. I worked as a lawyer in different companies for more than twenty years, and then I realized: I don’t like this. The son is an adult and earns himself, and I do not need to strain anymore for a salary. And I made up my mind – I left the firm. I have always liked sewing, so I bought a sewing machine and graduated from the courses. I sewed several things for myself. Then for her friends. Now I have more than fifty clients and I am thinking of expanding the business. ” (Vera, 45 years old, dressmaker)

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