“It’s impossible to find anything in my house,” admits 39-year-old Sergei. – Once I rummaged through the whole apartment in search of a mobile, which ended up in a bag for dirty linen. I regularly promise myself that I will sort it out on the weekend, but everything remains the same. This situation causes a lot of trouble: either they promise to turn off the phone, then they take away the rights on the road … And all because I am not able to find the receipt in time or the registration certificate for the car disappears somewhere. Everything just dissolves in my mess! “
Unwillingness to grow up
A sink full of dirty dishes, a pile of clothes, magazines scattered all over the place – the habit of chronic disorder often arises in childhood.
“Mom was just obsessed with cleanliness,” recalls 40-year-old Marina, “she constantly rubbed, washed, laid out on the shelves … From her excessive desire for order in everything, I felt uncomfortable, and in my room I tried to keep a mess.”
Sloths refuse to submit to traditional ideas about order and cleanliness, they consider them to be just optional conventions that remind of the time when their parents constantly told them: “Clean up the room.”
“At the same time, clutter is an easy and convenient way to avoid adult responsibility for your life,” explains age psychologist Olga Shiyan. Chaos allows you to demonstrate your helplessness and hope that someone will solve problems for you – for example, pay bills on time, put things in order on your desktop.
A way to get attention
“A person who constantly loses something, searches and fusses, attracts attention to himself and often arouses sympathy,” says cognitive psychologist Yevgeny Krasheninnikov. “And instead of going about their business, those around him begin to help him.”
People who are not very confident in themselves thus feel the compassion and support that they lack in life.
“I realized that my lack of assembly harms me myself”
Varvara, 38 years old, assistant director
“Disorder has become a part of my life, apparently because I really didn’t want to repeat the fate of my mother and grandmother: their role in the family was reduced only to the duties of a housewife. The confusion in the house even seemed kind of joyful to me – perhaps in opposition to the discipline that my work demands. But the moment came when I realized that lack of assembly hurts myself. Every day for several minutes I began to sort things out, assigning each one to its place, and gradually I stopped wasting time looking for them. Recently I took a course in feng shui – the Chinese art of decorating a house in accordance with the energy of space. Cleaning no longer contradicts my inner harmony, it has become something of a game and (sometimes) even brings me pleasure. “
Expression of self-centeredness
Sometimes, by making a mess around him, a person seems to be trying to multiply the evidence of his existence – this is how his need to free himself from the feeling of helplessness is manifested. If a person lives in a family, then imposing his disorder on loved ones is also a way to “mark” his territory. “It can be regarded as an unconscious refusal to leave some place for another,” comments French psychoanalyst Alberto Eger.
“After the divorce, I got depressed. And the apartment exactly reflected the state of my inner world: disorganization, disorder, ”explains 46-year-old Marina.
But continuing to live in such chaos means allowing yourself to drown in anxiety attacks and in your own past. In this case, putting things in order at home, throwing out unnecessary things at the same time means putting things in order within yourself: freeing up space and energy for a happier life in the present – here and now.
What to do?
The thought of spring cleaning can scare anyone. Try to at least take out the trash and (or) wash the dishes for a start, and for tomorrow, for example, schedule to disassemble some of the papers on the table. Step by step you will correct the situation.
Find an attractive reason for you
Think about what will change the order in your life. Look for a motive to do this. Maybe you want to fully appreciate the beauty of recently purchased furniture? Enjoy the cozy atmosphere of a clean kitchen? Or finally to host friends so that you would not be ashamed of the eternal bedlam? Show your willpower and set comfortable cleaning hours – it won’t get in order by itself!
Stop looking for help from others
When something important disappears in your rubble, forbid yourself to seek help from loved ones. If you stick to this rule for several weeks, then the factor of emotional “positive reinforcement” – increased attention from other people – disappears and things begin to live in their places.
Clean up your shower
If you still find it difficult to let go of your disorganization, then your inner disorder has deep roots. Deconstruct your emotions, fears, memories: put the past in place, throw away everything that clutters your inner world, and the problem of domestic chaos will be solved by itself.
Advice to others
In adolescence, clutter in the room is a way to declare your independence, independence from the parental model of behavior. Adults do not have to clean instead of the child if they want to instill in him a sense of responsibility. In the life of a couple, you should also not take a parental position in relation to a partner, putting him in a position of always guilty. Treat the situation with humor, offer an agreement: “Okay, I’ll clean the kitchen, and you go to the store.” So you will soon find a common language and maintain balance in the family.