Lessons of charm

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Lessons of charm

How to understand what prevents us from being more attractive, and to cope with what holds back our charm? Our correspondent Inna Fichtenholtz met with a psychologist to find answers to these questions for herself.

Psychologist Marik Khazin works in Israel, and comes to Russia to consult, conduct trainings: helps people discover spontaneity in themselves. In the Khazin itself, spontaneity is arbitrary. And also energy, confidence, a smile and an instantly sensing feeling that we had known him for a long time – these are the components of charm, about which we were going to not only talk, but also conduct an experimental express consultation with me as a client.

It’s not that I considered myself completely un charming — sometimes you start to light up for some unknown reason — but when Marik began to question me, completely different scenes surfaced in my memory.

So I was elected chairman of the squad council and I stand in front of the class, trying to voice the plan of action, but no one listens to me. So I am making a report at the meeting, but again everyone is distracted. A very young employee says: “Let’s listen!” – and everyone instantly calms down, respectfully looking at her – not at me. And I don’t know why I suddenly begin to cough.

There is a lump in my throat, after a while I have only enough to warn that I’m about to pay

“I think these are difficult experiences,” says Khazin. “What do you feel when you tell?” I listen to myself: this is insult and powerlessness. “Resentment is an effective feeling,” comments Marik, “it can be shouted. And powerlessness is not, and this is really hard. After all, powerlessness is the accumulated, not expressed by us anger. Tell me, who was the main one in your family? ”

“Aunt,” I reply. Mom’s elder sister, Aunt Rita, ruled everything: she did not approve of my mother’s marriage and on occasion always reminded dad that the apartment we live in belongs to her. In this connection, Dad tried to be less likely to be at home, and in the end his parents divorced.

Aunt Rita willingly fiddled with me – she really loved me. But it was worth not doing what she ordered, a terrible scandal began in the house, into which everyone was drawn. I was hiding in the pantry and, crying there, I thought that few would recognize in this screaming red-faced woman that smiling lady who was reduced by the sellers in the market and brought the bags of a man on the street. Aunt Rita was charming, she had charisma …

“And you give up your charm in order not to turn into an aunt?” Asks Marik. I am silent. There is a lump in my throat, after a while I have only enough to warn that I am about to pay. “People who are not able to cry do not laugh,” says Marik. – I am crying too. When it hurts, I cry, when it’s funny, I laugh, when it’s sad, I’m sad. ”

In you lives a girl who is always told: “Come on quiet!”, And you must not show yourself

I recall that it was only possible to cry in the pantry: when Aunt Rita thought that I was doing it too loudly, she said (sometimes stroking my head): “Come on, come on!”

“Now we will analyze your internal performance,” continues Marik Khazin. – A girl lives in you, who is always told: “Come on!”, And you should not show yourself. Your dad had a similar situation – he tried to show male energy, but he was not given. And the dad, whom you empathized most of all, is inside you – and this affects your voice, which can sound loud, but it sounds quiet and choked. And the aunt is sitting in you. But since this image is terrible for you, it sits deeply. And your aunt is your main teacher of charisma. Now tell me how you feel? ”

There was a hard, hot lump in his throat, which began to slowly shift toward the solar plexus. “Imagine this lump.” I listened to myself – and the lump took shape and even color. It was a small purple spring, which did not allow breathing freely. “Spring? – asks Khazin. “Let’s find out what she wants from you.” Imagine that she is you, and begin: “I’m Inna’s throat in the spring …” and then answer her. “

You still have this dialogue inside, it lives in you in the form of a spring

Dialogue with a spring only exacerbated my powerlessness. I hardly notice how my voice changes, in a dull and gloomy tone, I threaten the spring, telling her to leave, and she replies smartly and cheerfully: “I won’t leave, I won’t leave, I will do as I want!”

“You are at war with her,” summarizes Marik Khazin. “But this is not a war, but a game of war.” And the music of this dialogue may resemble the music of another: as if one of the adults tells you to go to lunch or do homework, and you reply: “I don’t want, I won’t!” Such conversations in my childhood did not last long. You could laugh together, but without a slap could not do. “And then this dialogue became internal,” Khazin explains. “You still lead him, he lives in you in the form of this spring.”

My communication with the spring does not end there. It turns out that it exists in order to turn me on, make me move, dance, and suddenly it becomes much easier for me to breathe.

“Let’s contract with the spring,” Marik suggests. “Let her be your consultant.” Tell her: “I’m only ready to listen to you from time to time!” And when you move, the spring will be there, and if you stop, become internally frozen, you will feel it again. ”

I say goodbye to the spring, say goodbye to Marik Khazin – this is not my first experience with a psychologist, so I know the feeling that you were filled with energy from the inside. And the fact that people in the subway begin to smile at me only adds energy.

A few days later I rush to the bus stop. The road goes uphill, it’s hard for me to climb – sometimes I even stop to catch my breath. But this time nothing of the kind happens – breathing remains light and free. The spring is doing its job.

“Charm is in each of us”

Lessons of charmMarik Khazin is a gestalt therapist, psychodramatist, author of the method of integral expressive therapy.

Psychologies: Is our charm always related to childhood experiences?

Marik Khazin: Yes, because it is from parents and relatives that we learn the alphabet of behavior. And then we live in accordance with it, not knowing that it could be distorted. It’s hard for some people to behave openly, smile and get close to others because they simply don’t know how to do it. In childhood, parents only touched them out of necessity, smiled little and talked dryly, only on business.

Can you learn charm?

He does not need to learn, because a charming person is hidden in everyone, you just need to let him appear. I often see people who unknowingly make a repulsive impression, dress so that no one pays attention to them. Surprisingly, they can even start to smell worse, because they are afraid or do not want to like it!

To my training “Image and Presentation”, participants bring the details of their wardrobe, dress as usual, women apply their usual make-up – and then listen to all the members of the group with candid opinions about how attractive they are.

In Russia, women for some reason love to throw handkerchiefs on their shoulders, and handkerchiefs greatly age a woman. They prefer to wear gray; they go with the same haircut for forty years! And it’s scary to change, because we don’t know ourselves, we don’t see and don’t want to see ourselves. I suggest experimenting with yourself. Someone has never tried makeup – try it! Someone is used to doing one thing – try another! We can be different. And among other things – and charismatic, and attractive, and sexual, and spontaneous.

It happens that we open up among friends, and communicating with strangers, we behave very differently.

Of course, we respond to circumstances. But no one can include charm in us, except for ourselves. Charisma and charisma are the result of the relaxation, openness and trust that can be found in oneself. Because each of us has everything – including a charming, charismatic personality. Life is either an amazing adventure or nothing. And if you treat life as an adventure, you will definitely have a desire to live, be healthy, spontaneous and charming.

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Text: Inna Fichtenholz
Photo Source: Getty Images, Boris Zakharov

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