Let’s pretend that you are an author and have written a novel, article, or research study. Should your partner make an effort to read it? The writer Morgan Jerkins is sure so. “Never meet or invest your heart in someone who doesn’t bother to get to know your writings,” she recently wrote on Twiter.
Some users agreed with her: “I realized that our marriage was over already at the moment when my husband stopped reading what I was writing. At the beginning of the relationship, he literally tore out the sheets of paper written from my hands, but over time, more important things began to be found … “Some of this tweet outraged:” Nonsense! I have been married for 18 years to a man who has not read a single line of what I write, but this did not affect my work or our marriage in any way. There are many other ways to support the author. My husband respects my work, asks the right questions and rejoices at my success – that’s more than enough. “
Perhaps writing is too much of an example, but whatever you do, the question of how much it costs to tell your partner about your work will sooner or later arise in any relationship. How can you support a loved one or tell you that you may be lacking participation? There is no one rule for everyone – you and your partner will have to negotiate.
If we strive to keep a loved one informed of absolutely everything that happens at our work: what we managed in a week, with whom of our colleagues we had a fight – this may be a sign that we devote too much time to work, says coach Melody Wilding.
Having figured out what exactly you yourself are missing, it is important to understand what your partner needs
But what if we, on the contrary, draw too rigid a boundary between the two spheres of life? “There is no correct model of behavior here,” says clinical psychologist Ryan Hows. “If both you and your partner are comfortable not sharing the details of working life with each other, then this is the best option for your couple.”
Problems can begin when you or he no longer lacks support. But, again, only you can decide what to share. “The clue comes from our emotions,” Wilding explains. – Anger, frustration, resentment are signals that you need to pay attention to. We need to understand why these emotions have arisen. “
Having figured out what you yourself lack, it is important to understand what your partner needs. “Tension can arise if, for example, you want to devote a loved one to all the details of your projects and relationships at work, invite him to corporate events, but he is not interested,” the coach comments. “It is important that you are on the same wavelength in this matter.”
If you do not yet coincide in your views on the problem, you need to convey to your partner your attitude to the situation as tactfully as possible, avoiding attacks and accusations. For this, the coach advises using “I-messages”. Try to work together, rather than regard misunderstandings as a problem for your partner to solve.
“If you want your spouse to be more interested in what’s going on at work, including in your relationships with colleagues, explain why this is so important to you,” says Wilding. “And before you start a conversation, make sure that you choose the right time, that he is in no hurry and is ready for a detailed conversation.”
The fact that a loved one becomes your “vest” is not at all great for a relationship.
But what if a partner overloads with details, talking about what he does? You can say: “I can’t keep up with you and sometimes I get lost in such a flow of information. Also, when you talk about work all evening, it starts to feel like I’m still in the office myself. Let’s think about how we can make it so that I can (la) listen to you without getting confused in the abundance of details, ”- recommends Hoves.
If your partner prefers to keep quiet about his work, you should not put pressure on him, but you can say: “I would like to know a little more about what you do, who you communicate with. It will be pleasant and important for me if you start sharing this, of course, in a format that is comfortable for you. “
Some people tend to the other extreme: they use a partner as a “vest”, getting rid of the stress accumulated at work, “bringing” conflicts and turmoil home. “This way they want to either ‘digest’ what happened, or find a way out, or let off steam, especially if you can’t do it at work,” explains Hows. But if you reiterate the same thing over and over again, it turns from trying to solve the problem into a very ordinary complaint, which upsets the balance in your relationship.
“The fact that a loved one becomes your“ vest ”is not great for a relationship, – says Melody Wilding. – You become addicted to him or her, and this person is not your therapist. There is a great risk that all communication will gradually be reduced to whining about work. ” If you were appointed as a “vest”, you can tell your partner mildly that you do not agree with this role. Absorbing other people’s negativity is toxic to ourselves.
“It’s important for a healthy relationship that we want to see our partner happy and successful,” Wilding said. “But for specific advice on career development or conflict resolution, you should contact a specialist: a psychotherapist, coach, career counselor.”