Offended or upset, they prefer not to express their feelings, but become silent, delving into their own experiences. And in vain the loved ones try to find out what happened – they never get an answer.
“These kinds of grievances are referred to as ‘surrogate’ feelings,” explains psychotherapist Isabelle Crespel, a specialist in transactional analysis. – A person is afraid to show his anger, irritation, because they can cause misunderstanding, rejection from the “offender”. Therefore, like a child, he declares a boycott to everyone. ” Nurturing resentment in his soul or demonstratively indulging in sorrow, he makes it clear to those around him how bad he is. And often, without realizing it, he manipulates them.
“This behavior becomes established in early childhood, at about two or three years,” says clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. – The mother (for various reasons) cannot recognize the strong feelings that the child experiences in moments when he is angry or upset about something. Each time she cuts him off, demanding that he immediately stop crying, instead of trying to understand him, describe his experiences to him, show that they can be dealt with. “
As an adult, he will mistrust his feelings and in difficult situations will prefer to withdraw into himself, shut up, pout. “In addition to their will, such people force others to pay for their inability to express sadness, anger or disappointment,” continues Yakov Kochetkov. “They put the blame on the other, prompting them to make an effort and prove their affection.”
Silent deepening in experience can be defensive or offensive. Those who resort to this behavior as a defense are very vulnerable and sensitive.
“They easily take offense and immediately plunge into deep sadness,” notes Isabelle Crespel, “while trying to hide their resentment. Such concealment of real feelings protects them from numerous fears. ” Fear of being ridiculous or being judged, fear of disliking or getting into conflict … Fear of life.
“I am learning to speak my feelings”
Maria, 42 years old, architect
“From early childhood, as soon as something is not for me, I shut up, plunge into sadness and sulk at the whole world. Why talk if no one understands me, including myself? When people ask me what happened, I find it difficult to answer. It is difficult to understand your feelings, it is not easy to say about them. But thanks to my husband, thanks to the trust between us, I am gradually starting to change. His love withstands my bad mood. And I found that if I openly express my dissatisfaction or upset, it does not destroy our relationship. With him, I learn to articulate my feelings. I still often have an involuntary desire to suppress my emotions, but I already know that it is better to make an effort on myself and express, express them. “
In other cases, demonstrative offended silence takes on an offensive character – it is no longer a shield, but a weapon. Expressive sighs, bewildered shrug of shoulders, contempt … In an effort to manipulate others, such a person resorts to silence in order to put another in an uncomfortable position, make him doubt his own vision of the situation and subjugate him.
“By his behavior, he broadcasts the following: my parents did not give me warmth and attention, you can make up for this deficit,” Yakov Kochetkov believes. “At the same time, those around them should understand without words what this person is offended.”
Regularly resorting to such expressive silence, they play a risky game, because in an effort to get proof of love from a loved one, they can achieve the opposite and lose their dear relationship.
So do not go into a tailspin abruptly, our experts believe. It is better to ponder on what initial ideas such behavior is based on: “if people are different, then understanding between them is impossible”; “If we object to what a person says or does, then we are against that person”; “The cause of our troubles is more likely in other people than in our position in life …”.
And then ask yourself the question: how fair is this? Isn’t it time to get rid of this dangerous habit of sulking? The only way to defeat her is to show your needs and make it clear to those close to you what we expect from them.
What to do?
Letting Go of Overwhelming Emotions
If you think it is better to sulk than to lose your temper by openly showing your anger or sadness, do two things. First, release tension away from prying eyes by walking, running, yelling, or punching on the pillow to vent your feelings. And if you are sad, cry heartily. After you’ve relieved tension in this way, push aside your emotions and try to figure out what exactly you don’t like.
Share with others
Treat your interlocutor as an ally, do not play with him in silence, share your experiences … For example, tell your partner: “I have such a habit, I know that this is stupid and pointless. When I start to sulk, just hug me. ” Or tell others that you need to be with yourself for a while, and then explain to them what pissed you off. This will make it easier for them to recognize and respond to your feelings and emotions.
Advice to others
Do not accept the rules of the game of someone who sulks, seeking to put the blame on you or to piss you off. Tell the person that you have noticed their hurt. Asking him direct questions, invite him to speak, but just do not return to the alleged reason for the dissatisfaction – this will only whip up resentment and the desire to continue in the same spirit. Show that you are waiting for an answer, but do not be impatient or angry. You can joke, but the main thing is not to make fun of the offended person. He should feel that you want to make him laugh, not laugh at him.
I have great friends. They stay close, even despite the fact that communication with me is like waltzing in a minefield: it is not clear what I can be offended at at the moment. I was a very touchy person. The key word was “was”. I’ll tell you why, and psychologist Nadezhda Pylaeva will comment on how to get rid of this habit.
It is believed that the relationship with the father largely determines the female destiny. If they have developed, the girl gains self-confidence, she is less likely to be mistaken with the choice of a partner. Our reader tells the story of her childhood. And the expert reflects on how an unresolved conflict with a parent can affect us in adulthood.