I feel redundant
Man among people
“I feel out of place”, “no one is happy to me” – one who constantly feels rejected, distrusts contacts with other people. The slightest inattention on their part makes us feel helpless again and again. “Once having experienced this painful feeling, such a person unconsciously expects that everything will happen again: he will be betrayed, abandoned,” explains the existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
Trying to avoid such a development of events, each time he checks the relationship for strength and as a result he again remains alone. “Trying to arouse interest, like him, he gradually becomes dependent on the opinions and opinions of other people,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova, “and his suspiciousness simply exhausts those who are nearby. Relationships become formal, often full of hostility, and eventually end. ” To live in constant expectation of a break means to provoke a break.
“When I was four years old, my older brother became seriously ill and my mother sent me to my grandmother for several months,” says 29-year-old Yaroslav. “I was very worried: it seemed to me that I behaved so badly that my mother had to abandon me.”
Fear of being abandoned first arises in childhood and is usually associated with a sudden (often prolonged) separation from parents.
“Young children cannot understand the meaning of the actions of adults and suffer from loneliness,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “The memory that you didn’t please your parents with something and therefore were not needed is preserved for many years.” Those whom the parents really “abandoned” in their childhood and did not support in a difficult situation can also feel their abandonment.
“I am learning to talk about my feelings”
Valeria, 33 years old
“I know well what it means to be useless to anyone. When my younger sister was born, my mother quit work to do it. Maybe my fears appeared then? I always felt that I was not with them. At school, too, no one wanted to be friends with me, and as a teenager, I was absolutely sure that I was not worthy of love. And indeed, no one paid attention to me, I was invisible.
At some point, the feeling of rejection became too painful, but it helped me to see myself from the side: I was so closed, gloomy. Now I try to be more sociable, talk more openly about my feelings, articulate more clearly what worries me. Surprisingly, my loved ones now speak of restraint and vulnerability as the best features of my strong character. ”
Sometimes parents very early force the child to assume “adult” responsibilities, sacrifice their interests in favor of the brother or sister, and the child grows up, confident that no one cares about him. “We feel the greatest pain at those moments when we experience our own invalidity,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “If they do this, then it’s possible with me, so I’m not worth another.” Feeling “worse than anyone”, building relationships with others is painfully difficult. Unconscious “filters” operate through which a growing child “interprets” the world in his own way … and always not in his favor. ”
Some are constantly anxious to adjust their behavior to the expectations of others. “The reason is the feeling“ I happened to be here by accident, I’m an ugly duckling among white swans, ”explains psychoanalyst Marie-Dominic Linder. – Especially this painful feeling is strong in adolescence. The teenager is doing his best to hide his dissimilarity so that his peers do not push him away, or expel him from their company. ” To become an adult means to overcome this crisis and assert oneself as a person.
What to do?
Understand the “story” of your feelings
Try to remember when the first painful feeling of rejection arose. What event has changed your attitude towards yourself? By understanding this, you can begin to control your experiences.
Try to freely tell about your feelings, write down your story. Humor helps make contact with people. Having said what you feel, you will slightly weaken the power of that image in whose captivity you live.
Open towards people
Do not wait until someone comes to your aid. Serious efforts are needed to build relationships. Take the first step, trying to see in another person an ally, not a potential offender.
Take it as a fact: you are different from others (as they are from you), and you do not need their approval in order to remain yourself. By refusing to live according to the evaluative view of others, you can finally grow up.
Tips for an outsider
How to help someone who feels rejected in any situation? In a conversation, focus on his opinion, emphasizing that his point of view is important to you. But at the same time, do not indulge, this will lead to the opposite effect: your interlocutor may feel addicted to you, which will increase his sense of rejection, because you cannot be constantly with him.
Be sincere in your intentions. The fact is that a person who considers himself useless to anyone doubts that he can arouse interest in himself. To convince him that he is truly worthy of attention and love, you can only sincerely communicating with him.
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