“Recently, a classmate called me and invited me to a meeting of graduates,” says 34-year-old Alexander. “I didn’t want to go, and that’s what I told her. I could think that I am busy, but I cannot lie, remain silent, or answer something vague. Because of this, I often find myself in an awkward position. “
In some situations, when it comes to not offending or hurting another person, it is preferable to hide the truth. In addition, in a society where everyone would say what he thinks, at the moment he thought it, it would be completely impossible to live.
“I can’t stand hypocrisy! I will not tell my friend that she has lost weight if she is not! ” – says 28-year-old Marina. At first glance, it seems that such a position implies a clear idea of myself: “I do not retreat before the truth, even if it turns out to be unpleasant.” But in fact, it often only hides strong negative experiences. Telling the unpleasant truth doesn’t mean being frank. Sometimes this is just a peculiar, often unconscious, way to “settle scores.”
“At this moment, aggression, resentment or a feeling of envy speaks in a person, and not at all a desire for truth,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochian. “Often people who have been humiliated a lot in life behave this way.”
But there is another reason: some are sure that they are better than others in something or in everything. “Their desire for love of truth betrays the desire to be a special, perfect person,” continues Margarita Zhamkochyan. – They consider it almost their duty to point out to others what they think are their shortcomings. A classic example: “I’m your best friend! Who but me will tell you the truth? “
“I am learning to relate to lies easier”
Anna, 25 years old, engineer
“I was 11 then. My parents and I were returning from Baku, and they warned me: “Soon we will be crossing the border, the customs officer will ask what we are carrying in our suitcases. Please be silent! ” But we bought a large can of black caviar on the market – why should we keep silent about this? This is how my career began as an advocate of truth. My boss often asks me if I can get the job done on time. It is in my interest to say yes, even if later I turn in the project a little later. However, having to lie confuses me: I don’t want to fall for a lie.
But now I began to change … Watching people who make false promises and come out dry, I decided to learn how to protect myself. I often say to myself: “If you don’t defend your own interests, who else will do it?” Therefore, I try to be flexible and treat lies easier. I must admit that since I began to allow myself small sins against the truth, it has become much easier for me to live! “
Fear of breaking the rule
If we meet with some “truth-lovers” such cruelty of “truth at any cost”, then at the other extreme is the shyness of those who are not capable of deceiving. Voice, glance, blush betray them at the slightest attempt to deceive. “I feel uneasy at the mere thought that I’ll have to hide the truth,” says 38-year-old Sonya. “It seems to me that my lies are obvious to others, and therefore I feel guilty in advance.”
“The fear of telling a lie is due to internal conflicts and internal prohibitions,” explains Margarita Zhamkochian. – If the parents were excessively strict, demanded that the child be impeccable in everything, then as an adult he will suffer every time he is forced to break the rules. But lying is one of those violations. He will also not be able to console himself with the fact that the circumstances are so, because he will be aware of the lie as his own choice. “
Such people may sometimes agree to deception for the benefit of another, but they never allow themselves to take advantage of it.
French social psychologist Claudine Bilan, relying on the research of American scientists, came to the conclusion that each of us is telling lies at least twice a day … Women – mainly because they do not want to offend the other, but men more often use lies to manipulate …
Our attitude to lying is not as straightforward as we used to think. As children, we are taught that lying is not good, and at the same time we are forced to pretend that we are delighted with a strange gift from our grandmother. The prohibition of lying and the teaching of lying as an indispensable rule of the social game are inextricably linked.
How to be? Do not forget that in addition to repulsive or selfish lies, there is a “noble” lie, which is almost a proof of love.
What to do?
Put yourself in the shoes of another
Ask yourself: Does the other person really want to hear the truth? If you were in his place, what would be best for you in this situation? Would you like to hear that you look very bad? Do you really think it will be helpful for your partner to learn about your adventures? Before you speak, try to imagine the consequences of your words, their impact on those who are dear to you.
Do not strive to be perfect
Remember that you are an ordinary person and no one is demanding absolute truthfulness from you. Do not overestimate the importance of truth: forbidding yourself to lie means taking an extremist position that is incompatible with human relationships, which are based on respect for the other. Think about the words of Albert Camus: “I believe in justice, but first I will defend my mother, and then justice.” The point is that you should understand: maintaining relationships with loved ones is more important than striving to live up to the ideal.