How we understand loyalty


“They always leave me …”

Some are cheated on, thrown over and over again. But maybe they unconsciously … want this? This is how psychoanalysis explains these recurring stories.

“This is terrible. This is the third time I’ve been thrown – the same thing always happens! ” We have all heard a similar phrase at least once. It is pronounced more often by women who find it easier than men to admit their misfortunes in their personal lives – and we all know what conclusions they draw from this experience. What happened becomes either a confirmation of a congenital flaw (“I am a fool, everyone deceives me”), or a phenomenon of fate, from which one cannot escape (“And so it always is!”).

Such a belief is so deeply rooted that it makes no sense to prove to these women (and men) that they are not really who they think, or to promise that everything will work out tomorrow. The only thing a psychoanalyst can do is to talk about what he knows from his own experience. If a person is thrown over and over again, neither fate nor a congenital defect has anything to do with it. This is a manifestation of the unconscious, a consequence of the repetition of the situation.

Oddly enough, every time we force ourselves to quit, because we involuntarily and unconsciously strive to be thrown. Why? Because in this way a person recreates the most important relationships of his personal history. This relationship once led to the fact that between the “other” and “leaves”, “other” and “disappears” there was an equal sign.

Sometimes this is a very old story: “my mother threw me on my grandmother’s shoulders …”, “when my sister was born, my father stopped taking an interest in me,” “I adored my grandfather; I was four when he died, and I immediately felt abandoned “,” I had a nanny until I was five, but my parents suddenly took and fired her “- and so on and so forth. The model in which “the other stops loving me” is always hidden in the depths of our childhood. It often happens that, only by re-feeling the scar from this first betrayal and re-experiencing the previous pain, we can finally escape from the world where the other always justifies the worst expectations.

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