Assessment of the emotional state is an extremely subjective thing. For one, a happy marriage is one that gives a sense of stability, the other is happy as long as the marriage does not limit freedom, but supports and gives energy. However, family counselors Helen and Jerry Dusterstein talked with a sufficiently large number of couples at times of crisis to try to deduce a certain pattern. Here are some signs of an unhappy marriage, according to which experts suggest checking yourself.
1. Low self-esteem, chronic anxiety or depression
People in unhappy relationships are more prone to negative emotional states. Among them, there is a high level of neurosis and mental illness, which, in turn, exacerbate the feeling of dissatisfaction with the family situation.
2. Lack of intimacy and affection
Physical intimacy distinguishes romantic relationships from everyone else. If we no longer have sex or if one of us feels rejected intimately, there are probably deeper problems in the pair. Sexual relationships often reflect the quality of the emotional connection and the level of satisfaction with marriage, Helen and Jerry Dusterstein are sure.
3. Accumulated irritation
Those small “oddities”, personal characteristics, habits that once seemed sweet (or at least tolerant) now cause negative emotional reactions – for example, irritation or even disgust.
4. No one listens, no one is heard
“Listening” is the most effective way to show love. When a partner listens to us, we feel that we are important and appreciated. Although not everyone is given a hearing, this skill can be developed.
First of all, a complete presence is necessary, which means that all distracting factors must be eliminated. It is important not only to be as attentive as possible and try to understand the person you are talking to, but also to control facial expressions, emotions, and the body. We seem to be fading into the background and at the same time trying to take the place of the speaker.
When a person gives others compassion and compassion, the chances of full communication are greatly increased.
5. Replacing a partner with others
Instead of coping with problems in relations with a spouse, many prefer to contact friends. They help to be distracted and avoid conflicts with a partner.
6. “Inevitable riders” of divorce
Here Helen and Jerry Duberstein include criticism and accusations, a defensive position and a refusal to take responsibility, contempt and sarcasm, emotional disconnection and sabotage.
7. Fantasies about life without a spouse
Imagining a happy life without a partner, we renounce him and the problems associated with him. Such a mental escape robs us of the energy that is needed for the development or “repair” of marriage.
8. Emotional or physical betrayal
The Internet erodes the concept of “treason.” If earlier this was understood as a very specific action, now it is possible to change, as if doing nothing, not going anywhere. In fact, cheating can occur in the presence of the other spouse at the common dining table, when one of you flirts with someone on the phone. But both physical and virtual infidelities equally clearly speak of problems in the relationship of the spouses.
9. Diverging paths
If my partner and I have a different worldview, values, dreams and goals, then the life that we imagined on our wedding day may no longer feel like “happily ever after.”
If you do not discuss your hopes, dreams and fears and do not try to resolve the differences that arise, our trajectories may soon turn into rapidly diverging lines of life.
Secrets and silence
If the listed nine signs lie on the surface and you can find them even if you are a direct participant in the relationship, then those mentioned by life coach Mitzi Bockman are far from obvious.
Bockman describes situations that many perceive as normal marital behavior, but in fact these are symptoms of toxic marriage. “I had many secrets from my husband,” she recalls. “I did not talk to him about how I felt for him.” I did not vaccinate our son until he was five years old and told my spouse about it. I didn’t pay bills for several months, but I pretended to be surprised when the phone was turned off. Secretly hated the short-sleeved shirts that her husband wore in the summer to the office. I discussed all this with friends, but not with him. They supported me and in a sense replaced my spouse. ”
Bockman’s secrets were not real secrets, but she hid many little things to avoid scandals and protect herself.
If you do not share with your partner what you think may upset him, you most likely have cause for concern
“Now I know that secrets can kill a marriage,” she admits. – If two people who decided to build a life together cannot share small things with each other, then their marriage is most likely doomed. Even if they think they are lying to protect their partner, in fact they betray him with their silence. ”
So, if you don’t share with your partner what you think may upset him, you most likely have a reason for concern. Another reason for thinking the life coach considers “silence”: “Silence means a lack of communication and the fact that grievances are held and remain unspoken.”
When life goes on, and partners have long been accustomed to each other, it is not easy to notice a change in relationship. We often catch ourselves only when our life together turns into a round-the-clock drama. But, as with any ailment, early diagnosis (and clarification of the essence of conflicts) can become the key to successful “treatment”.