We are often torn apart by opposite feelings – the desire for change and at the same time fear of them, because it is not known what will happen next. Someone cannot decide on anything: “I don’t like this job, but I’m afraid to leave for another, because…”. But sometimes changes are chosen for us, they burst into life without asking. How to adapt and extract the benefits even in a seemingly negative situation?
Between routine and impressions
The author of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, argued that people are driven by one or another need, which he called “hunger.” He distinguished three main types of it (provided that the basic needs are satisfied – for safety, food and drink, sleep): hunger for incentives, for recognition and for structure. And it is the combination of these needs or the imbalance that drives us to change.
Claude Steiner, a follower of Berne, described in the book the so-called stroking as an important form of satisfying hunger for stimuli, without which the life of any person – small or adult – is impossible.
For a child, stroking is necessary in the literal sense – touches, kisses, a mother’s smile, hugs. Without them, according to numerous studies, children lag behind in development. As we grow up, we continue to satisfy our hunger for stimuli, but now we replace or supplement physical strokes with social ones.
That is why “likes” on social networks, compliments from acquaintances and strangers, encouraging words of loved ones are so important to us. We want to hear from another: “I notice you.” Even if our name is pronounced in a new company or situation, we will partially satisfy the hunger for recognition.
When there is no plan, no to-do list, we lose our footing. We want predictability, we want to know what the future holds
Have you noticed that newcomers to companies show initiative in every possible way, try to be attentive to everyone, and rush to serve? Having worked in the team for many years, we have already received our share of “likes”, we do not need to prove our own importance, and for beginners this is a priority task.
But sometimes it is the lack of fresh incentives that makes us go on the hunt for novelty. Hunger for incentives prevents us from enduring long routine and isolation. A familiar place of work, functionality familiar to the gnashing of teeth, the same hobbies one day turn from a comfort zone into a discomfort zone filled with boredom.
For a breath of fresh air, we are ready to take the risk. It is important for us to feel alive, and drowning in routine, we lose this feeling. This is where the thirst for change comes from!
But even when we are ready to start changing our lives, a third hunger puts a spoke in our wheels – hunger for structure. We often don’t know what to do with our free time. When there is no plan, no to-do list, we lose our footing. We want predictability, we want to know what awaits us in the future.
Clarify your future
So that the future does not frighten, so that we can look ahead and move on, we need to take several steps.
Step 1. Set the right goal. What do we expect from change? Formulate a goal. If it is global and voluminous, break it down into intermediate goals and objectives. When the changes – both planned and unexpected – are over, we want to return to stability, to reach a new level – financial or spiritual, we want to get some advantages and bonuses. It’s not for nothing that they say that everything is for the best.
Step 2. Thank and let go of the past. When change hits us, we start bargaining with ourselves, digging into the past. “It was necessary to act differently”, “Eh, if I went back now, I would then …”, “And if I had not made this decision?”, “Why did I disobey her or him then?”, “Why should I bought that ticket or ticket? “
Many people stop at the very beginning, endlessly look for the guilty ones and go through possible solutions in the past. But life is not a computer game, we cannot go back to the previous level and go through it again. But we can accept what happened and think about how to deal with it now. We can make the most of the change for ourselves.
And the past must be thanked and said goodbye to him. Sometimes visuals help. Come up with your own and let go with gratitude.
Step 3. Check the goal for environmental friendliness, does it conflict with your values. Let’s say your goal is to take a higher position, but at the same time your girlfriend will be fired. They tell you: “We will fire her anyway, whoever takes her position.” If this is a business for you and nothing personal, most likely the goal is environmentally friendly for you. If you can’t take the girlfriend’s place, the goal is toxic to you.
Or you decide to launch a project with a turnover of 1 million rubles a month in six months, but something tells you that the goal is unrealistic. But you really want it. Realizing that the goal is unattainable, you will in every possible way postpone the implementation of the project. So, maybe you just need to move the deadline or reduce the size of the desired turnover at first?
Being honest with yourself can sometimes work wonders. Ask yourself what you really want
It is even more dangerous to sew two or more into one target at once. And these goals clash and pull in different directions, like a swan, cancer and pike. For example, one woman said: “First, I’ll give birth to a child, and only then I’ll launch my own exhibition.”
Perhaps she was not ready to get pregnant, and somewhere deep inside she understood that she was ready for the exhibition much more. But all the girlfriends have got families, and my mother will say no, no, that it’s time to give her grandchildren. As a result, neither one nor the other goal was realized.
Being honest with yourself can sometimes work wonders. Ask yourself what you really want. And don’t make your goals dependent on each other.
Step 4. Notice and watch out for new opportunities. If the goal is chosen correctly, then quite unexpectedly, the necessary events, the necessary information, the right people who will lead you to it will begin to appear in your life. No mysticism. You just start to focus on what is important to you. And you will begin to “extract” from the data array those that are relevant to you.
But it is not enough to see an opportunity – you need to realize it. And when your chance flies past you – just don’t miss it.
Step 5. Collect information. Change is frightening with uncertainty. And the best way to overcome fear is to eliminate illiteracy. We do it in an adult way, without rose-colored glasses. Although, of course, sometimes I really want to be Assol, for whom everything will be done by Gray, who accidentally swam on the ship.
Where to get information? From open and preferably reliable sources. Also, find those who have followed a similar path. Are you going to get a new profession? Talk to those who have already done this. It is better to interview several people, then the picture will be larger. So, the information has been collected, the goal has been set. Now is the time to make a plan.
Step 6. Write a plan and estimate resources. If you want as few surprises as possible along the path of change, make a strategic plan. And for each item – a tactical plan.
You had to move to another city. We need an apartment, work, school and kindergarten for children. Set deadlines and priorities – what can wait and what is urgent. What resources are needed for implementation? Who can help? You will have to negotiate with the school yourself, but friends or relatives will help you find the right school in the right area. And so on all counts.
Follow the plan at all costs. It is tempting to overload it with items. You know yourself like no one else – your pace, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities, your strengths. Choose a realistic pace. Limit yourself to a few but realistic points.
Step 7. Surround yourself with the right people. It is extremely difficult to experience changes, quickly adapt to them, see subtle places alone. Even if you are a devout introvert, this is a time to ask for help and support. And it is better to do it in a circle of like-minded people.
Create a support group of those who believe in you and your strength, who are ready to support in word and deed. Cut off unnecessary contacts. When everything changes, we need a power saving mode. All our energy should be spent on achieving the goal and supporting ourselves, our resource.
Alas, a lot of energy is spent on neutralizing those who doubt us, who draw attention to themselves. Or just involuntarily distracts from the main goal. For example, you were on the parent committee, but now, on the eve of moving to another city, give up your social work or find yourself a replacement. And even more so, stop relationships and communication with those who undermine your faith in yourself.
Step 8. Audit your roles. Mom / dad, wife / husband, specialist, daughter, girlfriend / friend, manager, employee. Which of these roles comes to the fore in an era of change? Is the child sick? The role of the mother comes first. All the rest recede into the shadows. This is normal in an emergency. Sooner or later, the acute phase will pass, and other roles will gradually activate.
But this is not always obvious to the partner, and sometimes to ourselves. It is very important to be aware of and accept this. With a partner, leader, mom, friends, calmly discuss and explain what is happening in your life now, how it will change your role as an employee, boss, subordinate, wife, husband, daughter, son. And so – for all roles.
See where you need support and understanding – in what role? What is your main role now rich in and how can it be strengthened and supported? For example, agree with the management and work at home in order to be closer to a sick son or daughter for the first time. Relax yourself, recharge with energy, walks, sports. Sleep a lot and eat right.
Step 9. Believe in yourself. This is perhaps the most important thing. Even if it seems to you that right now you don’t know where to go, where to start, you don’t know how to quickly step from black to white stripe, tell yourself what Scarlett O’Hara said: “I’ll think of something. Morning will come and tomorrow will be a completely different day! “