When life has become like a vicious circle, and all attempts to break out of it fail, do not rush to blame yourself. The problem is not character and lack of willpower. To change something, you need resources, but where to get them?
There are two factors that hinder a joyful stay in the present moment and active movement forward – the experience of the past and anxiety about the future. Unfinished stories from the past drain resources. You are returning to obsolete states again, chewing grievances, replaying painful conversations in your head and pulling at wounds.
This is a mental gum, on which the brain spends so much energy that it is not able to pay attention to the present moment. When the door to the past is open, the present blows it out in a draft. And the future is being built in the present, which is stuck in the past and replays the same film. Unsurprisingly, all the energy is spent controlling the past, which cannot be changed.
Imagine you are a puzzle. It turns out that only 30% of the picture reflects reality, everything else is a phantom
Therefore, the future seems so unknown, scary and alarming. We develop a symptom called “squandering”: we expend energy on travel – from point A, where everything has already happened, to point C, where nothing is known yet. Point B, in which our life is currently taking place, becomes a dead center.
To get out of this state, you need to take three steps that do not require a lot of energy. But before proceeding with them, remember: “The past is invariable, the future is unknown, and the present is beautiful.”
Step 1. Forgive yourself
The main thing that “well-wishers” who say: “pull yourself together, rag,” “just start doing,” “the one walking will master the road,” is the lack of energy to start something new. So the first thing you need to do is stop. If you press on the gas when the car stalls, you will get bogged down even more. Stop and look around. Become that contemplator for yourself who sees everything without judgment.
Do not blame yourself, but on the contrary, sincerely, with joy and love for yourself, with respect for your uniqueness, say: “I forgive myself.” Accept all your facets, no matter how unattractive they may seem. Turn to yourself with the words: “Yes, maybe I’m not hardworking enough, yes, I’m lazy, yes, I made a number of mistakes, I was rude, ignorant, angry, envious. Yes, I was shy or, on the contrary, impudent. ” It is important to accept all this on a par with the facets for which you have always been loved.
By the way, about those faces for which we are loved. Another channel into which we mercilessly drain resources is the desire to please everyone. Be the right, good girl. Answer yourself honestly: did it make you happy?
Do you know what a good girl really is? This is a comfortable girl. Trying to please everyone is an unhealthy, neurotic state
If in communication with a person you try to satisfy his needs and expectations, then you lose your authenticity. A good girl is, of course, wonderful, but only when she knows her worth. Therefore, all you have to do is stop and acknowledge your imperfection. And in all its splendor, forgive yourself.
If there is a large layer of guilt in your unconscious, then the soil you are treading is a swamp. It is impossible to move forward. Only by stopping, forgiving yourself, realizing the part that has been in the shadow side for a long time, can you feel the solid ground under your feet. But to think is not to do. Therefore, the next step is important, transforming awareness into action.
Step 2. Clear the area around
Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you need to immediately start spring cleaning on three fronts: at home, in the information field, and in the body. Start by cleaning up your house. Get rid of all rubbish and unnecessary things, especially those that remind you of the past. You need to get rid of excess before you start cleaning the floor.
If your inner beliefs keep you from throwing things away, give them to those in need. You can’t even imagine how many skirts and blouses you have not taken out of the closet for many years. And you carry all this with you like bricks in your pockets.
The second point in which you conduct a spring cleaning is your information field, personal space occupied by other people. Carefully flip through your phone, laptop, notebook: those who are not emotionally connected with you are hiding there, but taking up space in the mobile continues to draw energy. All these names and dialogues are like dead souls filling the space of your life.
Existential Despair: What Lack of Purpose in Life Leads to
If you still haven’t deleted negative messages, then most likely you don’t want to get rid of these emotions. This has a masochistic meaning: to store what hurts. The happiest people are those who lost their phone or laptop. They have a field of emptiness, which they fill with what they need.
And the third point where you do a spring cleaning is your body. It remembers everything: your feelings, experiences, emotional outbursts, falls and rises. These are stones written in the body in the form of blocks and clamps, and your task is to free yourself from them.
How to carry out general cleaning of the body? Here everyone has their own keys. There are many ways to unblock the body, give an outlet for energy: yoga, breathing exercises, all dance psychological practices and just dancing. The main thing is to pay attention to the body.
Step 3. Ask yourself the right questions
The last step is a technique that will help you form an image of yourself in the moment. It is called “three questions”. The first is: “What do I want next?” There is a catch in the wording: the word “further” is somewhere very far away. Everything that lies beyond the present day is seen as a big goal and a big dream.
Here you can also find relief through letting go of tension: no need to strain, further – not so far. In fact, this is the next moment. If you want to get up at this moment and open the window, put on the kettle, wipe off the dust, drink tea – these are the right answers to questions.
The faster you satisfy the requirement, desire, the more satisfaction in the moment you will receive. Ask yourself this question and listen to the answer from the depths of yourself, not from the mind. Not necessary, but I want. After completing the first wish, note the feelings that you feel because you did what you wanted.
The second question – “How is today different from yesterday?” If the first question can be asked to yourself during the day, then this one – only in the evening, when things are completed, you are calm and relaxed. Don’t try to judge the days: today is better (worse) than yesterday, and vice versa. The challenge is to mark the difference.
Let’s say it rained yesterday, today it was not. Yesterday for lunch kharcho, and today I ate borscht. Yesterday I decided to put on sandals, today I was in sneakers. The purpose of the practice is to show that your life is not just not static, but it changes every hour. So you track the movement of life, learn to notice little things.
The third question is “What’s with my dream?” If you need to ask yourself the first two questions every day, then the third one is more global. Enough once a week. It is necessary to revise goals and desires. What you dream about, what you go to, can change throughout your life.
So, as a child, it seemed to us that our biggest dream is to buy a kilogram of sweets, eat it and become happy. Now, even if we buy two kilograms of sweets, they are unlikely to make us happy. We change, our dreams change with us.
If at some point you realize that the dream you have been pursuing for so long and persistently is no longer yours, do not be afraid to correct it or abandon it altogether. At the same time ask yourself: why do I no longer want this? And answer honestly to yourself: “Because I have changed, now I don’t need it.” When you can accept the possibility of change, you will allow yourself to do what you really want to do.