In the days of the beautiful knights and the ladies of the heart who were waiting for them, this was hardly possible. The distances were long, they lived a little, and there was no time to exchange for strange games in communications. Now the world has moved along with all its feelings and thoughts to smartphones and computers, and long distances collapsed to one click. And you no longer have to ride a horse for a month to confess your love to a beautiful princess, who will also ask you three riddles, and it’s good if you stay alive.
Today relationships break out in an instant and disappear in an instant, sometimes in a very strange way. There are even special names for such incomprehensible tricks in communication. Coach, personal and couples consultant from Hamburg, author of several books on relationships and emotional addiction, Eric Hermann, explains the essence of new trends and how to behave in such situations.
One of the partners suddenly stops communicating without explaining anything to the other. Disappears like a ghost. Ignores any attempts to talk and find out the reasons. Messages in Whatsapp can be marked as read, but there will be no response. Even if you met and everything seemed to be fine. This can happen even when your relationship has already begun to transition to enduring attachment. After all, you spent a lot of time together. And therefore, for someone who has undergone ghosting, such a disappearance can become not only painful, but also traumatic.
“What have I done wrong? What am I to blame? ” The list of questions to yourself is endless. The one who chose to become a ghost is cowardly, Eric Hermann is sure, otherwise he would have directly said that he is not satisfied, or that he found another or another, or explained that he is now in a difficult period and needs to understand himself. Any intelligible explanation would be a solution to the problem. But he is not capable of this. His strategy is to escape. Where its roots come from, let his personal psychotherapist understand.
How to react? You must remember that you are not guilty of anything. Do not make assumptions about what “major obstacles” have prevented him from finding a way to contact you. When we need to, we go through the walls. But he or she did not. The “guest” has some psychological processes and internal conflicts of his own. You shouldn’t waste time and energy on a ghost, wait for an answer from him. Try to recover from an unpleasant incident as soon as possible. Instead, focus on those who have a serious interest in you and for whom you are more than just another phone number in their contact list.
This is the Jesuit form of Ghosting. When a partner first elevates the other, showers with attention, generous compliments, declarations of love almost from the first date. This, by the way, should alert you – after all, you understand that serious feelings take time. And in one or two days they will definitely not appear. But you miss the compliments and adoration so much!
And now, when you are emotionally fully involved in the relationship and are almost one hundred percent sure that you have met the love of your life, you get a blow in the stomach and acute pain. Your “beloved” suddenly turns a switch. It disappears from radar, calls and messages are ignored, appointments are canceled or skipped.
How to react? The danger of this type of toxic relationship is that, once you find yourself in the epicenter, you can lose faith in successful acquaintances and your partner’s sincerity for a long time. And you will feel a catch in all the compliments. Keep in mind: not every man or woman behaves this way. In fact, these people make up a fairly small proportion of the world’s population. What’s important when dating is quickly recognizing and avoiding these characters. And the first signal is a too abundant and inadequate flow of compliments, and even more so talk about marriage, big plans for the future and great love for life. See? The red light is on!
It is very similar to ghosting and bridging. But its difference is that in such a relationship you are a consolation prize, an intermediate station. The partner also showered you with a stream of oil and compliments, making grandiose joint plans. And this is a deliberate manipulation, and not a sincere momentary impulse. He is flattered that you are pecking at his bait, thank you enthusiastically. But he knows that your delight is just dope for him. This is how he raises his self-esteem.
This is often the behavior of individuals prone to narcissism. They love not you, but your love for yourself. And the faster they light it up, the more exciting and interesting they are. Having tasted the pleasure of victory, they, like the first two cases, leave you, announcing that they are not ready for a serious relationship. And six months later, they announce on social networks about an imminent wedding – but, of course, not with you. You have already fulfilled your role for him – you helped his ego swell to new record sizes.
How to react? The worst thing about this form of relationship is that the one who is hurt is left with the feeling of being used. Actually, the way it is, no matter how sad it is to admit it. But there is an antidote at the start of dating. Are you told and promised a lot? We all sometimes fall into childhood, and we want to believe in fairy tales, especially in the wake of euphoria.
Eric Hermann recommends to “test reality” more often – to check words with deeds, at least, as a maximum – to include critical thinking. Ask the question: how will you do this, how will my life be arranged then? Often, when the conversation comes to details and concrete actions, the “storyteller” cannot answer anything intelligible, except “I will take you to the edge of the Universe and give you stars.” But I would like to see the starship and find out the fare. And also listen to your intuition – it often gives signals, but you really don’t want to believe them!
Gosters and masters, surprisingly, may return. They can “think again”, decide that they got excited. But it will again be a “gypsy with an exit.” They will suddenly like your post or photo. Sometimes it will be a photograph very old. And you will be surprised: wow, he worked so hard to find it in the depths of my account. Maybe I’m still not indifferent to him? Or he will leave a short comment showing you: I am here.
But the name speaks for itself: we are being kept in orbit. We do not fly past this strange character like a comet. He keeps us at such a distance so that we are under his supervision and know about it. But in direct contact – in messages, by phone, and even more so in a personal meeting – they do not enter.
How to react? You don’t understand what’s going on. You are completely at a loss: if we parted without explanation and I did not suit him, why does he make himself felt? The simplest and surest thing that you can do is to ban the “orbiter” in all social networks, platforms, and add his number to the blacklist of the phone. So that he does not have access to your profile anywhere. Only in this way will he understand that you are free from him. But if you find yourself on the verge again, be strong and never forget how he treated you, the coach recommends. Nobody deserves such treatment.
Your partner keeps you on the bench. He sends you messages from time to time, he can invite you for a cup of coffee. And it seems that you see his interest, he is charming, courteous, by all indications – he likes you, but will never wait for the next step.
Sometimes such communication never leaves the virtual space into the real one. They may correspond with you for weeks, and quite frankly, but they will not offer to meet. Your partner is not sure that you are the best thing he has met in life. It is necessary to hold you close, but not to “get stuck” seriously – suddenly someone perfect will meet.
How to react? No one likes to roast over low heat. You don’t understand what the matter is. How much longer to wait? Openness, honesty, real closeness, not fantasizing about it, are what we expect from a relationship. A contact that does not give this is a barren flower. Are you ready to talk openly about not wanting to sit on the bench?
This is a light format ghosting. Your partner disappears into space. But he does it gently, gradually, without abrupt amputation of our soul. The name comes from the cute cartoon ghost of Casper. You met, spent time together, said pleasant nonsense to each other. It seemed that you were very close, and deep down you dreamed of a joint future. Only nothing came of it.
But unlike ghosting, caspering involves an explanation. “Look, I had a good time, but there’s no spark, sorry.” Or “Thanks for a good time, you are very nice, beautiful, but I just don’t have great feelings, you know? I’m sorry”. Sometimes the future ghost gradually reduces communication to nothing, without explaining anything. And what to explain? And so everything is clear.
How to react? This way of ending the relationship will cause sediment and some pain. But, you must admit, this is less painful than in cases of ghosting or bridging. Thanks for at least explaining. Pay attention at the beginning of the relationship to any signals of intuition: he promises a lot, but does little? Or you feel that there really is no spark, the messages have become dry and rare, but you persistently convince yourself that this is temporary and everything will be fine – then you should not prolong such a relationship and build illusions.
It literally means “to feed with bread crumbs.” It’s a fairly common phenomenon for online dating. It is a contact filled with false expectations. Here, unlike benching, there is a place for real interest and flirting. But the goals are completely different than in a healthy relationship, where flirting is just a bridge for a further date.
Typical breadcrumbs are short comments below Instagram photos, spontaneous text messages such as “Just thinking of you,” or numerous likes and emoticons that are posted over and over again. And so it can drag on for weeks and months. So? Nothing. Often these methods are resorted to by those who want to feed their ego at your expense, but you will never get enough of it with bread crumbs.
Often such “breadwinners” are already in relationships in real life, are not satisfied with them, but they do not want to change anything or do not dare. In the safe environment of a smartphone, they increase their self-esteem, indulge male or female self-esteem, seeing that they have received a portion of interest in their address.
How to react? To end this relationship – nothing will come of it. Why would you work as a power plant for the benefit of another, without getting anything in return? And let’s think in realities: nothing was supposed to replace it, it was originally a game with only one goal.