Some partners do not talk during intimacy, do not discuss their desires, and do not describe their feelings simply because it prevents them from focusing on sensations. If they start talking, their bodily sensations become less vivid. In this case, you should warn your partner about this. You still have non-verbal ways of expression at your disposal: moans, sighs, interjections.
But what if we are just embarrassed by conversations before, during and after sex? If we do not dare to utter the words that are just asking for the tongue? If you don’t know what to say and how to say? If you are not sure about your partner’s reaction? Can all this be learned? Such a conversation is completely natural, sexologist Irina Panyukova reassures. In her opinion, everyone can master the art of erotic conversation. Here are some recommendations from a sexologist.
1. Do a rehearsal
Watch and listen to how movie heroes speak on erotic topics, how to pronounce such words. Read erotic prose such as classics such as Dangerous Liaisons by Chauderlos de Laclos, Lady Chatterley’s Lover by David Herbert Lawrence, Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.
Feel the words that you think reflect your feelings, evoke an emotional response. Perhaps you will find some humorous phrases with a slight playful touch that will be easier to pronounce. You can read funny captions to erotic pictures on the Internet. Remember that humor always makes things easier when we find it difficult to do something because of guilt, anxiety, or shame.
When you’re alone, try saying these words or phrases out loud. Speak them with different intonations. Recite in front of the mirror several times. Try to write them. Listen to what is happening inside you, what triggers a greater response and what is easier for you to pronounce. Having tried and mastered these words, do not say them immediately to your partner, but first send them in the messenger or write on a postcard.
2. Write your stories
Write an erotic story or an erotic tale. What does it do? On the one hand, you put your fantasies and thoughts into words, but at the same time you seem to be writing not about yourself, but about fictional characters. This removes the barriers of guilt and shame. You can write a story just for yourself. Or show your partner if you feel they like it.
Another option: if the use of some medical terms in a conversation with your partner seems to you emotionally emasculated, try with him to come up with your own names for your genitals or give them names. You can think of a fairy tale about these heroes. Names can be used not only in person. A message like “Sly Fox sends greetings to pioneer Pete” will surely be greeted with laughter. This again helps to remove barriers, liberates both.
3. Approach from afar
It happens that we hesitate to talk freely about sex, because we are not sure that our partner will like it. In this case, try reading erotic prose together. Or send your partner a link to some erotic story, article about erotica and ask him to read. And then ask what he thinks about it.
Watch a movie together where the characters are talking about erotic topics, and see how your partner reacts to this. If so, take a note and try using the same vocabulary. If it’s negative, then you shouldn’t do it. When you feel uncomfortable about bringing up your fantasies directly, do it in the form of playing forfeits with your partner.
4. Progress step by step
If it is very important for you to talk about your fantasies, and your partner hates it, you need to act patiently and methodically, gradually leading him to such conversations, and even more so to the realization of fantasies in a form that is safe for him. For example, if you watched an erotic film together and your partner rejected it, discuss it in a joking manner, and then come back to this conversation from time to time. Then, for some solemn event, for example, for your birthday, ask your partner to make you a gift – to fulfill your fantasy.
Another option: in some special romantic setting, fulfill the desire of your partner, and then ask in return to do what you want. If he refuses, do not worry, do not despair, but very kindly and calmly move in the chosen direction. Do not press in any way, but look for an approach to it, best of all in a humorous form so that it does not look like violence. Offer to experiment, promising that no one will know about it: “Let’s play for three minutes. As if it’s not us. “
The most important thing is not to dramatize the problem. We need to look for ways out of it – eco-friendly, cheerful, with a sense of humor. If you find yourself “on the other side” when your partner started talking to you about his fantasies, and you are confused, remember that at this moment he is very vulnerable. Be delicate. But if his fantasy threatens your well-being (for example, it is associated with rudeness, violence, pain), answer firmly “no”.