No matter how happy and prosperous your relationship may be, disagreements, disputes and quarrels are inevitable. Everyone is sometimes overcome by anger and other violent emotions, which is why even in the healthiest relationships conflicts arise. The main thing is to learn how to quarrel correctly.
Relationship problems are natural, but in order for them not to destroy your couple, you need to learn effective communication and “smart” ways to argue. Why do happy couples quarrel? In any relationship, a partner can freak out, he may feel threatened, or simply not in the mood. Serious disagreements can also arise. All this easily leads to disputes and quarrels.
As a result, even in prosperous couples, partners begin to behave like hysterical capricious children, angrily slamming cabinet doors, stamping their feet, rolling their eyes and shouting. They often go to bed like this, harboring resentment against each other. If this happens occasionally in your family, this is not yet a reason for panic. Do not think that in happy families, spouses never make scandals or that they do not have nervous breakdowns.
Fortunately, you don’t have to be perfect for a lasting marriage. The tendency to quarrel is inherent in us by evolution. “The human brain is more equipped for fighting than love. Therefore, it is better for couples not to avoid conflicts and disputes. Negative emotions do not need to be suppressed, it is better to learn how to quarrel correctly, ”explains family therapist Stan Tatkin. This skill distinguishes quarrels in happy couples from quarrels in dysfunctional couples.
Rules for a reasonable showdown
- remember that the brain is inherently conflict-tuned;
- learn to read your partner’s mood by facial expressions and body language;
- if you see that your partner is upset about something, try to help, try to be open and friendly;
- argue only face to face, looking into each other’s eyes;
- never sort things out by phone, text or in the car;
- remember that the goal is to win for both of you.
Another feature of “correct” quarrels is the ratio of positive and negative elements of the conflict. Research by psychologist John Gottman shows that in stable and happy marriages during conflict, the ratio of positive to negative is about 5 to 1, and in unstable couples – 8 to 1.
Positive elements of conflict
Here are some tips from Dr. Gottman to help you turn your fight back on track:
- if the conversation threatens to escalate into a conflict, try to be as gentle as possible;
- don’t forget about humor. An appropriate joke will help defuse the situation;
- try to calm down and calm your partner;
- try to make up and go towards your partner if he offers peace;
- be prepared to compromise;
- if you hurt each other during an argument, discuss it.
Here is the answer to the question why even happy couples sometimes quarrel. Quarrels naturally arise in any close relationship. Your goal is not to try to avoid scandals at any cost, but to learn how to sort things out correctly. A successfully resolved conflict can bring you closer and teach you to better understand each other.