Desires one, but marries another: why is this happening?


The “Madonna-Whore Complex”, as psychologists call it, can wake up in any man. After many years of marriage, the beloved woman begins to be perceived as a “virgin Madonna”, the mother of children and a reliable friend you can rely on. Sexual attraction to her recedes, and the couple needs a mutual effort to regain the lost sense of newness.

“If both are capable of treating the union as creativity and the future is both dear to them, this is quite possible,” says psychologist Marina Miaus. – Sometimes the splitting into two images is hypertrophied in the imagination of a man: he creates an alliance with someone whom he values, respects and considers a potentially good mother, but he has sexual attraction to women of a different kind. They are the ones associated with the ability to let go of their sexual fantasies. “

How the Madonna-Harlot complex is born

It all starts in infancy, when the child is still devoid of a sense of shame and is not familiar with social norms of behavior, and the mother for him is the whole world in which he is protected, fed, feels serene and comfortable. “The baby experiences a huge range of feelings: he enjoys the warmth of the body, breast milk and experiences an unconscious sexual desire for his mother,” the psychologist explains. – But very soon the outside world imposes bans on the boy and sets boundaries.

The baby grows up, and it turns out to be impossible for him: at any moment to receive his mother’s breast, sleep with her in the same bed, walk naked. They laugh at the boy when he confesses his love to his mother and wants to marry her. The child begins to suppress his sexual impulses, and a kind of splitting occurs in his consciousness.

The kid feels that the previous passionate bodily feelings towards the mother are impossible, and her image is idealized. He allows himself only admiration and platonic affection. And the more carnal desires the child was forbidden, the more likely it is that the unconscious separation of these two feminine principles in adulthood will prevail. This can also happen if a boy grows up with a very cold mother, stingy with emotions and feelings, and any manifestation of physicality is condemned in the family. “

Repressed children’s feelings do not go anywhere, and carnal desires begin to be perceived as something forbidden.

The complex “Madonna – Harlots” can also be aggravated by the family circumstances faced by the growing child. If a boy is an indirect witness to his father’s betrayal, he hears conversations about this and sees that what is happening makes his mother suffer, then he involuntarily projects negative feelings onto the homeless woman, which he later associates with the sexual side of the relationship.

However, the repressed children’s feelings do not go anywhere, and carnal desires begin to be perceived as something forbidden, which can only be allowed with someone who is a priori unworthy to become a life companion.

“Men who live with this complex often create love triangles: they have a family and a mistress on the side,” explains psychotherapist Elena Astrakhanskaya. – Respect and care goes to the wife, and love goes to the other woman. Often all three sides suffer from this. “

Can the situation be changed?

It is possible, but only if the man himself seeks to change her. It is possible to deal with internal attitudes both with the support of a psychologist and independently.

“You can write them out point by point and challenge them at the same time,” suggests Marina Miaus. For example, why do you think that if a woman has sex on the first date, then she is licentious and cannot be relied on? Try to act as a symbolic “advocate” of such a woman and a “prosecutor” of your convictions. In modern society, it’s okay to have sex on the first date if both partners are happy with it. And this does not in any way mean the potential tendency of a woman to be unfaithful.

If you have sexual fantasies that you are not fulfilling with your regular partner, consider what is holding you back. Try to challenge your internal arguments. Thus, you realize that the world is by no means black and white, and gradually recreate the holistic image of a woman. “

The partner is used to a certain relationship model. Your task is to break it. This is often not easy.

Can a woman influence the situation if she is not ready to put up with the role of “Madonna”? “No, she will not be able to radically change anything when the man himself is not ready for this,” says Elena Astrakhanskaya. Getting out of a destructive relationship or accepting the current situation is her personal choice. However, if your partner wants to change the scenario of the relationship, you can help him.

“A woman often gets used to this role and is afraid to seem“ bad ”to a man: uncomfortable, not soft enough and inclined to compromise,” the expert explains. – However, it is important to allow yourself to show all the facets of your “I” and remove “holiness”: not try to meet halfway in everything, put your needs at the forefront and live your own life more than the interests of your family and partner. This transformation often helps to regain a man’s sensual interest, even if at first he is wary and negative about it.

The partner is used to a certain relationship model. Your task is to break it. It is often difficult to do this, but only in this way there is a hope of breathing fresh air into the relationship.

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