Debt by payment is red: how to be friends with those to whom we owe


Perhaps you have friends like that. When they once again start talking about the service they have rendered us, we get irritated and angry. But we cannot refuse, because we owe it. But then, for some reason, we don’t want to answer their calls and messages.

We begin first secretly and then openly to hate our benefactors. We have to get out, come up with tricks so as not to go to the cinema with them for a boring movie or not listen to sobbing for hours, and in the end it gets boring. Does a friend’s service cost us so much?

Default contract

“When we think that a friend is helping us just like that, and then it turns out that he is waiting for a reciprocal service, we feel awkward and resentful. But a sense of duty does not allow us to refuse, – says the German psychotherapist Otto Schwarz. – At first we think that our heartfelt thanks will be enough. But the other side has its own ideas about a friendly deal. And we do not pay with money – it would be easier and more honest. “

A similar situation was with 22-year-old Mark. He asked a classmate to help with moving and choosing furniture. She agreed. But then she demanded to go with her to a party in payment of the debt. Then a friend decided to go even further and invited to spend the night together. Mark refused. The next day, the entire course knew what an ungrateful brute he was.

Can we immediately determine for ourselves who should not be asked for help?

Most likely yes. Imagine a situation: you need help. You are reaching out to several buddies. Some refuse, citing sudden and urgent matters. Others will first put on a drama: they will tell you what wonderful prospects they had for the weekend, but because of you everything had to be canceled. And then they will agree.

But here you just need to listen to your intuition. It is better not to get involved with such people, if you do not want to be in an unpaid debt to them.

Debt by payment is red: how to be friends with those to whom we owe

Today beer from me – tomorrow from you

“Real friends are always happy to help just like that,” 26-year-old Alexander is convinced. – And moving is not such a difficult task. Several boxes and a couple of watches. And now you are drinking beer together in a new house, and everyone is happy. I am so exactly. After all, if I was asked for help, it means that they consider me a real friend, and I am very pleased. “

But the “terrorist” friend thinks differently. He will definitely get blisters on his hands from dragging our bags. He will dislocate his shoulder or twist his leg. And it will remind us of this at every opportunity: “Do you remember when I helped you with the move and hurt your knee?”

The knee, shoulder, arm have not hurt for a long time (if they hurt at all), but the debt remains. And why did we just turn to him!

“It’s best to negotiate with such people on the shore,” the psychologist recommends. – Immediately dot the i. The favorite phrase “Come on, do not worry, then we will be counted” can turn into trouble. Immediately announce what you are ready to do in response to the service. “You help me move – I’ll pizza with beer or wine after we do everything.”

Under no circumstances should such friends be allowed to exploit themselves financially or emotionally. If we have discussed the conditions, but we are still reminded of the service again, we have the right to say “Stop”.

“I got tired of this, and I said directly:“ You helped me, thank you very much. But I don’t want to listen to how hard it was because of me. That’s enough, ”30-year-old Artur shares his experience.

Next time, think hard about who to go to for help.

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