Couldn’t save the marriage, but I don’t regret trying for so long

KNOW YOURSELF


I didn’t want a divorce and I did everything to save my family. Many met my position with bewilderment. After all, looking from the outside, it is so easy to quit: “Why are you living with a man who no longer wants to be with you?”

I am convinced that our family was worth not giving up. I failed to save it, but going back in time I would have done the same. And there are reasons for that.

Feelings of children

I tried to protect the children from the trauma that divorce would inevitably inflict on them, tried to maintain their daily communication with their father. I didn’t want to show by my own example that I had to grab onto the easiest option and give up the fight.

Love for husband

I loved him, and it seemed to me – he loves me. We overcame problems, we had conflicts, but I believed: my husband is a friend who is always on my side. And although he could upset me, deep down I felt that we would cope with any difficulties. For a long time I was sure that he was going through an internal crisis and I, as a loving person, should help him.

Lifestyle

I treasured our traditions: relationships with common relatives and friends, invitations to visit, joint feasts. All this brought me joy. I understood perfectly well that, after parting, we would forever lose an important part of our life. And she was right: as soon as we divorced, most of our relatives stopped communicating.

Shared plans

Everything we dreamed of and aspired to as a couple was destroyed by divorce. The house that we were building, the countries we were going to, the common family business that we wanted to open. We will not be able to work together with our grandchildren, whom our children will give us one day. Many dreams now seem naive, but I believed in them. It still hurts me that they will never come true.

New family

Even dry statistics show that first marriages are less likely to end in divorce than second ones. If we destroy the family, the hope that we will be happy in the new relationship is low. After the divorce, I decided not to get married again. My ex-husband married again a few years later and only confirmed the statistics – their union broke up.

Too often people, faced with difficulties in family life, immediately file for divorce. I believe that you can never give up without a fight. And although our relationship has ended forever, I still believe: if there is no domestic violence in the family, it is worth making efforts to save it.

“It is very difficult to live through the emotions that breakup causes. It’s easier to turn them into a fight. ”

Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist

The heroine refers to the statistics of divorce, and emotionally this is very significant – she ignores happy examples. There is disappointment and pain in this.

Does she manage to meet her feelings face to face? It seems that this is not so, in her story there is a lot of fixation on the past – how good it was there. And it is not at all clear whether there is anything good in the new circumstances.

In therapy, it is important to make room for both what is lost forever with divorce and what remains after the loss. Only by realizing how much good we have learned from old relationships can we build new ones. Sometimes a good parting is not the end, but the beginning of a certain stage in communication with your ex-spouse. Both can become happy separately.

For children, this experience is not always traumatic. It’s frustration, yes, but not a tragedy if adults are able to disperse, maintaining respect for each other. Children will not necessarily inherit the experience of divorce, but they will remember their mother’s pain very well.

Not to run away from difficulties, to fight for the family – such a position commands respect, but the motives of the heroine are not entirely clear. Probably saving the family by any means, she tried to show the children that they are dear to her.

And now the heroine needs to admit her feelings: regret and powerlessness to change anything, anger and sadness. It is very difficult to live through the emotions that breakup causes. It’s easier to turn them into a fight. And to finally acknowledge and let go of the past, you may need professional help and support from loved ones.

Daria Petrovskaya

About the expert

Daria Petrovskaya – Gestalt therapist. More on her page

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