Caring macho: is it possible?

KNOW YOURSELF


Men willingly take maternity leave. They selflessly tinker with children and pay a lot of money to master culinary wisdom. They take care of their appearance and wardrobe almost on a par with their girlfriends. They are not ashamed of tears. And this, it seems, no longer surprises anyone.

On the one hand, this is the demand of women – and of society as a whole. Psychologists, for example, have long urged men not to hide their emotions, to be gentle and caring. On the other hand, there seems to be no need for traditional male prowess. Wives are able to earn as much as their husbands, and the need to defend their home or risk their lives to get food seems to have almost disappeared.

It is easy to argue that the described picture is lost in the fog about 50 kilometers from the Moscow ring road, as well as from the borders of any large city in principle. Perhaps, but ultimately it is the big cities with their universities, research centers and innovative companies that set the vector of human development.

In what direction does masculinity develop? The one that benefits women is the first and most obvious answer.

Losses in the battle for equality

In Western countries, the current “crisis of masculinity” is usually attributed to the success of the struggle for equality. Rather, the costs of this struggle.

“A man (with a small letter and with a penis of one length or another) is a bastard: it is he who kidnaps, rapes, robots, kills, refuses to wash his panties and would rather die than vote for a world in which his maid can become the CEO. This is what the official version of modern history looks like, the history of male dominance, ”writes philosopher and journalist Peggy Sastre in Male Domination Does Not Exist.

And she herself exposes the unfairness of such an assessment. If power belongs to men, it is only because women have wanted this for centuries, “falling into ecstasy at the slightest manifestation of strength, power and cruelty.”

It’s so reassuring to see evidence that men can protect women and offspring! What is the point of blaming the stronger sex now just for what he liked before?

We can be equal in rights, but we must remain different enough to retain and sustain attraction

“The problem is that the battle for equality is accompanied by accusations of everything that is male, and this negatively affects the relationship in a couple,” says sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc. – Men no longer know what is expected of them: to hold the door or not? Pay the bill? Look after?

They are afraid that everything that consisted of male seduction, assertive and conquering, will be perceived as a desire for dominance. And women, with their inherent ambivalence, do not help much: they restrain masculinity with maternal care, but at the same time they still secretly dream to be possessed. “

Result? Catherine Blanc notes that the number of her male clients with complaints of lack of erection and premature ejaculation is growing at an alarming rate.

A Russian woman, unwittingly, feels herself to be the head of the family, and not her man at all.

The transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky also doubts the possibility of an ideal harmony of masculinity and femininity.

“Jung has the concept of Anima, this is the female“ part ”of the unconscious inherent in a man,” he recalls. – Accordingly, Animus is the masculine principle in a woman, an archetype associated with the male sex. And it would seem good when the Animus meets the Anima, when they “divide” the unconscious of men and women exactly in half. But such an understanding would be too much of an oversimplification. “

Indeed, in the final analysis, it is the essential difference between women and men that ensures the very existence of the human race. There seems to be a flaw in the very idea of ​​complete gender equality.

“We can be equal in rights, but we must remain different enough to retain and sustain attraction,” says Catherine Blanc. “To do this, you need to enjoy your strengths and love your partner’s strengths.”

Genetic trance

The situation in our country is special. The equality of women and men was achieved in the USSR much earlier than in Europe and the USA. Our problem is different, says the priest and psychologist Andrei Lorgus.

“Throughout the twentieth century, the man was constantly at gunpoint. For four or five generations in a row, women simply could not rely on men, he says. – The man who must ensure the safety of the family has become a source of danger.

Because if a woman connects her fate with a man, then he will either be killed in the war, or he will become a victim of genocide, or go to prison, or become an alcoholic. In general, you cannot trust a man, and, therefore, you need to take everything into your own hands. This is not feminism or a struggle for equality.

Many women in consultations ask: “Tell me, is it possible to raise a real man from a husband? How can I get him to take responsibility? ” They need a real man, but at the same time they want to educate him, they feel that they must give him the highest sanction for responsibility. “

Men have taken over many of the female functions. But this is more due to male immaturity.

In psychology, this is called genetic trance – the transfer of the influence of life circumstances through generations. It is for this reason that a Russian woman, unwittingly, feels herself to be the head of the family, and not her man at all.

As for men, according to Andrei Lorgus, their “new masculinity” is rather forced. In part, it adapts to the situation described above. And partly due to … love.

“Men have taken on many of the female functions,” he explains. – But this is more likely due to male immaturity, extreme affection for the mother. Partly infantile, partly exaggerated love for femininity, but in her maternal guise.

I would not say that a man seeks to realize himself as an assistant to his wife. He does this because he loves her and wants to help her. This is not his self-realization, it is, as a rule, the realization of his neurosis. “

Caring macho: is it possible?

Big and small “M”

Supporters of feminism may be skeptical about the words of Andrei Lorgus. But it should be borne in mind that he stands on the positions of Christian anthropology. And the question of the true purpose of men and women for him has been resolved quite unambiguously.

“Nature inevitably takes its toll. A man still cannot give birth, no matter how society changes, he emphasizes. – And the woman is still in the role of the mother. And as soon as she is in it, everything falls into place.

The woman must take care of the child, and her motivation for her own life becomes clear and definite. She needs to keep the child’s health, provide him and herself with all the necessary conditions.

And naturally, she needs a man next to her who would love her. That would ensure her safety and survival – so that she would provide all this to the child. This moment clearly delineates the anthropological boundaries of masculinity and femininity. And the “functional” is distributed as it was prepared by the Creator. “

Wives want to deal with those husbands who are able to hear them, take care of them, show attention

Moreover, if a woman, having given birth to a child, gains self-realization almost “automatically”, it is much more difficult for a man.

“It’s impossible to sit on two chairs. And if a man takes on more female functions, then he cannot perform purely male functions. He does not have time, energy, motivation, mental resources left for this.

Remaining a man by nature, he cannot realize his masculinity, – warns Andrei Lorgus. – He cannot be a protector, he cannot ensure the safety of his family. And most importantly, he cannot realize himself as a spiritual leader, leader, bearer of values. He loses the meaning of life. “

However, whether the self-realization of a man as a leader contributes to his happiness is also a big question, not directly related to the modern “crisis of masculinity.”

“Psychiatrists of the old school liked to say that there are men with a capital“ M ”- so to speak, real men: strong, courageous, correct, firm, – notes Andrey Lorgus. – And there is with a small letter “m”: gentle, flexible, emotional …

So, the girls certainly want to marry the big M, and then they strive to escape from her to the little one. Wives want to deal with those husbands who are able to hear them, take care of them, show attention. “

A new balance of masculine and feminine

In a word, the problem is not so new and unambiguous. Who said that a gentle and caring man is certainly weak, and an inflexible firm is so strong?

“For example, a man is crying. What is this weakness? It is not necessary at all, – Vadim Petrovsky reflects. – It takes a lot of courage not to hide your feelings and not be ashamed of such manifestations.

Or, on the contrary, a stone face, a firm voice, stingy gestures – “a real man.” But why not assume that this is just a defense, a desperate attempt to hide your weakness and sensitivity, a panic fear of showing true feelings? “

It often happens that a woman cannot accept masculinity for fear of her own femininity.

Andrei Lorgus has the image of a “real man” – which has been diligently cultivated recently in contrast to the capital’s hipsters and intellectuals – does not evoke sympathy.

“This is a type inherent in Soviet and Russian reality. Brutal, capable of fixing a car with his own hands, screwing a crane, nailing a nail. But he is ready to steal and slander, because he is a type of survivalist. He needs to survive in the harsh reality, and he survives at any cost. This is a man with no values. For me this is tantamount to impotence. A man who does not defend his point of view, who does not have a moral, political, religious position – in my opinion, this is not a man. “

What does the future hold for men? Obviously, they will never learn to give birth. Otherwise, a new balance of masculinity and femininity will eventually be found. Perhaps different for each pair. Or one that will become a reference point for everyone.

Andrei Lorgus, for example, believes that 2-3 generations without wars and social cataclysms will help Russia return to the traditional model of masculinity at a more modern level. Until then?

“It often happens that a woman cannot accept masculinity for fear of her own femininity. And instead of gaining her own feminine strength, she spends energy to stifle the strength of her partner, states Catherine Blanc. – Why not let him be who he is? To live his own way, to cook food if he wants to, to raise children the way he likes. And to love – the way he knows how! “

Interesting to know

  • Modern Russian men are busy with children, cooking, looking after themselves. Why did they become like this? There is only one reason – women want to see them that way.
  • Genetic trance is a characteristic phenomenon in Russia. For historical reasons, Russian women have taken on male responsibilities. At the same time, they want to see strong men next to them.
  • Russian paradox – everyone wants to marry strong men. But then they strive to escape to the gentle and emotional. Is it possible to combine two contradictions in one person?
  • Over time, a new balance of masculinity and femininity will be found. Perhaps different for each pair.

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