Can Tinder save you from divorce?

Looking back, I understand that the discord in our family began long ago, almost immediately after the birth of our son, who is now fifteen. I turned into a crazy mother, quit my job and completely dived into caring for the child, while my husband took over the family. He worked very hard, did not require my attention, and that was fine with me.

As my son grew up, I realized that I wanted to return to my old life: to spend time with my husband, to feel loved and desired. However, my husband completely took a career path and, while working on television, due to the specifics of filming, he could be there for days.

All these years he has assured me that very soon he will be able to reach the point where he can allow himself to relax. I have said many times: earn less, we have enough, just spend more time with us.

More and more often I went on vacation alone with my son. I always went to the cinema, guests, restaurants and theaters with my friends. I felt lonely and unnecessary. My husband needed a constant adrenaline rush and a search for himself. But not closeness with me.

The question arose – what next? After crying and thinking, I said that I was filing for divorce. He was totally against it. He assured me that my son and I are the most precious thing he has. We even went on vacation with the whole family. And then everything returned to normal, and I again tuned in to divorce.

I have a family, responsibilities as a mother, but I also have my own secret romantic life.

Everything changed when my friend jokingly dropped: “Why would you divorce? You can’t see him anyway. ” And gradually I began to realize that he is still my close friend, whom you can rely on. For him, a divorce would be a huge blow, and I didn’t want to feel guilty.

I really missed male attention, admiring eyes, feeling like a woman. And I came to Tinder first for fun.

When they began to write to me, to make compliments, I will not deny that I liked it. I agreed to the first meeting and was very worried. For the first time in a long time, I felt desirable, because my husband refused me this. I really liked my new friend. We met again, and yes, there was sex between us.

I decided to give a chance to other candidates and began dating several men at the same time. So I received as much admiration and attention as I didn’t have in all the years of our marriage.

I don’t want romance or love. Everything in my life is the same: my husband is my relative, my best friend. What he is not able to give me – the feeling of a holiday – is given by others. I don’t feel guilty. Everything fell into place. I have a family, responsibilities as a mother, but I also have my own secret romantic life. And one does not exclude the other.

“Internal love deficit cannot be patched up by external events”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

It happens that a woman, like the heroine, goes entirely into motherhood. This is a big problem for relationships, and if you do nothing, then often a man, in turn, not only goes headlong into work, but – let’s be realistic – makes himself a “fighting girlfriend”. Then outwardly the situation stabilizes, the husband “does not require attention,” but the relationship is already empty.

And now, after 15 years, a woman feels lonely and unnecessary. This is a test for her as a person: the child has grown up, it’s time to occupy yourself with something else.

A mature person begins to look for himself in the profession and self-realization and sees the support in himself. The infantile habitually solves the problem by the least resistance, looking for external confirmation of his need and attractiveness.

This may work temporarily, but the problem is that it does not help growing up and development. The internal deficit of self-love cannot be patched up by external events. The idea that marriage is saved here is highly questionable.

One day, youth ends, and everything that we have gained becomes especially necessary for us

The heroine calls her husband “a relative and best friend,” but the story does not say that she discussed with him her decision to diversify her personal life and he agreed. However, friends don’t lie. They lie to those with whom it is impossible to be close and frank. Mystery inevitably eats away at relationships from within.

Anxious for the heroine, who does not understand at all what kind of moral collapse she is striving for. In pursuit of the momentary, the process of her growing up has failed. It seems to her that the tragedy was avoided, but the opposite is true.

Once youth ends, and everything that we have developed – honesty in relationships, perseverance in establishing them, the strength of our personality, the experience of overcoming difficulties – all this becomes especially necessary for us.

Maturity is our only capital. And next to us is either a really close person with whom we honestly went through fire and water, or a stranger, with whom we formally coexisted for many years, but never met.

We make this choice in every family crisis, and it is very important to make it honestly for ourselves.

Natalia Artsybasheva

About the expert

Natalia Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her website

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