Being a parent … without guilt
I am a very demanding parent
Do I suppress a child’s identity?
“Do not eat with your hands!”, “Make music quieter!”, “Get away from the computer!” – the child often hears from tired parents at work. Children do everything wrong and often get us crazy. And we are frustrated by a cry, and then we worry: we see each other so little, and now, please – he cries, shut himself or slammed the door so that the windows rang …
Let us dot the “i”. Children need our firmness. They need a clear framework, and the worst we can do for them is to instill a sense of permissiveness. Be consistent: set rules and remind them. By mastering them, the child gains independence. Indeed, to be happy does not mean to give free rein to one’s impulses. On the contrary, it means being able to control them so as not to become their slave. And also to own good manners, be punctual or follow any other code that is adopted among the people near whom we live.
Tearing down, we feel guilty and so punish ourselves. How to avoid this by staying solid? Children always want to deal with a living person. If, breaking into a cry, you are ready to explain yourself and apologize, the child will not be offended. However, you can be heard without raising your voice. Three or four repetitions – and the child will hear your demands. This technique is practiced a long time ago and is called “Hackneyed Record.”
The reaction to pranks must be proportionate to the degree of misconduct
Be sincere, criticize the behavior, and not the personality of the child, never spare the time and effort to discuss contentious issues. Sometimes it’s better to return to the conversation later, when the passions subside. But be sure to listen to the child so that he does not feel strangled by your monologue.
And another thing: the reaction to pranks should be proportionate to the degree of misconduct. In some ways, you can compromise: for example, letting you go to bed later on vacation later, not brushing your teeth when you are very tired, or not learning a lesson if you have a headache. But there are things in which there is no room for compromise. Even if you have a headache, you need to return someone else’s thing taken without permission, apologize for accidentally inflicting insult on someone …
The strength of our reaction to misconduct determines the child’s value system. If we react equally violently to everything, he will not be able to understand what is worse in his behavior: to walk barefoot on the cold floor or to be rude to neighbors …
I work too much
Does he feel abandoned?
A typical fallacy of many mothers is the belief that it is worth staying with a child for a long enough time, and he will cease to feel abandoned. In fact, just being around is not enough. The quality of communication is more important than the number of hours spent together.
Take a look at the behavior of the child. If he feels abandoned, he will certainly show it. Some children in such cases become aggressive and tearful. Others are haunted by terrible dreams. Some attract our attention, doing deliberate stupid things. Of course, in such moments it’s good to be together longer, reducing the amount of work or taking a vacation. But it’s much more important to give your child more attention when you are near.
Instead of sitting in front of the TV while you cook, chat with him in the kitchen. Especially important are family rituals and the rhythm of communication. Let the child know that at least once a week he will get you at his disposal (on Saturday evening, Sunday morning …). And this is your time with him, on which no one can encroach. Try more often to be in close proximity to him, at a touch distance: feed him yourself, bathe (very small), caress … Body contact with parents helps to gain a sense of security.
I have no money for what he asks
Will he suffer because of this?
It is not a matter of money at all, but of the constant desire of adolescents to be like everyone else. Solving the problems of your self-worth by buying prestigious things is a great temptation. But for the education of the individual, it is not always important to have what other children have. Some share of feelings on this subject is even useful, but on one condition: the child must understand that behind their unwillingness (whether they are wealthy or not) to give in to his requests is their firm position.
Learning to be content with what you have is not easy, but otherwise a person runs the risk of always feeling unsatisfied, begins to measure his own value by the value and prestige of his entourage.
Switch his attention from external attributes to internal: to what he knows how to do well, which he can be proud of. Talk with him about this, explain your position – of course, if you hold such views.
And one more thing: unfortunately, modern children often see animation on their faces only during shopping trips. They call us to shop when they want the family to feel the holiday. Therefore, arrange family holidays that are not worth a fortune, give joy, for which you do not have to pay anything. Such experiences are the best argument in favor of independence from things and money.
Will it affect his whole life?
Children do not like parting, the stability of parental relationships for them is the basis of stability in the world. At the same time, they would rather have their parents split up than continue to live in constant quarrels. Divorce has clarity, giving a sense of certainty.
There is no painless divorce. It is important that it be more successful than your decaying marriage. “He is a bad husband for me, but a good father for you” – this is the basis of the conversation with an older child. For the little one, the words in the style of a children’s song are understandable: “Dad and mom do not live together, but love you very much!”
Define guidelines that will help the child adapt to a new life: where he will now live, what school to study in, how often he will be able to see his father or mother. It is naive to believe that divorce will not cause the child suffering. But if you want him to be happy in his personal life in the future, do not hide your true feelings. He will cope with heartaches if you both respect him for his sake.
The technique of the hackneyed plate
This psychological technique allows you to increase the likelihood that you will be heard in communication with the child. Having moderated your irritation and anger, act calmly and consistently.
Tell us briefly about your problem. For example: “Yesterday I was very worried when you did not return home on time.”
Always express the main point clearly and positively. It makes no sense to say, “Never do this again.”
Listen to the explanation, adding, like a hackneyed record, your main words. For example: “You are absolutely right. Yes, I realized that you were with friends, but please call if you decide to stay longer. ”
Always state the main message without the “not” particle, explain what needs to be done and how. Agree, “Stop being late!” Is less convincing than “Please call if you decide to delay.” Take a chance: you will see the puzzled, serious look of your child. And you will feel that you are heard!