“It happened in July: after two years that I spent constantly returning thoughts to my unsuccessful last novel, suddenly an unforgettable weekend: sex, affection, mutual delight,” recalls 38-year-old Inessa. – A real holiday, two days off. I forgot how great it is!
Andrei and I met on a forum on the Internet, he divorced and was, like me, unhappy. “We could mourn our past together, but at the first meeting in real life we were physically drawn to each other, and there was no time for questions.”
It seems they were lucky: the majority have questions – at the moment when we refuse sexual abstinence, regardless of its duration. Along with the return of physical attraction, a variety of fears arise.
Fear of insolvency
The prospect of a renewed sexual life is associated not only with desire, but also with fear.
“We hardly forget the disappointments and grievances, especially the sexual ones, which we got in past relationships, and, of course, we are afraid that they would not happen again,” explains Laura Dalgatova, a systemic family therapist. “In addition to this, the period of abstinence makes us more susceptible to the myths that society broadcasts about how we should be in bed and how we should behave there.”
Concerns about his love role used to concern primarily men, but now it captures women as well.
“Women’s fear of insolvency in bed is exacerbated by a body cult that they are so worried about,” says Gestalt and sex therapist Brigitte Martel. “It’s hard to go on an appointment with another and have intimate relationships with him when you think that only young, slender and elastic bodies can cause physical attraction.”
How to exam
Meeting with others is often perceived as a narcissistic test, a kind of translation exam that must be successfully passed – and as quickly as possible. We proceed from an unconscious prejudice that it is not worth wasting valuable time on a preliminary acquaintance with each other if the continuation is not guaranteed.
But this is precisely what makes our ties unstable and fragile. “Modern lovers often have a chronometer in their heads,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. – Everything happens as if at a casting: you need to be able to emphasize your merits, a date should be quick, you should make the best impression.
This is very worrying, since each participant knows that he plays a role assigned in advance, and it is difficult for him to establish close relationships that require trust – one of the prerequisites for a smooth transition to sex. ”
Do not burden the first contact with too great meanings, Laura Dalgatova believes: “This is not an apotheosis and not an indicator of the prospect of relations, but a continuation of acquaintance and mutual recognition, rather a research project than a festive banquet. Moreover, mutual affection does not have to end with sexual intercourse. ”
You may say that you are a little worried, but do not go into details. Otherwise, there is a chance to get carried away with introspection
Therefore, do not pre-compose scenarios of how everything should go. Although sometimes it is difficult for us to get rid of the shadows of the past, however, sex with a new partner allows us to shed light on these very shadows.
39-year-old Anton for seven years lived with a woman whom he describes as very demanding and judicious.
“I constantly felt like a schoolboy who is afraid to make a mistake. Eight months after our breakup, I met the exact opposite of my ex – a soft and sensual woman.
She noticed that I was preoccupied with an erection and how much I had enough … And then, pointing to my penis, she said: “He copes with everything without your help, like an adult.” For the first time in a long time, I made love with pleasure! ”
Say or keep silent
“Will everything work out in my bed?”, “Will he notice that I haven’t had sex for ages?”, “Will I like his body, and he will like mine?” …
These and similar questions torment those who have not had sex for a long time, on the eve of the resumption of sexual life. Should these concerns be told to the new partner? Systemic family therapist Laura Dalgatova believes that, if we talk about her excitement and fears, perhaps this will help reduce them. The only condition is not to behave like a child who is waiting for an adult to reassure him.
This is not about regret or recognition of insolvency. “You can say that you are a little worried, but do not go into details. Otherwise, there is a chance to get carried away with introspection, and then it will be mental self-disclosure instead of physical, ”she says. – A continuation of the phrase may be the words “… but I believe that together we can handle everything.”
You can also answer to the recognition of a partner in fears. And then proceed to what you were together for! ”
New sensual geography
Too often, so as not to leave the borders of a well-known territory and create the impression that everything is under control, every time we change partners, we again perform the same love score.
“To have a new partner after abstinence means to give yourself the opportunity to open up a world of new sensual geography and update erotic experiences,” says sexologist Mireille Bonerbal. “But only subject to your psychological readiness for such discoveries.”
Sex with a stranger can liberate us, and with a loved one – especially for the first time – disappoint
41-year-old Larisa vowed to wait for “true love”, but resumed her sex life almost by accident: “It happened one evening with a colleague who I didn’t really like … After the corporate party, he took me home – that’s how it happened ! It was a real flash of passion, I just can not find other words! I did not recognize myself.
I was always very anxious, nervous, but this time I seemed to be replaced, I without obedience obeyed his desire. I’ve never been so good! I think the reason is that I did not have any special feelings for my colleague. It was sex for the sake of sex – both for him and for me, and this allowed him to go as far as I had never allowed myself before. ”
The spirit of adventurism facilitates sexual exploration. “Our sensitivity and sensibility are revealed more fully when we are free, passionate about the process and not concerned about the result,” Laura Dalgatova emphasizes. However, the higher the importance of relations for us, the more difficult it is to treat them easily. For this reason, sex with a stranger can liberate us, and with a loved one, especially for the first time, it can disappoint us.
Body in pleasure mode
A good attitude to your body is one of the conditions for revealing sensuality and reprogramming after unsuccessful novels. “When you resume sex life, trust plays a major role,” Mireille Bonerbal emphasizes. – It is impossible to feel pleasure or enter into close relationships with another if you yourself are in a defensive position.
The main question that you ask yourself first is: “What is my relationship with my own body?” The more you take care of him, listen to him and treat him in a friendly manner, the more he becomes “smarter” and the more confident we feel. ”
In love, the body is a means to establish a tender and passionate relationship with a partner. Therefore, sexologists recommend devoting the days and hours preceding a date to the emotional and physical preparation of the body. In the morning, waking up, you can allow yourself to lie in bed, conjuring up erotic scenes, stroking your skin, feeling your own touch.
Body care with aromatic oils and creams also strengthens self-confidence. This is convinced of 42-year-old Eugene, who had not had sex for two years: “I do rock climbing, dance, swim. I have something to love my body for – for the freedom and pleasure that it gives me. When I meet someone again, he will be ready. ”
Breathing enhances desire
“Abdominal (diaphragmatic) breathing allows you to relieve tension and prepare the body for sexual intercourse,” says Martine Potantier, massage therapist, kinesiotherapist and sexologist. “By providing deep relaxation of the pelvic organs, abdominal breathing promotes an erection in men and makes women more susceptible to caresses.”
1. First, stretch and yawn, then lie on your back, slightly bending your knees and placing the soles of your feet on the floor.
2. Place your hands on your lower abdomen and feel your breath under your palms.
3. Before each new breath, try to ensure that each exhalation is fully completed. Feel how the air comes and goes down to the pelvis. You should have a pleasant feeling of relaxation, gradually covering the whole body. Martina Potantier also advises women to massage their mammary glands, “to help your heart open.” “In women, the heart and mammary glands form a single whole. Such sensual, but not erotic massage allows you to discover this part of the body, associated with emotions and sexual desire, ”she adds.